Archive for the ‘Church’ Category

At Least the Alphabet Answers Me

Older sister leading younger brother to sanctuary rail before mass: Now, you kneel down and you pray. Fold your hands like this (demonstrates) and now we pray. (begins murmuring “Our Father”)
Little brother (eyes sister anxiously, begins softly singing): A, b, c, d, e, f, g, h, i, j, k, l…
Older sister: Are you praying? –Jerome Ave & Morris Ave

Wednesday One-Liners Are History, Dude

Guy holding baby: I’ve decided I’m going to write a pop-up history of the ancient world, based on Herodotus. Should be great for babies. –Strand Bookstore American history tutor: The only dictator I know of is Hugo Chavez, and that’s because I met him. –Jake’s Saloon, 57th & 10th Overheard by: poor kid’s gonna fail that test Rich mom with two kids: … And it was named after our country’s first president, Christopher Columbus. –117th & Broadway Overheard by: doesn’t get columbus day off Guy to friend: If I can make it through the ’80s, I can make it through anything. –Astor Pl Overheard by: squishduck Professor: Sigismondo Malatesta was the only person in history to ever be publicly consigned to Hell by the pope. Now, that’s when a pope was a pope. I wish the pope would just get on TV and say, ‘You’re going to Hell!’ –Fordham University – Rose Hill Overheard by: Christina Guy: Wait, have I ever told you guys about my irrational fear of the late 1800s? –NYU dorm Overheard by: Danimal

…In the True Spirit Of Easter.

Teen skater #1: Dude, I wanted to chill on Easter but my mom said I had to go to church.
Teen skater #2: You should've said “mom, fuck church!”
Teen skater #1: Dude, if I had said “fuck,” I wouldn't be alive. I would've been under the couch. My mama would've stuffed me in a bag… Put some incense on that shit so it wouldn't smell. –6 Train Overheard by: trying not to laugh

Wednesday, with a One-Liner Chaser

Female day-drinking tourist: Oh shit, I left my vodka in the church! –Outside Trinity Church Man on cell: If it's possible to ferment it, we have fermented it. –7th St b/w 2nd & 3rd Ave Middle-aged man to younger man: You know how cats and dogs–they eat and then they go? In one end and out the other. I'm like that. My bladder has room for the equivalent of one good cocktail. –10th Ave and W 50th St Overheard by: Ah….middle age Commuter at 8 am: Beer. Beer. –Grand Central Overheard by: baconista Old drunk walking into a liquor store, to clerk: Have you got my prescription? –Broadway & 106th St Overheard by: rickbruner

Bless Me, Father, for I Have Wednesday One-Linered

Man in cowboy hat, looking at large crowd surrounding a Jew for Jesus: Man, I can't compete with religion, all I got are card tricks! This sucks! –Union Square Overheard by: SilentRaver Guy on cell: Why, is it because it's the blacks? (pause) Oh, I get it. It's the Baptists. –Cosi, 13th & Broadway Overheard by: Heather Crazy creepster, going up to Catholic girls and screaming: Catholic schoolgirls rule! –R Train Overheard by: Amanduh Tall, 40-something guy on cell: I don't know… I don't think I can go drunk to church. –53rd St & 5th Ave Overheard by: Midtown Schmidtown Woman: My husband is pissed because I skipped church for this shit! –Medieval Festival, Ft. Tryon Park

You'd Think People Of Mediterranean Descent Would All Get Along Swimmingly

Guido: Excuse me, miss? Miss? Have I seen you in my church?
20-something girl: No.
Guido: No, no, I definitely saw you in my church. We go to the same one.
20-something girl, sighing: Sir… If I went to any house of worship, it'd be a synagogue. And I stay as far away from those as possible. Have a nice day now.
Guido: Aaaaawww, I liiike you! –82nd & Broadway