Archive for the ‘Conductors’ Category

Wednesday How Many Liners?

Cute guy to German flight attendant on layover: So, do you have cars in Germany? –Barracuda Overheard by: barkeeper Girl: So, my mom is Jewish and my dad is Christian. Does that make me, like, bi-racial? –Eugene Lang College Overheard by: Still ashamed I go to school here Hispanic high school girl: Is the Fourth of July always on a Friday? –N Train Overheard by: D-Law Guy to friend: Well, that's nice, they have these machines set up for the visually impaired, but what about the deaf people? –ATM, 38th St & Madison Ave Overheard by: jennyooooo Student: Is Swedish even a language? –Columbia University Trucker: What are you, stupid, or both? –M86 Crosstown Bus

Wednesday: Soft As a Baby's One-Liner

Drunk middle aged man, grabbing wife's shoulder: Watch this! Nine months from tonight! Count it, people! She's going to have a motherfucking baby! Nine months! Niiiiiine months! –E 9th St & University Place Overheard by: NYUTSOA2012 Tween to grandmother: There's this girl in my class at school who had a baby around Halloween, and she named it Starlight. It's a baby girl. –F Train Overheard by: office peon Hysterical teen: If I had nine months left to live I would have his baby! –Gee Whiz, Tribeca Train conductor: Stand clear of the closing doors! Especially if you got a baby and a baby carriage! –Uptown 2 Train Attractive brunette: There were dead babies in the tree. Like Christmas ornaments. –96th & Broadway

Wednesday One-Liners, Literally

Man on cell, authoritatively: Ejaculate! –14th b/w 3rd & 4th Mother to curious little girl reaching out to touch Wall Street bull's testicles: No! (yanks her away) –Bowling Green Woman shouting across a grassy field: Slutbots! –McCarren Park, Brooklyn (intercom beeps 10 times)
Train conductor, over intercom: Shit.
(intercom continues to beep) –Hudson Line Train Man on bike speeding along Brooklyn Bridge walkway: Pussyhoooollleeeeee! –Brooklyn Bridge Quiet, older gentleman sipping coffee, leafing through newspaper: Motherfuckers! –Barnes & Noble Coffee Bar, Broadway Overheard by: Suze V

Drunk, Or Still Emerging from the Anesthesia?

Conductor: May I see your ticket, please?
Drunk tranny: I already showed my ticket.
Conductor: Yes, but you haven’t showed it to me.
Drunk tranny: What the fuck? I already showed my damn ticket.
Conductor: OK, calm down. Just show me your ticket, please… I’ll come back for it to give you a minute to find it.
Drunk tranny: You are probably a leather queen. I pay $16,000 for a cunt and this is the disrespect I get. I am fucking changing cars. –Long Beach bound LIRR

The Liquid Assets Of Wednesday One-Liners

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay. There is a problem with a signal and there are trains in front of us. The good news is, there's a bar car! –Metro North Overheard by: Anna Obese lady buying pork chops to obese friend: I be cutting down on on soda. –Troy Ave & Park Place Exasperated woman: And he was drinking Jack Daniels before he even got to my place… –3rd & 6th Overheard by: j Female suit on cell: Well, what do you expect? It was green Gatorade and grain alcohol! –Broadway & 54th St Overheard by: Loren Bag lady to another: Listen, Alice, if you don't want to lose your leg, you gotta drink water, they'll take your legs otherwise. –42nd St & 3rd Ave Overheard by: Robin Frantic woman on cell: Oh my god! There is no soy milk anywhere in this city! (sprints out of Starbucks) –Starbucks, Times Square Overheard by: ellie Tough guy outside bar with friends: So I like apple juice. What the fuck? –East Village

Wednesday One-Liners Are in a Transitional Phase

Conductor (after a few minutes waiting at signal): One of those trains better hurry it up and move it, I have better things to do. –N Train Conductor: Across the platform is an express 3 train. The doors are open, you can make it. Go for it! Go! Catch that train! (after a few stops) There is an express 2 train across the platform. You will make it. You will not miss it. You will make it. –1 Train Overheard by: motivated Cheerful conductor: Welcome to the station formerly known as Prince! –R Train Conductor: We are now arriving at Grand Central. This is our final stop. We're six minutes early, so now you can't say anything bad about us. –Metro North Train Overheard by: Angela Conductor: That is a 1 train and all trains are running express. Another local won't run til 5 am Monday. You can wait but we don't serve dinner or breakfast, and I'm all out of sleeping bags. –1 Train Overheard by: Steve Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, the train's emergency brakes have been activated for some reason. The train operator is going to walk around the train and check if there's a…body, or something, under the train. After that, we'll be able to move! –C Train Overheard by: Patient Passenger Train conductor: Last call for the 10:00 local…last call! Get on the train cause away we go, and it's 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…blastoff! –Metro North Overheard by: to mount kisco, and BEYOND!

Wednesday One-Liners Have Been So Secularized

Conductor: Attention, ladies and gentlemen, 59th Street is next, 59th Street. Everyone have a pleasant day. And a friendly reminder: only 10 shopping days left until Christmas! Be festive, but don’t spend your money all at once! Ho, ho, ho! Always remember the three gift-giving rules of Christmas. They’re as easy as A, B, C. A: Make a list of everyone you want to buy a gift for. B: Ask them what they want for Christmas. C: Tell them, ‘Give me the money and I’ll buy it for you!’ 59th Street. –A train Overheard by: d, cover your groin Woman selling adult books entitled Extra-Marital Affair: Get your books here! Make great Christmas presents for your loved ones! –Penn Station, 34th St entrance Overheard by: Bewildered Chick dog-walker on cell: I am not doing A Christmas Carol at the Mississippi Shakespeare Festival! –Payson Ave & Beak St Conductor: Listen up, people! I can’t stress this enough: you only have two hands. If a third one is in your pocket, make some noise! I’m sure other passengers will help you out. You don’t want anyone having a merry Christmas on your hard work. [Long pause, then singing] Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way! [Another pause] There are only six shopping days left. Ho, ho, ho! –A train Overheard by: he brightened my day Tourist watching erection of Rockefeller Christmas tree: What’s the big tree for? –Rockefeller Plaza Overheard by: B.W. McAdams