Conductor #1: Folks, if you’re looking for a seat, walk all the way to the back of the train. The last car is not even half full. Conductor #2: Or half empty. –Metro North train
Archive for the ‘Conductors’ Category
She’s Been Listening to the New Stern Show
Old lady: Please stop!
Conductor: I didn’t see you.
The train pulls away.
Old lady: Fuckhead.
–23rd Street F station
Raise Your Hand If You'd Love to See the Video
Conductor, after fat girl vomits and dances on it: Attention passengers, if you are going to vomit on this train, go to the bathroom. If you can not make it to the bathroom, vomit on yourself. Do not dance in your own vomit, and do not vomit on my train. Thank you.
–Babylon Line, Penn Station
Overheard by: Feta Cheese
Wednesday One-Liners Keep It Rail
Conductor: Ladies in gentlemen, we would be moving, but there's a bitch-ass 5 train ahead hogging all the customers at 59th St.
–4 Express Train
Overheard by: Lexington
Conductor: Once again, there are no 2 or 3 trains from this station, so if you are looking for anything, don't get off the train, coz it's not gonna be there.
–Downtown 4 Train
Overheard by: Donz
Conductor: Okay, raise your hand if you want to leave!
–7 Train
Overheard by: will it help if I put two hands up?
Conductor: Do not get on this train. It is not taking any passengers, not even one. Do not even try, you will get kicked off.
–Fordham Rd, Bronx
Overheard by: The next train isn't for an hour and I'm already late.
Conductor: Attention, passengers… You cannot use chemical solvents on the train.
–NJ Transit
Conductor: The next stop will be Bryant Park, #2nd Street. What a gorgeous day! Why not take advantage of one of New York City's many fine outdoor eateries. Have you heard the one about the monk and the hot dog vendor? Hot dog vendor: "What's it going to be, buddy?" Monk: "Make me one with everything"! This is Bryant Park, 42nd Street. Have an enlightened day!
–F Train
Fair Enough.
Driver being diverted past blockaded street: What's going on here?
Cop diverting traffic: What's going on? It's New York freaking City! That's what's going on! Move along!
–9th Ave & 20th St
Overheard by: Mighty Spatula
…In the Meantine, Bong Hits for Everyone!
Conductor: Due to track work we're skipping the next five stations. Next stop, Tremont Ave.
Guy on subway: What you talking about? Signs say we only skip 155. We should stop at Yankee Stadium next.
Conductor: Uh, anyone know what our next stop is? I guess we'll just go and see where our next stop is.
–D Train
The Little Wednesday One-Liner That Could
Cheerful female conductor: This is the express train. That means it's not not not not not not not the local train. Don't screw up.
–Metro-North Rail
Overheard by: Lynne
Conductor: Behold! This is Woodside! Change here for the former Shea Stadium, now Mets-Willets point. Have a great time!
–LIRR
Conductor: After Syosset, the next stop will be express, directly to Hunters Point Avenue. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars.
–LIRR
Overheard by: morningcommute
Conductor: There is an uptown express train across the tracks. When the doors open, get off if you want to get off. Don't just stand there looking at it.
–Uptown 6 Train
Overheard by: Julie
Conductor, as doors open for passengers: Ladies and gentlemen, we know you've been waiting a long time for a train… (doors close abruptly) Wait for another.
–Q Train
Okay, Now You're Just Bragging.
Old man: I'm picking up a big-legged woman in Stamford.
Conductor: Oh, that's good.
Old man: Yeah, she's 300 pounds.
Conductor: Okay.
Old man: Yes. A very large woman is waiting for me in Stamford.
Conductor: Sounds like you're excited.
Old man: Yeah, and she has a rack, too!
–Metro-North Rail
Overheard by: Reilly
Wednesday How Many Liners?
Cute guy to German flight attendant on layover: So, do you have cars in Germany?
–Barracuda
Overheard by: barkeeper
Girl: So, my mom is Jewish and my dad is Christian. Does that make me, like, bi-racial?
–Eugene Lang College
Overheard by: Still ashamed I go to school here
Hispanic high school girl: Is the Fourth of July always on a Friday?
–N Train
Overheard by: D-Law
Guy to friend: Well, that's nice, they have these machines set up for the visually impaired, but what about the deaf people?
–ATM, 38th St & Madison Ave
Overheard by: jennyooooo
Student: Is Swedish even a language?
–Columbia University
Trucker: What are you, stupid, or both?
–M86 Crosstown Bus
Wednesday One-Liners Wanna See You Sweat!
Guy in courtyard, doing pelvic thrusts: Up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down and…
–NYU Dorm
Girl to friends: Yeah, after he stopped doing yoga it all went downhill…
–East Village
Guy on cell, screaming: I'm a machine! I'm unstoppable! Who goes out till four in the morning and then destroys a triathlon the next day? I'm a machine!
–91st St & York Ave
50-something yoga instructor: Bring attention to your reproductive organs, squeeze them as hard as you can, and release. Let them go, let them hang loose.
–Yoga Studio
Overheard by: Puff
Conductor: I was watching the winter Olympics speed skating and I got to thinking about the summer Olympics. A New Yorker should win the 100 meter dash. All they have to do is put an open train door at the end of the track and start the race with "boop boop." You know that New Yorker is going to win the gold. Ya'll have a good day now.
–A Train
Overheard by: Commuter #1,792,824