Archive for the ‘Bus’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Bypass the Language Center Of the Brain

Cosmetology teacher: We do not do sterilization in this class. That is what they do in a medical lavatory.

–Cosmetology Class, Astoria

Overheard by: Kelsey

Fat black teen shoving past white couple: I like how they ain't know how a say "excuse me."

–Wilson ave, Bushwick

Xerox repairman on cell: Yo, you sound like John Lecoozigamo! He's a comedian. Le-cooz-I-ga-mo.

–132nd St & Cypress

Overheard by: office drone

Middle-aged mother with thick Staten Island accent on cell: Ronny, where are you?! We are standing outside and we are freezing the children!

–New York City Transit Museum, Brooklyn

Indignant thug to thugette: I told her we wasn't together. How did she know I'm with you? Did you tell her differentwise?

–Q20 Bus

Overheard by: Liza

Wednesday One-Liners with a Reservoir Tip

Girl on cell: I don't need anything else. I've got 20 dollars, my phone, and a condom.

–11th & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Alex

Flamboyant boy on cell: Wait, where are you? What are you doing? Please tell me you'll wear a condom. (pause, then boy's face grows increasingly horrified) Several condoms.

–Dining Hall, NYU

Street vendor next to hot dog vendor: Get your Obama condoms! They go great with a pretzel!

–Times Square

Overheard by: not another tourist

15-year-old girl: Damn, nigga, I hope you flushed the condom, cuz they be using turkey basters for other shit now. They be taking the condom from the trash can and suck up the cum and put it in theyselves. I know, cuz I messed with a few niggaz who be telling me and I learn in sex ed!

–74 Bus, Staten Island

Wednesdays Brush After Every One-Liner

Big, Italian guy on cell: Braces? (pause) Why do you want braces? (pause) You don't just get them 'cause you want them!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: I hated braces

30-something woman to friend: I started getting cavities after I started making out with boys.

–Queens

Overheard by: Angela

Drunk guy: I wasn't having a heart attack, I was at the dentist!

–M60 Bus

Happy tall man on cell: Alright, nigga, brush your teef and all that, I wanna get high!

–111th & Lenox Ave

The One-Liners on the Wednesday Go Round and Round, Round and Round…

Bus driver: This bus is at capacity, so do me a favor: Move I-N, not O-U-T, and that's what she said.

–M14D Bus

Overheard by: The Average Commuter

Bus driver: Next stop is Malcolm X… No, it's not. What's his cousin's name? Oh yeah. Next stop is Frederick Douglas Boulevard.

–M60 Bus

Overheard by: polaco

Bus driver: When exiting the bus please take all of your trash with you. If you leave it on the bus you are a horrible person.

–34th St Bus

Bus driver, singing at every stop: Fifty niiiinnnth and Central Park Souuuuuthhhh. Ladies and gentlemeeeeennnn, have a wonderful daaaaayyyyyy!

–M4 Bus

Female bus driver: Everyone, squeeze in, I won't move this bus until ya'll are behind the line. Move back! Move! Squeeze! Remember to say "excuse me"! Move back! I will pull this bus over, ladies and gentlemen, move behind the line! (everyone shuffles a few inches back) It's a miracle! Thank you, Lord!

–BX12 Bus

Overheard by: Erica S

The Most Thrilling Conversation Leon Has Had in Weeks

Older gentleman: Man! Yesterday was my birthday. Guess how old I am?
Disinterested older lady: I dunno. 40s?
Older gentleman: I'm 53 but I still look like I'm in my 30s.
Disinterested older lady, deadpan: I'm a million years old.
Older gentleman: Where you headin'?
Disinterested older lady: Up to 125th Street, then I take the bus to Queens.
Older gentleman: Queens? I never been to no Queens. What's out there in Queens, man? I gotta visit one day.
Disinterested older lady: You ain't missing much.

–M15 Bus

Here's Dr. Seuss to Explain

JAP: So, they're opening this new pop-up shop in SoHo…
Asian friend: Why is it when white people open a temporary store it's called a “pop-up shop,” but when any other race does, it's called a “bazaar?”

–Q15 Bus

And Wednesday Said, “Let There Be One-Liners.”

Guy on cell: Suppose there is no god. (pause) Hello? Can you hear me? Suppose there is no god. (pause) Hello? Hello? Can you hear me?

–Bus

Overheard by: Is God trying to tell you something?

Intense man, grasping woman's shoulders: God wanted me to, and I was ready to.

–Near Riverside Church, Morningside Heights

Overheard by: I wish I knew more

Guy, in awed tones, hearing "Le nozze di Figaro" through open window: It's like the voice of God…

–The Bronx

Overheard by: ground floor music lover

Crazy man: There is only one God. There is only one real deal. I can't afford sex anymore.

–Outside Penn Station

Overheard by: That took a turn

Wednesday One-Liners' Meters Are Running

Girl to boy: You're just upset that I kicked you out without shoes, and I didn't give you cab fare.

–Black Bear Lodge, 3rd Ave

Guy, after cab splashed water on him: That cab just jizzed on me!

–Broadway & Eagerly

Waspy queer on cell: No, no, take the subway. Just for the experience. Don't take a cab. Cabs are for spoiled people.

–M23 bus

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Girl, yelling into window of off-duty taxi: Fine! We're waiting for the cash cab anyway!

–3rd & Sullivan

Overheard by: Heather

FAQsday One-Liners

NYU girl: It's a box, though… Can you FedEx a box?

–Starbucks

Overheard by: Elena

Tourist: So… Are we like, underground now?

–NRW Train

Overheard by: Stacey

Mom in toy store: Do you guys have any organic play-doh?

–7th Ave & Garfield, Park Slope

Overheard by: persiangroove

Teen tourist bimbo, looking at Rockefeller Center Christmas tree Swarovski tree topper: So, can we buy it?

–Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: Kaitlen

20-something girl: Wait, so what's a blog?

–55th & 6th

Thug on bus on cell: Yeah, I just got on the bus. How will I know when it's the third stop?
(goes on to get off on the second stop)

–Roosevelt Island