Archive for the ‘Conductors’ Category

Wednesday Hearts One-Liners

White trash woman to angry boyfriend: Stop! I'm in my car and I love myself! I love myself! Fuck you if you don't love yourself! Tyra says to love yourself, and I love myself! –49th & 11th Conductor: Passengers, as you all know the New Haven line is known as the Love Line, because of our red colors and red schedules. For Valentine's Day why not buy a loved one a ticket? Nothing says "I love you" like a Metro North ticket! Imagine the look on your mother-in-law's face when she opens up her present to find a one way trip to Manhattan! –Metro North Train Sorority girl: And this is a list of all the girls who love Jell-o. –St. John's University Overheard by: Peter G Guy on Bluetooth: What did I say? I said I love you and you didn't fucking say anything back. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that? –Jackson Heights Excited black guy to friend: Damn! I think I'm in love, she's like the whole package! She's pretty, she's fuckable, and she can cook! –A Train Overheard by: Tim Little boy leaving the church: Bye, Jesus! I love you! –Riverside Church Overheard by: Stephanie

Wednesday One-Liners Crank the Woofers

Suit: So what you really need to do is put together a social networking site for dogs. –Barfly, 20th & 3rd Overheard by: Matthew K. Johnson Woman: I swear, my parents are only coming to visit so they can see my dog. Honest! –Searchlight, 11th & University Overheard by: MissPinkKate Conductor: Will the man with the small dog in the plastic bag please leave the train. That is not a safe way to be transporting a dog. Thank you. –Bay Head Train Guy riding past on a bike, yelling into his cell: Baby! If the dog is talking, that means one of two things… –24th Ave, Astoria Overheard by: sara n. Woman on cell: But it's not just any day of the year! It's Yom Kippur! (listens) Fuck you, Dave! Fuck you, and fuck your dog! –Prince St Overheard by: elle Woman in elevator on cell (coming from attorney's office): You won't believe what he did! First he staged photos of me in bed with a dog. Then I turn the page and it's me in bed with my next door neighbor! –Vesey St

Do They Make a Glade Plug-In for Wednesday One-Liners?

Little girl, running along platform: Mommy! Mommy! Slow down! Mommy, it smells like penis in here! –Grand Central Girl to another: Do you have a hand wipe? I totally smell like rape right now. –44th St & Broadway Guy to friend: She said I smelled like shit and I said, "what like, asshole?" –59th St & Lexington Girl on phone: Your hands smell like what? Your hands smell like urine? Why would you say that? –Brooklyn College Hobo on overcrowded train: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Homeless Ed, and I am homeless, and I smell like shit. If any of you can spare some change so I can buy some deodorant, it would be greatly appreciated. –Downtown A Train Overheard by: christopher james Female grad student on cell: Have you ever done the inter-borough walk of shame smelling like penis? –Columbia University Overheard by: Ladle Conductor: This is East Broadway station, and something smells yummy. –F Train

Don't Hate the Wednesday One-Liner, Hate the Game

(a pigeon flies up to a rambling bike messenger)
Bike messenger: Hey, bird. Whadda ya say? How you doing? You play baseball? What position? First base? Third? Catcher? –47th & Madison Ditzy teen on cell: Why can't they, like, have two footballs instead so both teams could score? –Doctor's Office, Brooklyn Overheard by: Robert Gleyberman Professor: Did I tell you guys I'm getting into professional wrestling? –Fordham University, Lincoln Center Overheard by: Didn't want the details Guy to another, screaming at the top of his lungs: It's fucking field hockey! It's a girl's sport! Why are you even on the team?! You make me sick! –Columbia University Overheard by: Scott Jurkowski Train conductor, announcing stop: Willets point, Shea Stadium…home of that *other* team. –Willets Point, Queens Overheard by: Random Asian Chick

A Sorry Sack Of Wednesday One-Liners

Guy to friend: I'm sorry. When I see tight shorts I don't think 80s hair metal. –23rd St Conductor: This station is Murray Hill. If you look outside your window and don't see a platform, then you can't get off. Sorry. Please walk towards the front of the train. –LIRR Overheard by: PW rider NJ transit conductor: Folks, this is the 5:50 Midtown direct. We are leaving two minutes late because some of your fellow commuters would not board the train. Some people don't understand you can walk on the train. Sorry for that. –NJ Transit, Penn Station Overheard by: Katherine Extremely Brooklynese conductor: Okay, we're being held up by another f and…uh…another d. Oh, jeez! Sorry, people, it's not my fault, blame the fuckin' dispatcher! (to person in the conducting booth) What? –F Train Overheard by: Jasper johnson Conductor on loudspeaker: Now arriving at Penn Station. Please exit the train promptly. And to those sitting in the first two cars, sorry about the lack of lights and air conditioner. (loudspeaker turns off, after a pause back on). Actually, we're sorry about everything. –NJ Transit, Penn Station Overheard by: brutal commuter

Dude, He’d Totally Rip You Open

Announcement: Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay. We should be moving momentarily…Please be patient.
Guy #1: They always fucking say that! We should be compensated for our time.
Guy #2: Yeah. They should have a coin dispenser that gives back quarters.
Guy #1: Fuck that. That robot voice should give us robot sex. –6 train Overheard by: Toneloca

Home Is Where You Hang Your Wednesday One-Liners

Saleswoman to customer on busy day: Some days you really should just stay at home. You’re cranky. –Macy’s, Herald Square Loud black lady on cell: Mothafuckah, I ain’t no one-night stand. If you think you can fuckin’ call me at 10:30 to 11:00 at night and fuckin’ pull me out of my home with my kids, then you must think I’m some other… [whispers] bitch. –Mail room, Financial District Woman on cell: Good, that way she won’t be able to beat on anyone else’s house guests! Let her sit at home and beat on her own house guests! –M14 bus Overheard by: Eyeteeth Conductor: Jessica! Jessica! Girl, you on this train. Jessica Elizabeth! I’m taking you home, girl. –6 train Overheard by: fridaholic