Archive for the ‘City College’ Category

All You Need Is Wednesday One-Liner

Announcer guy: Hey girl, I love your face. And Charmin loves the other end!

–Charmin NYC Restrooms, Times Square

Overheard by: Nathan

Drunk boyfriend: Thanksgiving is over, and so is our love!

–Grand & Leonard, Williamsburg

Overheard by: fanny

Subway busker, about next song: This is not a love song. The reason that this is not a love song is because I don't like her anymore.

–Time Square

Philosophy professor on last day of class: If you love something, set it free. And if it flies away, run after it and kill it.

–City College

Overheard by: Dan Lurie

20-something guy to friend sharing iPod with him: I would do anything to live there…I would pretend to be in love.

–Downtown 6 Train

Overheard by: dallas

Woman on cell: I will skin and tar you. (pause) Oh, I love you!

–W Broadway & W 3rd St

Wednesday One-Liners– IQ: 180 Social Skills: -57

Professor: Why do people take drugs? Because their lives suck. That's right…all of you.

–Manhattan College

Chemistry professor, discussing quantum physics: If you beat on something hard enough, you can get it to do what you want!

–St. John's University, New York City

Property professor, after playing Barbra Streisand's version of "Not While I'm Around": Now, is that the same song as Steven Sondheim's version in Sweeney Todd?? (dreamily) Well, when Barbra Streisand does a song…is it ever the same song?

–St. John's Law School

Overheard by: Cori

Professor: If Obama wins the election, I'll buy you all beer.

–The Cooper Union

Professor: So the way Saint Augustine broke the Lord's commandment not to steal (nobody in class is listening) Was all just his way of honoring the Lord's law, by creating his own. It's sort of like when you have a child that's not allowed to stay up past nine but he knows his parents can stay up as late as they want, so in an act of rebellion he smears his shit all over the walls.

–NYU

Professor: Now, for your presentations, there is a time limit. If you go over nine minutes, I will cut you. (silent pause) …off.

–City College of New York

Wednesday One-Liners Call the Hotline Every Week

Teen girl, despairingly: If they ever find out a way to bring people back to life, I’m going to kill myself!

–14th St Subway Platform

Overheard by: yoncto

Blonde on cell: Don’t send me stupid things about how you want to stab yourself in the heart. It’s inconsiderate.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Confabulation Nation

Hipster: I’m so stressed out right now; if I was going to NYU, I would’ve jumped out of a building.

–City College

Overheard by: Damn Right!

Guy on cell: You took them with alcohol? [Pause.] Wait, let me get this straight, you took all of them, then you got drunk? Yeah dude, that is just suicide.

–Elevator, Saks Fifth Ave

Old waitress: Were you here the time Jimmy crucified himself?

–Manhattan Restaurant, Greenpoint

Overheard by: chris

Disgruntled Latina to friend: And I told her bitch: "Kill yourself, you don’t even know how to smoke right!"

–4 Train

Half-Credit for Originality

High school guy: Why they called us ‘niggers’? They wake up and say, ‘We callin ‘em ‘niggers’ from now on!’ or something?
High school girl: No, idiot, ’cause they got us from the Nigger River in Africa.

–CCNY, 135th Convent Ave

Overheard by: APR 04 Alum