Archive for the ‘City College’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Blame Their Mothers

CCNY student: I've always thought he has psychological problems. (pause) Like, he's one of those people that has to flip the light switch 17 times or the whole world dies. –Hallway, CCNY Overheard by: ladyliver Suit on cell: She is trying to get a good education so that she can pay for therapy later on. –1250 Broadway Loud male customer counting out packets of chewing tobacco: One! Two! Three! Four! Five! Six! Ever since I quit my job at Sesame Street, I can't seem to live my life. Kermit is my shrink, so of course I'm screwed… –Smoke Shop, Park Slope Overheard by: Kiri Dude hanging up his cell: Oh my god, I think all Jewish girls need therapy. –Good Stuff Diner, 14th St Overheard by: Kosi Suit on cell: Dude, I know, but like, you either get help, or you're normal. (pause) No, dude, pick one, get help or be normal. Damn. –Port Authority Overheard by: Sarah History teacher to class: Does that make you uncomfortable? Because I know I'm mental. –Bronx High School of Science Overheard by: Lillian

Half-Credit for Originality

High school guy: Why they called us ‘niggers’? They wake up and say, ‘We callin ’em ‘niggers’ from now on!’ or something?
High school girl: No, idiot, ’cause they got us from the Nigger River in Africa. –CCNY, 135th Convent Ave Overheard by: APR 04 Alum

Wednesday One-Liners– IQ: 180 Social Skills: -57

Professor: Why do people take drugs? Because their lives suck. That's right…all of you. –Manhattan College Chemistry professor, discussing quantum physics: If you beat on something hard enough, you can get it to do what you want! –St. John's University, New York City Property professor, after playing Barbra Streisand's version of "Not While I'm Around": Now, is that the same song as Steven Sondheim's version in Sweeney Todd?? (dreamily) Well, when Barbra Streisand does a song…is it ever the same song? –St. John's Law School Overheard by: Cori Professor: If Obama wins the election, I'll buy you all beer. –The Cooper Union Professor: So the way Saint Augustine broke the Lord's commandment not to steal (nobody in class is listening) Was all just his way of honoring the Lord's law, by creating his own. It's sort of like when you have a child that's not allowed to stay up past nine but he knows his parents can stay up as late as they want, so in an act of rebellion he smears his shit all over the walls. –NYU Professor: Now, for your presentations, there is a time limit. If you go over nine minutes, I will cut you. (silent pause) …off. –City College of New York

Wednesday One-Liners Smell Like Victory

One Hispanic lady to another: How you gonna give a kid with stinky feet Botox? –R Train Overheard by: Ferna Smelly granola girl on cell: I dunno, maybe Wilco is too big to have an opening act. The show was, like, two days ago. (stops, sniffs armpit and winces) Fuck, I need a serious shower. I haven't been home since the show. Doesn't that suck? When you forget to clean up after a few days? (laughs to herself) –McCarren Park Overheard by: AleKatz Woman on cell: It smells like college! –BrewFest, South Street Seaport Office student: It literally smells like my ass. –CCNY Computer Lab Girl: Nigga, you smell like the crack in my titties. –Q Train Dude on cell: Man, she came six times last night. It was crazy! (pause) We were soaking wet, but I didn't mind. It was nice to see her enjoying it. (pause) No, it didn't smell. It didn't smell like anything. –Union Square Overheard by: who are these people?

Paris Hilton: “That's Wednesday One-Liner.”

Hipster waitress to another: Camel toe is like, really hot, but also really uncomfortable. –Williamsburg College guy to friend: Dude, I'd definitely date a dude who looked like a hot chick… It's not gay. –Hunter College Overheard by: Stephen Professor: Welcome to CUNY, it's like menopause. It's either too hot or too cold. –City University of New York Latino girl on cell: Bitch, please. I'm gonna look mad hot tonight. I'ma comb my hair! –American Apparel Male professor: I don't care how hot Brad Pitt is… If he sits on my lap, nothing's going to happen! –New York Institute of Technology Overheard by: Not Brad Pitt

Wednesday One-Liners Make Beautiful Music Together

20-something girl: I feel sorta guilty for illegally downloading "We Are the World." What's that Haiti number? I should text them some money to clear my conscience. –LIRR Middle aged guy to female colleague: It's really good and all, but it's only after listening to the lyrics that I got a little worried. I mean all she kept saying was "I want your disease, I want your disease." What is that? –6 Train Overheard by: Kishan FedEx guy: I'm looking for Phil Harmonic. He needs to sign for this. –Avery Fisher Hall, Lincoln Center Plaza Overheard by: Rob Loud Angelina Jolie wannabe watching band: I love this band, their music is like making love… Am I right? –Terminal 5 Overheard by: Dani Cakes Guy with guitar to naive teens: Yeah, music is the only way we can fight our oppressive, totalitarian government. –City College Overheard by: Stephen