Female Police Officer: So he calls me at 1:59 and tells me, ‘I’m out with the guys and I won’t be able to be home by 2.’ So I say to him, ‘Just don’t come home at 6 am!’ and he says okay and then he comes home at 5:59!
Male Police Officer: Why do you put up with this?
Female Police Officer: Because once you go Puerto Rican, you never go a-seekin’!
–Precinct 90, Williamsburg
Archive for the ‘Cops’ Category
Yes, Shrapnel is Hi-larious
Cop #1: That was a fun job. That was exciting.
Cop #2: Oh, come on.
Cop #1: When he said, “I’ll go in, you stay here”, I really thought we had a bomb there.
–Bay Parkway Subway Station
God Bless the ACLU
Cop: Come on, you’re coming with me.
Educated youth: Naw, man! I got my third right amendment! My third right amendment!
["No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law."]
–42nd & 7th
What could he be talking about?
Policeman: “…of course I would accept the money! Do I look like I’m rich?” - Bedford L subway station
About Last Night
Traffic warden: You can park anywhere. I see people putting money in meters and they don’t have to. It’s free today. Tomorrow, New Year’s Day, too.
Guy: Then why are you working today?
Traffic warden: Don’t know. They pay me to.
–UWS
Pepperoni Dreams
Three policemen are talking to a man inside Two Boots Pizza behind the security gate and locked front door, 9 am Sunday morning.
Cop: How did you get in here?
Man: I woke up here in the middle of the night!
Cop: Do you work here?
Man: No!
–Avenue A
Kids Say the Stupidest Things
Two boys were playing on a fire escape. Boy #1: Okay. Now I’ll be the policeman, and you be the fireworks on Coney Island. –Windsor Terrace
Activism 101
Protestor: I really want to get arrested. What do you think I should do? –After a protest outside Stuyvesant Church, East Village
What A Charming Young Gentleman
Urban Youth: Fuck you, you fat fucking fucks! Motherfucking cops. Suck a fucking dick! All society. They show no respect, then they get mad when we don’t show any. Say we’re mad animals. Try to shut the door on purpose when they see me coming. Suck mad cocks! –D Train
Where There's Smoke, There's Wednesday One-Liner
Guy at ATM to friend: The $60 fast cash button should just be labeled "8th of weed."
–Chase Bank, Astor Place
Probation officer to juvenile: You think you can't get arrested for marijuana? Are you out of your damn mind? You're taking a drug test right now, you out-of-your-damn-mind son!
–Bronx Family Court
Overheard by: Adog
Guy to girlfriend: The more stoned I get, the better you sound.
–72nd St & Broadway
Guy: So then I smoked a goodnight bowl at Chris's.
–E 10th St
Overheard by: What about a good morning bowl?
20-something to friend: I'll save the world second, but I'll get high first.
–Houston & Essex