Suit to another: He was just lucky not to be fucking someone in his family!
–Trump Building
Overheard by: Guess I'm lucky too
Gamer on headset: Dude, you are not listening to me. You can't hear me. You know why? Because you have no ears. You're the product of two retarded cousins fucking each other.
–Queens
Girl: He looks like my uncle… the one I'm really attracted to.
–Governors Island ferry
Overheard by: boring
Male passerby: I wouldn't fuck my family, but…
–4th Ave & 11th St
Overheard by: Jessica
British professor wearing bow tie: It's fascinating just how exciting incest is!
–Silver Center, NYU
Archive for the ‘Brits’ Category
Blow It Out Your Wednesday One-Liner
Well-dressed British man on cell, as he walks oddly: Listen girl, I farted so hard yesterday I blasted half my ass off. (pause) No, seriously! I am still walking funny!
–24th St b/w 6th & 7th
Overheard by: Joseph
Teenage boy to another: One time this hot bitch farted on my lap, and I didn't know what to do.
–12th St & University Place
Crazy hobo sitting on blanket: I used to wear underwear, but then I farted and left a stain, so decided no more. Can anyone spare any change?
–87th & Broadway
Overheard by: Nynanny
Girl from Louisiana: What can I say? I'm a Southern girl. I fart crawfish.
–McLean Ave, Yonkers
Woman on phone: Well, the romance is out of my life: this morning Greg came in my mouth, then straight away leaned back and farted.
–Beard St & Van Brunt St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: craig hunter
Only Wednesday One-Liners Bother to Look Up
British tourist, passing by The Pink Tea Cup Southern restaurant: Oh, look–an urban menu!
–Bleecker & Grove
Young Asian tourist girl: You mean, there's not actually any fields?
–Strawberry Fields
Overheard by: Jason K.
Tourist, in thick Southern accent: I just don't understand how they turn the trains around so fast, and we don't see them do it!
–Grand Central Station, Shuttle Train
Overheard by: Sara
Tourist hick teen to others: Everybody's wearin' shoes!
–33rd St & 6th Ave
Elderly tourist being escorted to her seat: Oh! I hope we get a booth!
–Olive Garden
Overheard by: EthanK
Tourist to friend: No, we cannot go into a store. I cannot leave Broadway. How else would you expect me to get discovered?
–Time Square
If the U.S. Census Were Administered This Way, We Might Actually Complete It
Crazy man on subway: Now that its almost the weekend, it is once again time for me to share my knowledge. Now, how many people here have seen the Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones feature film Men in Black?
75-year-old British man: Oh, this will be wonderful. Very scientific.
–E Train
Next to the Great Pyramid
British teen: My god, Americans are so stupid. And they're everywhere.
British mom: Oh, darling… I know, bloody morons. So stupid.
(a block later)
British teen: Mum, where's the Empire State Building?
British mom: Oh honey, that's in Chicago.
–7th and 48th
Collect Them All! Trade with Your Friends!
British girl: So you have gonorrhea. It's not like syphilis or anything.
Lonely 30-something: I have all of the American STDs. I need something more exotic.
–Harlem Line Metro North
Frankly, I Don't Give a Dam.
Girl drafting floor plan: I've decided I'm going to open a funeral parlor that's sleek, modern and sophisticated. Someplace that doesn't look like your grandma just died there.
Female British classmate: That's awesome. My big idea is to start a protection service for lesbians.
Girl drafting floor plan: Like, security?
Female British classmate: No. Like, safe sex?
–Interior Design Class, FIT
And He Loved My Hugh-Grant-With-Parkinson's Impression
Bartender to drunken gay Brit: I'm sorry, sir, I can't serve you anymore. You've been chasing guys around the bar.
Drunken gay Brit: What? No, I haven't! It was just the one!
–Bar, Chelsea
Overheard by: No one's chasing ME.
Then Who'll Be the Catcher?
British guy: But whenever I give a pitch I cry like a little girl!
Girl: That's why you have to practice with someone who is better than you at pitching!
–New York Film Academy, Union Square
Come Talk to Me When You Master Cooking and Central Heating
Old British gentleman: The next train is when?
MTA employee in booth: 11:45.
Old British gentleman: This entire nation is incompetent!
–Grand Central Terminal