Archive for the ‘Boyfriends’ Category

The Biggest Wednesday One-Liner

Girl to friend: Is there a way to block fat people on OkCupid?

–Bedford Ave & 8th

Girlfriend to boyfriend: Remember the other day when you told me I had a fat ass and I didn't curse you out? So now you gonna buy me something.

–Pizzeria, 77th St & 1st Ave

Overheard by: Eric

Older woman waiting for a seat: Oh good, the fat one got up. Shit, an even fatter sits down.

–JFK Airport

Overheard by: Henry Pena

Posh-looking Asian chick: But he consumed over 6,000 calories a day, so he deserved whatever he had coming.

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Ladle

White hip-hopper on cell: Yeah, she's so big I thought there was two of her. Then I realized she was a dude!

–Broome & Forsyth

Overheard by: Terry

Chinese Fighting Shoe

Girl: What happened?
Guy: Man, that girl brushed up on me, so I turned around, and the bitch said, “Don’t fucking look at me!” and she slapped me!
Girl: Really?!
Guy: And then my girl just starting beating on her!
Girlfriend: Haha yeah! Did you see all that blood?
Guy: Girl must have been coked out for it to come spilling out like that.
Girl: It was crazy! We didn’t know what was going on!
Girlfriend: Its like that time at the club when I took off my shoe!

–Kellogg Diner, Brooklyn

“I'm Having a Wednesday One-Liner– And It's Yours!”

Man in floor-length green dress to passersby: How do you know if you're having a baby? It's by the way you lift your legs!

–8th & 34th

Guy to girlfriend: Just make sure you tell me if you're on antibiotics. I already got like three babies that way.

–Battery Park

Overheard by: It's how I got mine

Large black man: She was poppin' those babies out like an Easy-Bake Oven!

–Coney Island Broadwalk

Hobo woman yelling at random pregnant woman: I told you be careful with that belly! That baby's gonna die! It gonna die!

–Broadway & Liberty

Overheard by: CG

Man talking animatedly on cell: Yeah! Don't be surprised if the baby comes out with a hairy red ass!

–Spring Street, SoHo

Middle aged woman: Your baby wouldn't stop crying, so I put my tit in his mouth.

–W 12th & W 4th

Overheard by: michael diamond

Dude, Would You Please Cowboy Up?

Desperate law student: But I love you!
Heartless biotech: That’s your problem, not mine.
Desperate law student: I can’t live without you.
Heartless biotech: So don’t.
Desperate law student: You wouldn’t even care if I killed myself, would you?
Heartless biotech: Not unless you decided to do it in front of my house and I had to have police and the media there. Then I’d be pissed.
Desperate law student: How can you be so cruel to someone who loves you so much?
Heartless biotech: Oh, just one thing — if you do decide to kill yourself try to do it the week of August sixth, ’cause I’ll be in Martha’s Vineyard with Jason then.

–Brooklyn Law School library

Overheard by: Big Larry – cringing with empathy

The CDC Has Issued a Travel Advisory

Boyfriend, looking at girlfriend's iPhone: Who is this guy Nick that you're talking to?
Ditzy girlfriend: Whatever…you don't have to worry about him. He's from New Jersey, so I would never touch him.
Boyfriend: What's that have to do with anything?
Ditzy girlfriend: Hello! Everyone knows that everyone in New Jersey has STDs!

–7 Train

Headline by: kate

Runners-Up:
· “Experience=Wisdom” – Fresca

· “I Only Cheat on You Within the Five Boroughs” – The Cleveland Kid
· “It’s Why They Have 50 Different Words for Painful Urination” – Brother Elmer
· “Nick
: I Told Her That’s Not What “Suburbia” Is…” – Porter

· “Why Lincoln & Holland Toll Takers Wear Gloves” – Leary Blaine


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