Drunk college girl: I don’t mean to have sex with ugly guys but more often than not… –Columbia University Overheard by: Lo Thuggish dude on cell: … You want to look in the mirror and be like ewww, while everyone else looks at you and is like, ooh, you know what I’m saying? When I wake up in the morning and I look in the mirror I think to myself shit, I am one ugly motherfucker, how the hell do I get so many bitches? –7 Train Overheard by: Andrea Dumpy man waiting on line: I didn’t know court was a beauty contest for ugly women. –Downtown NYC Courthouse Man fighting with random woman on train: You’re as ugly as the tip of my dick! –4 Train Overheard by: Marlon B Teenage girl to group of friends: Oh! Did I tell you *Jessica had her baby? Yeah, that shit ain’t ugly. –Cobble Hill Loud girl: Omigod I’m soooo pissed! Like, she’s so ugly. Much uglier than me. And you know on Halloween, if I hadn’t been bleeding from my vagina and puking in a bowl he would have hooked up with me instead. –Fordham University Overheard by: I was puking in a bowl when I heard this too
Southern tourist in pink pants: I don’t see anybody else wearing pink pants around here! –73rd & Broadway Overheard by: Harriet Vane Girl on cell, wearing leggings and a t-shirt: Oh, shit, I forgot to put on pants again. –Columbia University Lady in corner stall: Damn, I done sweated through my pants! –Restroom, 1 Liberty Plaza Smug girl to gaggle: No, these are my period pants. My mom washed them for me! –Columbia University Overheard by: bih. Thug: I’m the only playa in the hood with his pants on his waist! –10th & Ave B Overheard by: Kayla K Conductor over intercom: Attention, all crew members! Be sure you have your pants! Hey, Larry, you got yo’ pants? –Penn Station Overheard by: Geologist
Chick on cell: The well of his fuckwaddery springs eternal. –Columbia University Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy Columbia student: Fuck. Fucking titties! What the fuck? Fucking titties, this is some goddamn bullshit! I really want a snack. –110th & Broadway Guy to girl: Are you serious? I'm not fucking creepy, okay? I'm not fucking creepy. –Washington Square Park Overheard by: NYU girl Man on bicycle, yelling at car: Fuck you! Yeah, use your fucking blinkers, you fuckstick! –10th & Broadway Overheard by: Helene and Alice Guy on cell, in monotone with no pauses: Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, I need you, I need you, I need you, bitch. (hangs up) –M4 Bus
Overexcited teenage girl, picking up a copy of Alice Sebold's Lucky: Oh my god. Do not read this book. It will make you want to kill yourself, and the author.
Bored teenage boy: Really? I'm not that… depressed or anything.
Overexcited teenage girl: Neither was I! –Columbia University Bookstore Overheard by: amused bookseller
Portly young woman browsing dress for herself, nonchalantly: Oh, this is cute, but too bad it doesn't come in fat-ass-bitch size. –Target, Brooklyn 20-something girl to boyfriend: Oh my god, you are so cute I just wanna punch you in the face! –135th & 5th Overheard by: Howzith Middle-aged woman on cell exiting bus: You have a blessed day! (to phone) No, not you! I was talking to the bus driver–he was really cute! –Brooklyn Overheard by: B44 rider Student fundraiser to passerby: Taiwan needs help! Hey, you're cute enough to help Taiwan! –Columbia University Overheard by: L-Dubbs Cute blonde to friend at gym: Oh my god! Look! That looks like a cuter version of this bald guy I slept with in a closet over the summer! –14th & 3rd Overheard by: Rob Lovett
Girl #1: Did you know babies have natural reflexes? Like, if you stick your finger in their hand, they'll grab it, and if you try to pull it away, they'll hold on to it for like a minute.
Girl #2: Did you know if you punch a baby in the face, it'll cry? –Columbia University Overheard by: mkb
Greenpeace guy: Hey! Do you care about the environment?
Angry student: No.
Greenpeace guy: How about polar bears?
Angry student: No.
Greenpeace guy: Well, why not?
Angry student: They're not tasty. –Outside Columbia University
Chick on cell: As a pie-lover, I have a question. –Columbia University Overheard by: Poogins Father to toddler: No, you can't have a doughnut. You just had a doughnut yesterday. You can have another when you're…25! –Doughnut Plant, Grand & Norfolk Large older woman: I like cherry, lemon, peach, apple, and pumpkin. Other than that, I'm not a big pie person. –Central Park Bench Overheard by: Struedel Snatcher Big black guy: And she kept trying to get me to take a pie, but I kept telling her, "bitch, I ain't got no room for no pie!" –Penn Station Young lady to friend, gravely: I understand, but things have changed. That was before the chocolate bonanza. –72nd & Broadway Overheard by: T. Ryan
Student: So how can we use this information to our advantage?
Professor: Well, if you were ever going to kill someone you would want to bury them in wet ground.
Student: Like a swamp?
Professor, with evil grin: A swamp would be ideal. –Electromagnetics Lecture, Columbia University
Mother: I swear, the next time you're late coming to see me… I mean, I'll give you five minutes and then I'm gone.
Daughter: I couldn't help it. They were doing room inspections and I had to stick around.
Mother: Room inspections?
Daughter: Yeah, they come around and check your rooms, make sure there's like no lights or no alcohol.
Mother: What about the alcohol I gave you?
Daughter: They don't open drawers. –Pizza Place near Columbia University