Conductor #1: Folks, if you’re looking for a seat, walk all the way to the back of the train. The last car is not even half full. Conductor #2: Or half empty. –Metro North train
Large black woman to another: So I said to him, "Muthafucka, don't you know a baby comes out of that shit? Ain't nothing you got down there gonna hurt me!"
Old man with thick Russian accent: It is fresher than a baby's bottom!
–Ave M & E 16th, Brooklyn
Ghetto black guy on phone: Nah, I was locked up, but I'm out now, and she's tryin' to say it's my baby, but that shit ain't mine.
–Downtown 2 Train
Man on cell, passing adorable child playing with dog: I love fucking babies!
–10th & 53rd
Puerto Rican girl to pregnant friend: You feel like you have to poop, but that's just the baby.
–36th St & 34th Ave, Astoria
Overheard by: Bryan Bruner
Conductor: Ma'am, please step off the ramp platform and wait until it is safe. (pause) Miss, you're having a frickin' baby, get off the ramp! (she does) Thank you.
–Metro-North Rail Tracks
Overheard by: Theonlyonewhoseemedtonotice
Teenage mother to friends, running to catch subway: Last one gets the baby!
Overheard by: Francisco S. Ramírez
Conductor, after fat girl vomits and dances on it: Attention passengers, if you are going to vomit on this train, go to the bathroom. If you can not make it to the bathroom, vomit on yourself. Do not dance in your own vomit, and do not vomit on my train. Thank you.
–Babylon Line, Penn Station
Overheard by: Feta Cheese
Little girl on dad’s shoulders: Hmmm. Beer. I’m not really a fan of that anymore.
Overheard by: eric p
Guy on cell: Dude, I’m sayin’, it’s like every single time we have sex she is drunk! Sooo drunk… [Sighs.]
20-something chick on cell: Well, they do say alcohol solves problems…
–Houston & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Chris
NJ transit conductor: We are now approaching New York Penn Station. If you are traveling with any small children, the elderly, or drunk people, please escort them off of the train — maybe by the hand — because there is a wide gap between the train and the platform.
Mom to wobbling little girl: Are you a drunken sailor? Drunken sailor, yay!
–Liberty St & South End Ave
Overheard by: julia
British girl to two friends: … And I knew he was drunk that night because he fell over.
–R train from Brooklyn
Overheard by: Mark
(a pigeon flies up to a rambling bike messenger)
Bike messenger: Hey, bird. Whadda ya say? How you doing? You play baseball? What position? First base? Third? Catcher?
–47th & Madison
Ditzy teen on cell: Why can't they, like, have two footballs instead so both teams could score?
–Doctor's Office, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Robert Gleyberman
Professor: Did I tell you guys I'm getting into professional wrestling?
–Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Didn't want the details
Guy to another, screaming at the top of his lungs: It's fucking field hockey! It's a girl's sport! Why are you even on the team?! You make me sick!
Overheard by: Scott Jurkowski
Train conductor, announcing stop: Willets point, Shea Stadium…home of that *other* team.
–Willets Point, Queens
Overheard by: Random Asian Chick
Van driver to taxi driver who just cut him off: Are you a Muslim, sir?
Taxi driver: Yes sir, I am a Muslim.
Van driver: Allah will kill you!
Taxi driver: No, he will kill you!
Overheard by: Erica
Subway conductor: It ain’t so bad. Better than going to the gas station. –very crowded L train Overheard by: Philip
Guy to friend: Oowee! Some weed and a perm! That's my perfect New York day.
Overheard by: Joe
Conductor: Step in, stand clear…let's go New York!
Overheard by: Ashley Nelson
Intoxicated creepster: Are we in Manhattan? What the hell! This city is so full of New Yorkers!
–St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: Lizzzzz
Bitter man on subway: I think one summer here would cure them of any love they have for this town.
Passerby to surprised-looking wife, watching fight: They're fighting. It's New York, that's what people do in this city.
Overheard by: ascorbique & almost famous
Grinning paramedic to female tourist in shock, strapping her to backboard after she was struck by a car: Welcome to New York!
–34th St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Mateo que Feo
Conductor #1: This is 34th Street. Transfer is available to the B, Q, D…B…Q…Penn Station…D–
Conductor #2: Move over. D, Q, N, R. Stand clear. –F train Overheard by: Cole Couture Hipster: Did the train just pass 28th street?
Woman: Yes, it went express, but you could get off at 14th and switch to the uptown train.
Homeboy: Or you could take your chances, break the window with a crowbar and jump out now. –1 train Overheard by: Hayley Man: This won’t do. All bad smelling people get the hell off the train. At the next stop most of the car clears out. Man: That’s what I’m talking about. –A train A Black kid and his Hispanic girlfriend are arguing on the train. The kid is holding her in the seat and she is trying to rip off his shirt. The entire car is watching, as if it were a car wreck. Hispanic girl: You’re always showing off!
Black kid: What?
Hispanic girl: Get off me!
Black kid: Stop it!
Hispanic girl: Get off me!
Black passenger guy: Man, why’s it always gotta be our people pulling this shit? You never see White people pulling this shit. You never see Chinese people pulling this shit. Man! –C train Two women were sitting next to each other, one clearly from New York, the other not. The tourist woman gestured with her chin at the conductor’s booth and asked: Is that the bathroom? –A train
Train conductor: If anyone sees a blue and yellow backpack, please give it to the train conductor. Jason has a test and he needs to study.
Overheard by: heather
Random guy walking into the ferry station: I figured if I took the test high, I'd get high scores.
–Staten Island Ferry Station
Overheard by: mindy
Professor: These pop quizzes are like making love: you don't get any points for speed, you get them for accuracy.
–Psych Class, Hunter College
Overheard by: I completely agree
Undergrad: I don't even want to look at my art history midterm yet, but if I don't know how I did, I'll go crazy! It's like a Catch-66! Anyway, I'm going to head back to my dorm and put on some pants.
–Butler Library, Columbia University