Archive for the ‘Condoms’ Category

Wait — “Lubricant”?

Neighbor #1: Did you see the used condom on our doorknob?
Neighbor #2: No!
Neighbor #1: And it was inside out, too… All the lubricant was leaking out of it.
Neighbor #2: Lovely.
Neighbor #1: But I fixed them… I went and got napkins so I could peel it off of there without getting it all over me.
Neighbor #2, thoughtfully: You know, it could have been anyone in the building.
Neighbor #1: True! –St. Mark’s & 2nd Overheard by: tourist girl

Wednesday One-Liners Have Wood.

Teenage boy: You know, if you think about it, violins are basically just giant condoms. –Bard High School, Queens Overheard by: Sunny Older man on cell walking two giant dogs: She has a great body… When she sits, it's like a German violinist. –Thompson Square Park Mother to young daughter: Even if she was tired and cranky, she still shouldn't have hit you on the shoulder with a violin. –Ave A & 6th St Woman on cell: Let's go see the one about the transsexual violinists. (pause, yelling louder) Violinists! The transsexual violin players. Violin! (pause) You didn't say "violin"? Just transsexuals? (pause) Did you say "violence"? (pause) No? (pause) I'm not hungover! –J Train

Unless I Wore the Ronald Reagan Mask.

Guy trying to sell condoms with Obama on them: Obama condoms, folks! Only $5!
Teenage girl #1: I bet those are good for hard times!
Teenage girl #2: That's the kind of stimulus package I'm talkin' bout!
Teenage girl #1: Oh my god! You should get some for you and Bobby!
Teenage girl #2: No way! He's a Republican! He wouldn't fuck me for a whole week if I asked him to wear one!! –Battery Park Overheard by: i bought 2 of those.

Wednesday One-Liners with a Reservoir Tip

Girl on cell: I don't need anything else. I've got 20 dollars, my phone, and a condom. –11th & 3rd Ave Overheard by: Alex Flamboyant boy on cell: Wait, where are you? What are you doing? Please tell me you'll wear a condom. (pause, then boy's face grows increasingly horrified) Several condoms. –Dining Hall, NYU Street vendor next to hot dog vendor: Get your Obama condoms! They go great with a pretzel! –Times Square Overheard by: not another tourist 15-year-old girl: Damn, nigga, I hope you flushed the condom, cuz they be using turkey basters for other shit now. They be taking the condom from the trash can and suck up the cum and put it in theyselves. I know, cuz I messed with a few niggaz who be telling me and I learn in sex ed! –74 Bus, Staten Island

Wednesday One-Liners for Change

Black lady to family in obama t-shirts: You know how all those irish people have pictures of kennedy hanging up in their living rooms? Now we can do that too! –Whole Foods, Columbus Circle Overheard by: Definitely has a JFK picture in her apartment Guy selling obama-themed condoms: Remember the election with every erection! –Times Square Overheard by: Mary Button Black woman with a child in her stroller braiding her hair: There's gona be a lot of braidin in the white house. –1 Train Overheard by: Subway surfer Woman on cell phone: Girl, if I can get to the front of the line at the vma's I can get to the front of the line at the damn inauguration. Shiiiit it's barack obama, girl! –manhattan dental waiting room Overheard by: Catherine Stoned kid to a group of his friends discussing politics: You know what's scary bro? If obama gets assassinated, george bush is gonna be president again. –1 Train @ 2AM going Downtown Black man handing out metro: "get your obama metro! Get your obama metro! See, anyone can be president… I'm next!" –59th Street, Lexington Ave Overheard by: Yes we can!

I Think That's Called Dishonorable Discharge

Ditzy bonde: So, like, you remember those two guys from the bar last night?
Sensible black chick: Yeah.
Ditzy bonde: I fucked 'em both! One after the other. Bam! Bam!
Sensible black chick: Jesus, Diane*! They wore condoms, riiight?
Ditzy bonde thoughtfully: Well, they were still dribbling out of me this morning… So no! –Union Square Station Overheard by: Bart Simpson's shudder