Archive for the ‘Christianity’ Category

All the World’s a Wednesday and the People Merely One-Liners

Loud angsty teen boy: My life is a tragedy and I’m only in act two! –LaGuardia High School Overheard by: He’s no Shakespeare… Actor: I almost woke up dead this morning. But I don’t have an understudy. –Gallery Players, Park Slope Overheard by: Emily B. Guy: …and grimace could play Mary Magdalene. –Lincoln Center Shake Shack patron: It was like Menopause: The musical. –Madison Square Park Overheard by: Adam Nathan Queer on cell: Honey, if you thought Menopause was funny, you are gonna piss yo pants at The Vagina Monologues! –Walgreens, Union Square Flyer guy to girl with Rent shirt: Why you gonna go see Rent? Have you seen it yet? The gay guy dies. Woo! –Times Square Overheard by: Minerva Stagehand: Julliard is a school. It’s not like Spamalot. –Lincoln Center Overheard by: Emily B.

Infernal Wednesday One-Liners

Protestant street preacher with mic: You’re going down the Broadway to Hell. –42nd & 8th Subway preacher: When you buy a tree and put that in your house, and when you put all the presents under the tree, that’s all for Satan, not for Jesus. One day I was thinking about how the name Santa looks familiar, and I’m thinking to myself, Goddammit… No, wait, sorry. I’m thinking to myself, Santa… No, that’s Satan. You see? They kept the S but they just changed all the rest of the letters around. –Brooklyn-bound C train Overheard by: P. Mills Suit on cell: The only thing is, she’s so innocent. I need someone to curse at me and spit in my face. I need some rough, yelling-at-each-other sex. I’m like Satan and she’s the Virgin Mary. –Metro-North train, Grand Central Hardhat: I don’t know if I’m going to heaven; I don’t know if I’m going to hell… All I know is I have to change at Jamaica. –LIRR Overheard by: Rob Yuppie woman talking to herself: The devil is a liar — a fucking liar! –Outside Lincoln Plaza Theatre Overheard by: SLC kid Teacher: I’m going to burn in Hell for this… Wait! I’m Jewish! I don’t believe in Hell! I’m not going to burn! Yay! –Hunter College High

Martin Luther: Really?

Loud teenage guidette: He doesn’t date!
Ugly teenage guidette: Yeah, he’s gay or something. I heard—yeah.
Loud teenage guidette: No, no, he’s protestant—like religious. They worship this Chinese guy…
Ugly teenage guidette: Oh, I heard about that! They don’t date?
Loud teenage guidette: They don’t date white people. –Starbucks

Wasn’t There Some Kind Of Angel with a Turkey Baster?

Teen girl: You know what I don’t get?
Preppy friend: What?
Teen girl: If Mary was a virgin, how did she get pregnant?
Preppy friend: Uh…I think a white dove came down and landed on her.
Teen girl: … And where did it land?
Preppy friend: On her shoulder.
Teen girl: So a dove–
Preppy friend: A white dove. Impregnated mary on her shoulder. Yeah.
Teen girl: Who told you that?
Preppy friend: Sara, in Geometry.
Teen girl: … Sara is Jewish, you idiot! –McDonald’s, Park Ave

White Folks Still Claim Jesus Was A Cracker

Teen boy: Do you know where I can find those Communion wafers? I want to eat them with salsa.
Friend: Um, you can’t just eat those. It’s the body of Christ. –Rockefeller Center Overheard by: Jason
Headline by: Bored Beyond Belief
· “Besides, Three Days Later You’ll Be Hungry Again” – Sparky
· “…And After Three days, He Arose, with Craving for Pico de Gallo” – Russ Wall
· “…And They’re 2000 Years Past Their Expiration Date” – John
· “And Stop Putting Salt on the Rim of the Chalice” – Amy Stephenson
· “Betcha Can’t Transubstantiate Just One” – chris
· “Body of Satan Has More Tang Anyway” – Jessica
· “Friends Don’t Let Friends Go to Church Stoned” – Pix
· “If Jesus Wanted Us to Eat Him with Salsa, He’d Be Appearing on Tortillas…. Oh… Wait.” – ilemanzer
· “Look for the Bag Marked ‘Corpus Crispy'” – Slept thru the Sermon
· “My God Stays Crunchy in Milk” – Benedict
· “That’s What You Said about the Last Donut, Too” – SDP
· “The Next Special Ingredient on Iron Chef” – dan
· “They’re Best Served with Dogma” – zg
· “Try the Taco Bells of St. Mary’s” – jules

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Christ, He’s Still Not Quite Getting It

Man #1: I went to confession, to a priest. I unloaded some pretty bad things I done. He was a Jesuit, this priest was. He knew I was feeling bad, so he told me not to be hard on myself, that God loves me no matter what. Then he said God loves all of us, that he loved Hitler just as much as the Blessed Mother.
Man #2: That’s some pretty heavy shit. I’ll tell you this, if I were that priest I wouldn’t say that at a synagogue.
Man #1: Jeez, I didn’t think of that. –Carnegie Deli, 7th Avenue

Like Snowflakes, No Two Wednesday One-Liners Are Identical

Loud chick to male companion: And she sings when she orgasms! Like, "a-a-a-a-aaaah!" and "e-e-e-e-eeeeeee!" –Downtown 1 Train Overheard by: Ladle Man outside Starbucks: Dude! I gave Sharon an orgasm over the phone last night. (laughs) –Starbucks, 14th St Overheard by: Elizabel Subway musician: Y'all better be good 'cause Santa Claus only comes once a year. But that's between him and Mrs. Claus. –W 4th St Subway Platform Young man on cell: It looks like a 42-inch orgasm. –Posman Books, Grand Central Terminal Overheard by: ant Hot chick to another: You're like the Mother Teresa of orgasms! –1020 Bar, 110th & Broadway Overheard by: Chuck Bass