Archive for the ‘Conductors’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners, Literally

Man on cell, authoritatively: Ejaculate! –14th b/w 3rd & 4th Mother to curious little girl reaching out to touch Wall Street bull's testicles: No! (yanks her away) –Bowling Green Woman shouting across a grassy field: Slutbots! –McCarren Park, Brooklyn (intercom beeps 10 times)
Train conductor, over intercom: Shit.
(intercom continues to beep) –Hudson Line Train Man on bike speeding along Brooklyn Bridge walkway: Pussyhoooollleeeeee! –Brooklyn Bridge Quiet, older gentleman sipping coffee, leafing through newspaper: Motherfuckers! –Barnes & Noble Coffee Bar, Broadway Overheard by: Suze V

Drunk, Or Still Emerging from the Anesthesia?

Conductor: May I see your ticket, please?
Drunk tranny: I already showed my ticket.
Conductor: Yes, but you haven’t showed it to me.
Drunk tranny: What the fuck? I already showed my damn ticket.
Conductor: OK, calm down. Just show me your ticket, please… I’ll come back for it to give you a minute to find it.
Drunk tranny: You are probably a leather queen. I pay $16,000 for a cunt and this is the disrespect I get. I am fucking changing cars. –Long Beach bound LIRR

The Liquid Assets Of Wednesday One-Liners

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay. There is a problem with a signal and there are trains in front of us. The good news is, there's a bar car! –Metro North Overheard by: Anna Obese lady buying pork chops to obese friend: I be cutting down on on soda. –Troy Ave & Park Place Exasperated woman: And he was drinking Jack Daniels before he even got to my place… –3rd & 6th Overheard by: j Female suit on cell: Well, what do you expect? It was green Gatorade and grain alcohol! –Broadway & 54th St Overheard by: Loren Bag lady to another: Listen, Alice, if you don't want to lose your leg, you gotta drink water, they'll take your legs otherwise. –42nd St & 3rd Ave Overheard by: Robin Frantic woman on cell: Oh my god! There is no soy milk anywhere in this city! (sprints out of Starbucks) –Starbucks, Times Square Overheard by: ellie Tough guy outside bar with friends: So I like apple juice. What the fuck? –East Village

Wednesday One-Liners Are in a Transitional Phase

Conductor (after a few minutes waiting at signal): One of those trains better hurry it up and move it, I have better things to do. –N Train Conductor: Across the platform is an express 3 train. The doors are open, you can make it. Go for it! Go! Catch that train! (after a few stops) There is an express 2 train across the platform. You will make it. You will not miss it. You will make it. –1 Train Overheard by: motivated Cheerful conductor: Welcome to the station formerly known as Prince! –R Train Conductor: We are now arriving at Grand Central. This is our final stop. We're six minutes early, so now you can't say anything bad about us. –Metro North Train Overheard by: Angela Conductor: That is a 1 train and all trains are running express. Another local won't run til 5 am Monday. You can wait but we don't serve dinner or breakfast, and I'm all out of sleeping bags. –1 Train Overheard by: Steve Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, the train's emergency brakes have been activated for some reason. The train operator is going to walk around the train and check if there's a…body, or something, under the train. After that, we'll be able to move! –C Train Overheard by: Patient Passenger Train conductor: Last call for the 10:00 local…last call! Get on the train cause away we go, and it's 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…blastoff! –Metro North Overheard by: to mount kisco, and BEYOND!

Wednesday One-Liners Have Been So Secularized

Conductor: Attention, ladies and gentlemen, 59th Street is next, 59th Street. Everyone have a pleasant day. And a friendly reminder: only 10 shopping days left until Christmas! Be festive, but don’t spend your money all at once! Ho, ho, ho! Always remember the three gift-giving rules of Christmas. They’re as easy as A, B, C. A: Make a list of everyone you want to buy a gift for. B: Ask them what they want for Christmas. C: Tell them, ‘Give me the money and I’ll buy it for you!’ 59th Street. –A train Overheard by: d, cover your groin Woman selling adult books entitled Extra-Marital Affair: Get your books here! Make great Christmas presents for your loved ones! –Penn Station, 34th St entrance Overheard by: Bewildered Chick dog-walker on cell: I am not doing A Christmas Carol at the Mississippi Shakespeare Festival! –Payson Ave & Beak St Conductor: Listen up, people! I can’t stress this enough: you only have two hands. If a third one is in your pocket, make some noise! I’m sure other passengers will help you out. You don’t want anyone having a merry Christmas on your hard work. [Long pause, then singing] Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way! [Another pause] There are only six shopping days left. Ho, ho, ho! –A train Overheard by: he brightened my day Tourist watching erection of Rockefeller Christmas tree: What’s the big tree for? –Rockefeller Plaza Overheard by: B.W. McAdams

Grand Slam Wednesday One-Liners

Man selling CDs: If you like the Mets, you will love my album! –8th & Broadway Overheard by: nicole Mets fan: I don’t care if I have one lung, or only have half a pancreas, or if I lose a leg falling in front of the train. As long as the Mets win, I’m good to go. –7 train Asshole, pointing to guy with Red Sox bumper sticker on his wheelchair: He’s a Boston fan; let’s kick his ass! Oh wait, looks like God beat us to it. –126th & St Nick Conductor, on PA: That Johnny Damon. He sure looks like Jesus. But he sure throws like my little sister. –Amtrak train out of Penn Station Overheard by: Lisita MTA worker: All people for the Mets game, go to your right. All people for the US Open, if any, go to your left. –Willets Point-Shea Stadium subway station Overheard by: Emily Thugette: Yo, when I make it in show business, I will not speak to Ben Affleck. When I found out he’s a Red Sox fan, I decided then and there. –Q65 bus Overheard by: A White Bear Conductor: 161st Street, Yankee Stadium. Let Big Papi know who the real MVP is. –D train Overheard by: Lindsay J.

Oh! The Fucking Places You’ll Go!

Conductor: Everything’s running normal this weekend.
Black woman: Everything runnin’ normal this weekend? Shit, I could take this train to fuckin’… fuckin’ anywhere! –Q train Overheard by: office peon Headline by: Marc Runners-Up: · “Alice in Wonderland, New York Style” – Anastasia Poushkareva · “Around the Hood in Eighty Days” – ad neal · “I Meant My Colon” – I Got Real Mail · “Just a fuckin’ small town girl, livin’ in a fuckin’ lonely world…” – karaoke queen · “Transfers available to up your ass and go fuck yourself.” – mark manne · “Why Reading Rainbow and drugs don’t mix” – mike
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