Stephen Colbert: Coxsackie. It’s something that kids get when they eat their poop, or even worse, someone else’s poop. It’s highly contagious. For instance, in those playpens, with the plastic balls? Sometimes they lick the balls, and they get coxsackie…God, that sounded so wrong.
–The Colbert Report studio, 54th & 10th
Overheard by: future gyno
Archive for the ‘Comedians’ Category
She’s Mastered Basting in the Kitchen
Mom: …so I was making a roast, but the thing was that I only had chicken stock gravy. Chicken stock gravy! So I used it! On the beef!
Chick: You live on the edge, Mom.
–Penn Station
Overheard by: djlindee
15% More for the Waiter
A guy stands up and vomits in the middle of the restaurant. Guy #2: Seriously…you might wanna rethink this All-You-Can-Drink Sunday buffet. –Candela, East 16th Street
Twenty Drink Minimum
Promoter guy: Stand-up comedy! Are you interested in seeing some stand-up comedy tonight? Hey, I’m asking you a question.
Dude: Oh, no thanks.
Promoter guy: Oh, well, we also have stand-up misery.
–Times Square
Overheard by: Adam Robbins
That Soda’ll Make You Giggle Before Those Hacks
Comedy Pamphlet man: Do you guys want to get drunk and laugh your asses off?
Guy: Sorry, we’re under 21.
Comedy Pamphlet man: How about some soda and a giggle?
–Times Square
Overheard by: Cody Wymore
There’s a Keebler Elf Graveyard Up in There
A fat girl’s belly is pooling over the top of her jeans.
Guy: Hey, check out her muffin tops.
Girl: Dude, those aren’t muffin tops; they’re a whole cake explosion.
–N train
Overheard by: Tina
Not as Gay as Their Lame Material
Comedy Club guy: Hey, do you girls want to come to a great comedy show?
Girl: No thanks.
Comedy Club guy: Oh, no, not with me. I’m gay.
–Penn Station
Soft Pretzels, Hard Questions
Woman: Can I get 2 pretzels to go?
Cart guy: To go? As opposed to what, eat in?
–Food cart, 52nd & 5th
Overheard by: Evan
Paris, Is That You?
Guy: So how come you were late today?
Girl: I really had to take a dump, otherwise my downward-facing dog was gonna be a non-housebroken one.
–Broadway & Houston
Overheard by: Daniel Motta
Our City is Better Than Yours, and Here’s Why
Subway comic: Ladies, special today is used pregnancy tests. I’ve got negative and positive. Gentlemen, you won’t need to go on Maury. I got Viagra Snickers bars, straight from the nursing home. And for all you people who lift weights, this just in: Barry Bonds’ used steroid needles. I’m here for one reason and one reason only, so dig deep in your wallet and pocketbook…Wooh! I got a dollar! I can buy a superbubble and some chips! For every $5 or $10 you give me, it takes me one step closer to college. For every $100 or $200 you give me, I won’t need college. My name is Crazy Jay! Look for me, and thanks for being nosey! –D train