Archive for the ‘Breaking Up’ Category

Nobody Knows the Trouble Wednesday One-Liners Seen

Hobo to white guy walking with three black friends: What's up, slave owner? –The Village Girl on phone: We should practice selling ourselves to each other. –Subway Sandwiches, 38th & 7th Crazy man on train: America! America! Anybody wanna buy some white people? –A Train Ditzy girl to friend: So I had this black boyfriend one time, and we had to break up because he kept talking about slavery. I was all, hello, I'm Czech, my people were slaves too. –Columbia University School of Social Work Overheard by: Eric Black toddler to mortified white nanny: Wanna play slave? –Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn

Isn't That What Divorce Court Is?

Blazed girl #1: So what I'm saying is: 50% of American marriages end in divorce and the other 50% end in death.
Blazed girl #2: There's no other way for them to end?
Blazed girl #3: Oh, I forgot: 1% of American marriages end in sending your husband to the moon.
Blazed girl #2: No seriously, there must be some other way.
Blazed girl #3: Oh, yes: 2% of American marriages end in feeding your husband to a whale. He's still alive, but he's inside a whale, so you're not married.
Blazed girl #2: But what about if you go to a foreign country and you're still married to your husband but you, like, marry all the other guys you want?
Blazed girl #4: Well, you're still married. Also, there's no country where that's legal. So, no.
Blazed girl #3: Oh, I forgot: 1.5% of American marriages end in putting your husband in a glass box, like in a cage. And watching him do tricks. –86 Bus Overheard by: I like Blazed Girl #3

Here’s Where the Story Ends, Wednesday One-liners

Hipster on cell: Best case scenario is: I talk, and you say
nothing. We have nothing to talk about. –65th & 2nd Overheard by: Gregorio and Robyn Queer: Instead of cheating, I define it as an indiscretion. –Posh, W. 51st Street Overheard by: Nick Salvato Dude on cell: …yeah..you are breaking up…wha? no…I meant your voice is breaking up…nope…wha? no…I don’t want to break up with you…hello…hello… –West 4th & Macdougal Dude on cell: So how’s the single life?…Well, that’s good, because if you were pregnant, I’d stick my fist in your twat and pull that thing outta there…I said, I’d stick my fist in your twat. Yeah, I would…Because I’m not really ready to be a dad right now, you know? –LIRR Overheard by: maura johnston

Blame the Dawson’s Creek Song

Suit: My friends told me that you told them that I’d hijacked you. We’ve only dated for a week. For so many reasons it’s not going to work out.
Girl: I don’t understand how someone can just say it’s not going to work out. You know everything about me: my family, my life, all about me. I shared everything this week. I would have held back if I’d known.
Suit: …It’s like I have sticker shock…You are just a much more fun, engaged person than me.
Girl: I don’t understand someone who can just say it’s not going to work out. How can you just say it’s not going to work out?
Suit: Can’t we be friends? That’s why I asked you to meet me here.
Girl: Well, at least we slept together this week. I never wait. I’m so glad we didn’t wait. –Esashi, Avenue A

The Writers Switched From Funny to Educational

Tween girl #1: I’m gonna call that number 1-800-DIVORCE. I want to divorce my parents.
Tween boy: You can’t divorce your parents, stupid. Can you marry your parents? No!
Tween girl #1: Technically, technically you can but that’s just sick.
Tween girl #2: You’re not really divorcing your parents. It’s more like they giving up they rights.
Tween girl #1: Look, I call it divorcing your parents because that’s what they called it on The Simpsons so that’s why I say it. –Q train

Omg, Like W.O.L.s, Lolcatz!

Girl to another, loudly: Oh my god! Where the fuck were you this morning? I was about to text you, but I realized you couldn't text. And I couldn't text either! And you wouldn't pick up your phone! And I needed to talk to you! But I couldn't reach you! So I just like fucking sat there and screamed for ten minutes! –B9 Bus 20-something male to friend: I am so MIA right now. I am MIA. Like, I text you, but I am MIA. Like, so many people send texts to me, and I'm just MIA. –Downtown 6 Train Overheard by: dallas Girl leaving movie: Well, I'm sure she'll send out a mass text the second she has her baby. –AMC Theater 19th & Broadway Overheard by: Julie 20-something to another: Tiffany, I know I left Jason at the altar…but why didn't he text me back? –1849 Bar, MacDougal & Bleecker Laughing hobo to another: That is the funniest joke I've ever heard! You have to text that to me! –St. Mark's Church, 2nd Ave & 9th St Overheard by: cody