A cashier hands a girl her change. Girl: Excuse me, but can you give me another 20 dollar bill? This one looks counterfeit. The cashier takes the bill, examines it, and puts it back in the register. He gives her another bill. Girl: Thanks. I just didn’t want that one, you know? It didn’t have the stripe down it. It looked too new. It just didn’t look right. So don’t give it to me; just give it to the guy behind me or something. –Bagel Maven, 7th Avenue
Outside a Manhattan club: “Of course we’ll get in. We’re their customers. And of course those girls will get in first — they’re the product!”
Bus-driver in Vancouver: “The BC government recently did a study about fraud on the bus system, and the company they hired concluded that 3% of the riders take advantage of the system. But driving this bus every day, I see that it is really 30-40%. The newspapers say that Canadians are so good but it’s not true!”
Businessman: I’m sure glad I found that document. I was about to cry. –Midtown Office
Who: Puerto Rican teenage girl
Where: East Village
What: “I can set whatever rings I want on this phone for whoever calls me. So all my business calls are Scooby-doo.”
Suit: We’re really quite busy, actually. The lack of work hasn’t really affected the amount of work. –9th Ave. Overheard by: Brad Wilson
Broker #1: That dog is really cute.
Broker #2: Yeah, but we still need more coke. –St. Mark’s Place & 2nd Ave. Overheard by: Kate
20-something girl to much older date: So do you smoke weed?
Guy: Not so much anymore.
20-something girl: Me either… Not much… I mean, it's been a long time… But I do know this awesome guy on St. Mark's who gives me cheap pipes and has great shit. He always has something new for me.
Guy, after pause: Actually, it sounds like you smoke a lot.
20-something girl, after embarrassed pause: Well… I buy a lot of gifts.
Man needing help: I need to get my passport renewed before I leave for a trip out of the country next week.
Lady at post office: We can expedite it, and you can have your new passport in two weeks.
Man needing help: But I'll be back from my trip to Mexico in less than two weeks.
Lady at post office: Well, we can expedite it and you'll get your passport back in two weeks.
–Post Office, Grand Central
Overheard by: Adam Lazarus
Conductor over PA: Attention passengers, ladies and gentlemen, this is the train to… Um… Where the hell are we going? Train to somewhere. Let's go somewhere!
–LIRR, Penn Station
Overheard by: Rob T Firefly
NJ transit conductor: If you are getting off at Linden, you need to be in the front two cars. If you are wearing your headphones, I don't want to hear you complain later. (five minutes later) If you are getting off at Linden, you need to be in the first two cars. If you are confused about where the front of the train is, it's the way we are facing and the way the train is moving. Just turn the same way the train is moving and walk up to the front two cars.
Conductor: This is a downtown 1 train. Sorry, an uptown 1 train. The next stop is 110th. Actually, the next stop is 103rd. Stand clear of the closing doors.
Overheard by: Samantha
Conductor: Next stop is Wall Street. Wall Street, where they compromise everything.
–Downtown 2 Train
Overheard by: Ellen
Angry conductor: We apologize for the delay in service while the police inspected the train. Contrary to popular belief, there are no dead people on this train.
–Downtown N Train
Overheard by: Dead Men Can't Talk
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are stopped because of… Because of… Fuck! I don't know.