Archive for the ‘Compliments’ Category

You're No Body 'Til Some Body Wednesday One-Liners You

Girl: He has a really amazing skull.

–Bakery, Cortelyou Road

Guy to friend: Why is that girls can get away with picking their noses?

–170th St & Broadway

Loud girl on cell in line at deli: You know I have bladder issues whenever I have sex!

–Broadway & Ooper

Lady suit, screaming into cell: Colon cleanse! Colon cleanse! Colon cleanse! I need a goddamn colon cleanse!

–Staten Island Ferry

Overheard by: Colin

Wednesday's Always on the Wrong Side Of the One-Liner

Conductor, as train finally leaves the station after long delay: Listen people, do not hold the doors open! I'm going to send y'all to your room!

–2 Train

Train conductor: Please stand clear of the closing doors. Attention everyone, the doors are stuck and will not be closing anytime soon. Please stand clear of the closing doors.

–G Train

Overheard by: Sunny

Conductor: Sir, please remove your head from the closing doors!

–Downtown B Train

Train conductor: Please do not hold the train doors open. I will stop this train and make everyone get off if you keep holding the doors. Then the other passengers will be very mad at you. If you really want to hold the doors open, get a job with the MTA, and then you can hold them open until the cows come home.

–E Train

Overheard by: Ally

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, please wait for the doors to completely close before leaning on them. Please do not lean on the doors.

–N Train

Overheard by: erkala

Conductor: This is the 7 train. Get ready to jump off. Easy on, easy off. No one's been holding any doors. Good job, people!

–7 Train

Overheard by: Jeff L.

It Deserves a Hand.

Blonde #1: So my seventy-year-old father-in-law looks at porn!
Blonde #2: So what?
Blonde #3: Yeah, that just means he's a heterosexual guy.
Blonde #1: But that totally changes my opinion about moving into their place when we sell ours. I don't even want to touch his mouse!
Blonde #3: I'm sure he doesn't use the same hand.
Blonde #2: Yeah, you don't switch off like that.
Blonde #3: Yeah, he probably mouses with the right hand and jerks it with the left!
(silence)
Blonde #2
: That was the best thing I've ever heard.


–105th St & Broadway