Archive for the ‘Conductors’ Category

We Blame the Non-Honors Chemistry

Conductor: Stand clear of the closing doors. Do not hold the doors.
Crackhead holding doors: Suck my dick. I'm in the mob. I'm mobbed the fuck up.
Conductor: For those who continue to hold the doors, if I see you, police will be called. It's rush hour, people need to get where they're going.
Crackhead holding doors: Shut the fuck up. I went to Cornell, motherfucker. Suck my dick.

–Uptown 2 Train

Overheard by: ED

Wednesday One-Liners Are What She Said

Conductor: Please stop holding my doors open in the back! (pause, no change) Stop pushing open my doors in the back! (pause, no change) Hey, I don't want no more people squeezing through my openings in the back, okay?

–Q Train

Overexcited tourist dad to little girls: Alright, Jade*, blow the bubbles towards Leah*. Yes, towards her, like facing each other, so I can take a picture… When I tell you, okay? Perfect. Okay, now blow each other.

–Liberty Park

Suit: Well, it's not very large by adult standards, but it's big for what it is.

–Queens

Male office worker: My drawers are getting tight already.

–Broadway

Old woman: Would you like to give a donation to help feed our pussies?

–PETCO, Union Square

Overheard by: Lex

Wednesday One-Liners Make All Stops

Conductor: Welcome to another day on the N train, ladies and gentlemen. If you will look out the window to your right you will see absolutely nothing!

–N train

Conductor on speaker: Kings Highway?! Why’s it gotta be Kings Highway?

–B train, Kings Highway station

Overheard by: I feel his pain

Lady conductor: Attention, ladies and gentlemen, blah blah blah, blah blah blah. If you need to get to 28th Street, 23rd Street, or 18th Street, well, you’re screwed.

–1 train, 34th St

Overheard by: Nettle

Conductor: There’s another train right behind us. There really is. I can see the lights. It could be a bus, but we are in a tunnel underground with tracks running through it, so I’m sure there is another F train behind us.

–F train

Overheard by: I can see the light too

Conductor: Please take small children as you exit the train… Oh… I mean, please take small children by the hand as you leave the train.

–NJ Transit, Penn Station

Cheerful conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, there is no downtown 2 train, but luckily we’re going uptown, so it doesn’t matter.

–2 train

Overheard by: andy kleiman

Conductor: We’re not the NYPD or the FDNY, New York’s finest and bravest. Above or below ground, we’re the MTA, and we move New York. Ya heard?!

–A train, between 125th & 59th St

Parts Of Wednesday One-Liners Are Really Quite Nice

Irate professional woman on cell: I raced down to Penn Station to buy a ticket to New Jersey, and now you tell me you're going to Hooters?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Erin and Willa

Blonde hipster: I knew I needed to get out of there when I heard her saying, "we should go to that bar next because it's near the PATH!"

–Rivington & Essex

Train conductor: The next stop is Park Place. Transfer is available to the a, c, e and PATH to Newwwwwwwwwww Jersey. I also have wonderful news that I am dying to tell you today. All 2 and 3 trains are making local stops this weekend. There are no express trains because of service changes.

–2 Train

Girl, interrupting singing couple: Guys, we need to class it up, we are not in Jersey anymore!

–5th Ave & 86th

Overheard by: GerMan in NY

Four-year-old boy: I don't wanna go to New Jersey!

–New Jersey Transit Terminal, Penn Station

Hipster: But you were in New Jersey when you got pregnant, it's okay.

–1st & St. Mark's

We Only Regret Having to Reach Our Destination

Woman #1: What the fuck are you pushing me for? You think you own this damn train, get the fuck off of me!
Man: Miss, I was just…
Woman #1: Just fucking what? I don’t need to be feeling your ass up against my hands, nigga!
Woman #2: Honey, just…
Woman #1: Bitch, you just shut up! All you motherfuckers, stop looking this way, this doesn’t involve y’all!
Conductor over PA: Good afternoon, I hope everyone is having an enjoyable ride home…

–Downtown 4 train, pm rush hour

Overheard by: Vinnie

Wednesday One-Liners on the Disoriented Express

Conductor at Van Wyck: This is… not Jamaica. [Quietly] Where the hell is he going?

–Manhattan-bound E train

Overheard by: Julie

Conductor: This is 71st, Continental Avenue. Transfer here for the E. This is the E Train to 180… This is the E Train to 170… This is the F… This is the… Oh, whatever. Just stand clear of the fucking doors.

–Most definitely the F train

Overheard by: Megan Cowles

Conductor: This is an express F Train to Stillwell Avenue. What does that mean? I don’t know. What are the express stops?

–Brooklyn-bound F train

Overheard by: Pam

Conductor: This is a Manhattan-bound One Train. Next stop, 42nd Street. I mean, 34th Street… Shit… Next stop, 14th Street, Union Square!

–L train, Morgan Ave

Overheard by: erin b

Conductor: Captain, we’ve lost power — we have no lights. If you would like to look at people or read, please move. If you do not wish to look at anyone or let anyone look at you, just stay put. This is the train to Babylon. I do not know what the next stop is.

–LIRR

Overheard by: scared passenger

Conductor: The Queens-bound N Train will be arriving on the platform downstairs. [It pulls into the station across from the platform.] I take that back.

–7 train, Queensboro Plaza

Overheard by: Melissa Berry

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, there is a downtown… [long pause]… Whatever. Stand clear of the edge.

–6 platform, Union Square

Overheard by: Johnny

Wednesday One-Liners Burp the Worm

Teen girl: If you want to lose weight, watch a lot of porn. I'm serious, if you watch porn, you won't have to eat for hours. Oh, and masturbating burns a lot of calories, too.

–Brooklyn

Very upset drunk hobo, after conductor announces last stop: Your kickin' all these people out to wait for the next train, just so you can jerk off?

–Bowling Green Station

Street dancer: Everyone on earth was born as a result of an orgasm. Everyone masturbates. And if they say they don't, they're lying. Even the Pope masturbates!

–Union Square

Irish dude, throwing tea to the ground: It's not right, man! Asshole masturbated in my tea!

–Outside Starbucks

Teen thug: I wanna pleasure myself while writing an essay, what's the problem with that?

–Q Train

Overheard by: Robert G.