Archive for the ‘Church’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners (the King James Version)

Cute chick on cell: If the Amish can do it, so can you. [Pause, then louder.] If the Amish can do it, so can you! –113th & Amsterdam Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy Lady on cell: You tell my momma to get her ass to church and stop sinning! –Grand Concourse, 205th St. Overheard by: LSB Black guy to another: Go to the Catholic church, cracka. They got good drugs. –11th & A Middle Eastern man: I believe in Islam and Allah, but I drink, I smoke, and I fuck. When I stop doing those things, then I’ll pray. –C Train Overheard by: Mark Thug: I totally invented the Chuck Norris religion. –Queens Mall Overheard by: LSB

You'd Think People Of Mediterranean Descent Would All Get Along Swimmingly

Guido: Excuse me, miss? Miss? Have I seen you in my church?
20-something girl: No.
Guido: No, no, I definitely saw you in my church. We go to the same one.
20-something girl, sighing: Sir… If I went to any house of worship, it'd be a synagogue. And I stay as far away from those as possible. Have a nice day now.
Guido: Aaaaawww, I liiike you! –82nd & Broadway

Nos Morituri Te Wednesday One-Liners

Boat PA: Ladies and gentlemen on the top deck of the boat, please do not stand on the benches. If you fall overboard, you will die in this frigid, freezing water. Thank you, and enjoy your visit to Ellis island. –Ellis Island Ferry Overheard by: land lubber Urban sophisticate: Steve Irwin’s death was random. That stingray did not know where his heart was! –Metropolitan Opera Overheard by: Opera Onlooker Male suit to woman suit: So, hopefully you’re not the angel of death… Are you? –53rd & Broadway Overheard by: S&B Teen guy to three teenage girls: I’m pretty sure I’m invincible and can’t die. –6th Ave Overheard by: Justin Woman on cell: My trip went really well, except for Marilyn’s* death and all. –52nd St & Madison Overheard by: kinicke 50-something professor: So, then the little girl goes back up into her room where she is reading bible verses while everyone else is in church. Then, she either dies all alone… Like Heath Ledger… Or she kills herself. We just don’t know. –Barnard College

Decent, Churchgoing Wednesday One-Liners

Girl on phone: Look, motherfucker — I’ll wear what I want to church on Sunday. –Restaurant, 46th St Black woman: Yeah, chips and soda for a dollar! That’s one church I won’t go back to. –F train Overheard by: Kevin Z Guy on cell: I don’t need to fucking hear that at home! That’s what I’ve got church for! –Broome & Allen Mother to small daughter outside St. Patrick’s: Stop crying — I know it looks more like a haunted house than a church. –St. Patrick’s Cathedral, 5th Ave Black dude: Nigga, nuns ain’t real. –Union Square Overheard by: Gabriel

In the Name Of the Father, the Son, and the Wednesday One-Liner

Husband pushing carriage to wife: You're lucky I'm on my way to church right now, or I'd kill you. –Upper West Side Chick on cell: But the real question is, is he Catholic? And an insomniac? –113th & Broadway Overheard by: Poogins Sequined Australian drag queen: Well, I know an Antichrist religion when I see it. –2nd St & 2nd Ave Overheard by: Alisha Girl on phone: He told me he was raped by a Catholic priest when he was little, but like I don't believe him. –Butler Library, Columbia University Train conductor: 110th Street, Cathedral Parkway. There are churches here, you know. –1 Train Man to woman, after getting off cell phone: Ah, that was Nancy–booty call. She says I gotta get over there before she's got to go to church. –Q Train Overheard by: spygirl

That Would Explain All the Helmets.

Man to woman after hearing a man sing “Amazing Grace”: Maybe it was the all-retarded hour at church. –Bronx Overheard by: ClaRity Headline by: bobofthejungle Runners-Up:
· “Another Happy Sunday with Simon and Paula.” – again
· “But It Still Beats the All-Amputee Hour at the Strip Club.” – SNA
· “Flowers For AlgerNun” – Paul K.
· “From Midget Masses to Handicapped Hymns, Mega-Churches Pull Out All The Stops” – stacey
· “They’re Down with God” – Rostkowski
Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Wednesday 1:00-Liners

Dude, in front of closed Staples: Staples doesn't open until fucking noon? What are we, in a goddamn small town? Noon? Am I supposed to be in fucking church right now? God! –Meeker St, Brooklyn Overheard by: Simon Girl on cell: Because I don't function in the world of time so well. –7th Ave b/w 27th & 28th St Overheard by: John C Pilot on PA: JetBlue welcomes you to New York City, where the local time is 1:40… 1:45… Kinda… I think. –JFK Law student to another: What time is it in the real world? –Fordham Law School