Archive for the ‘Columbia University’ Category

At Least Wednesday One-Liners Can Cook

Drunk college girl: I don’t mean to have sex with ugly guys but more often than not… –Columbia University Overheard by: Lo Thuggish dude on cell: … You want to look in the mirror and be like ewww, while everyone else looks at you and is like, ooh, you know what I’m saying? When I wake up in the morning and I look in the mirror I think to myself shit, I am one ugly motherfucker, how the hell do I get so many bitches? –7 Train Overheard by: Andrea Dumpy man waiting on line: I didn’t know court was a beauty contest for ugly women. –Downtown NYC Courthouse Man fighting with random woman on train: You’re as ugly as the tip of my dick! –4 Train Overheard by: Marlon B Teenage girl to group of friends: Oh! Did I tell you *Jessica had her baby? Yeah, that shit ain’t ugly. –Cobble Hill Loud girl: Omigod I’m soooo pissed! Like, she’s so ugly. Much uglier than me. And you know on Halloween, if I hadn’t been bleeding from my vagina and puking in a bowl he would have hooked up with me instead. –Fordham University Overheard by: I was puking in a bowl when I heard this too

Wednesday Wears the One-Liners in This Family

Southern tourist in pink pants: I don’t see anybody else wearing pink pants around here! –73rd & Broadway Overheard by: Harriet Vane Girl on cell, wearing leggings and a t-shirt: Oh, shit, I forgot to put on pants again. –Columbia University Lady in corner stall: Damn, I done sweated through my pants! –Restroom, 1 Liberty Plaza Smug girl to gaggle: No, these are my period pants. My mom washed them for me! –Columbia University Overheard by: bih. Thug: I’m the only playa in the hood with his pants on his waist! –10th & Ave B Overheard by: Kayla K Conductor over intercom: Attention, all crew members! Be sure you have your pants! Hey, Larry, you got yo’ pants? –Penn Station Overheard by: Geologist

Effing Wednesday One-Liners

Chick on cell: The well of his fuckwaddery springs eternal. –Columbia University Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy Columbia student: Fuck. Fucking titties! What the fuck? Fucking titties, this is some goddamn bullshit! I really want a snack. –110th & Broadway Guy to girl: Are you serious? I'm not fucking creepy, okay? I'm not fucking creepy. –Washington Square Park Overheard by: NYU girl Man on bicycle, yelling at car: Fuck you! Yeah, use your fucking blinkers, you fuckstick! –10th & Broadway Overheard by: Helene and Alice Guy on cell, in monotone with no pauses: Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, I need you, I need you, I need you, bitch. (hangs up) –M4 Bus

The Same Dynamic That Makes People See Slasher Movies

Overexcited teenage girl, picking up a copy of Alice Sebold's Lucky: Oh my god. Do not read this book. It will make you want to kill yourself, and the author.
Bored teenage boy: Really? I'm not that… depressed or anything.
Overexcited teenage girl: Neither was I! –Columbia University Bookstore Overheard by: amused bookseller

Cute, Cuter, Wednesday-One-Linest

Portly young woman browsing dress for herself, nonchalantly: Oh, this is cute, but too bad it doesn't come in fat-ass-bitch size. –Target, Brooklyn 20-something girl to boyfriend: Oh my god, you are so cute I just wanna punch you in the face! –135th & 5th Overheard by: Howzith Middle-aged woman on cell exiting bus: You have a blessed day! (to phone) No, not you! I was talking to the bus driver–he was really cute! –Brooklyn Overheard by: B44 rider Student fundraiser to passerby: Taiwan needs help! Hey, you're cute enough to help Taiwan! –Columbia University Overheard by: L-Dubbs Cute blonde to friend at gym: Oh my god! Look! That looks like a cuter version of this bald guy I slept with in a closet over the summer! –14th & 3rd Overheard by: Rob Lovett

Wednesdays Are Naturally Sweetened With One-Liners

Chick on cell: As a pie-lover, I have a question. –Columbia University Overheard by: Poogins Father to toddler: No, you can't have a doughnut. You just had a doughnut yesterday. You can have another when you're…25! –Doughnut Plant, Grand & Norfolk Large older woman: I like cherry, lemon, peach, apple, and pumpkin. Other than that, I'm not a big pie person. –Central Park Bench Overheard by: Struedel Snatcher Big black guy: And she kept trying to get me to take a pie, but I kept telling her, "bitch, I ain't got no room for no pie!" –Penn Station Young lady to friend, gravely: I understand, but things have changed. That was before the chocolate bonanza. –72nd & Broadway Overheard by: T. Ryan

And I Put a Blanket Over the Gin-Filled Kiddie Pool

Mother: I swear, the next time you're late coming to see me… I mean, I'll give you five minutes and then I'm gone.
Daughter: I couldn't help it. They were doing room inspections and I had to stick around.
Mother: Room inspections?
Daughter: Yeah, they come around and check your rooms, make sure there's like no lights or no alcohol.
Mother: What about the alcohol I gave you?
Daughter: They don't open drawers. –Pizza Place near Columbia University