Archive for the ‘Cops’ Category

…But I Have This Machete Just in Case.

(cop has police tape pulled across intersection to prevent pedestrians from walking while traffic is moving)
Ten-year-old kid, wearing gray sweatshirt and blue baseball cap: Why are you doing that?
Cop: We got a call about someone wearing a gray sweatshirt and blue baseball cap prowling the streets, so this is to keep you safe. Do you feel safe, kid?
Kid, looking terrified: Yeah? –5th Ave & 47th St

Tour De Wednesday One-Liners

Large female southern tourist: It'd be really funny if we got stuck on the toilet and couldn't get up. It'd be the whole "help! Get me off this toilet!" thing. –Bathroom, Metropolitan Museum of Art Tourist woman to husband: Where's that cop who was here a minute ago? He gave me the wrong directions, and I wanna cuss him out for it! –Penn Station Overheard by: Deeds Tourist: Is this the building where people go all crazy about the numbers? –Outside New York Stock Exchange Overheard by: Kyle 50-something tourist husband to wife, while they share bites of same apple: I don't know why we came to this city… We can't even afford breakfast. –34th & 7th

Saccharine Might Be Better for Her

Woman in leggings: What the fuck is this shit? You gonna hand me three motherfucking sugar packets? Do you have any idea how big this coffee is?
Cashier: We don’t put sugar in your coffee. Sugar packets are on the counter.
Woman in leggings: Listen, my boyfriend’s a cop. And he owns, like, three Dunkin’ Donuts franchises. What do you mean you won’t put sugar in my fuckin’ coffee? I want to speak to the manager.
Manager: Excuse me, but I heard you. There are sugar packets on the counter. Take as many as you like.
Woman in leggings: You guys are total assholes. –Dunkin’ Donuts, 96th & Broadway Overheard by: ProcrastYNate