Archive for the ‘Couples’ Category

You Can Be No Happier Than the Least-Happy Person in the Bed

Sad-looking tiny girlfriend: This was just an awful shift and an awful day.
Meathead boyfriend. trying to cheer her up: Do you want me to sing the sleepy time song?
Sad-looking tiny girlfriend: No. I just want to drink.
Meathead boyfriend: I have Jack at home.
Sad-looking tiny girlfriend: Fuck Jack, I need fucking tequila!
Meathead boyfriend: No! You're mean when you have tequila!
Sad-looking tiny girlfriend: I'm going to be meaner than I am now if I don't get tequila!
Meathead boyfriend: Okay, I'll get a bottle.

–A Train

Here's Genesis to Explain

Boyfriend: I found one of those things in my desk today, you know, like for a stamp.
Girlfriend: An ink pad?
Boyfriend: Yeah.
Girlfriend: Did you touch it?
Boyfriend: Yeah.
Girlfriend: Did you wash it off?
Boyfriend, examining finger: Almost.
Girlfriend: Oh my god, why do you have to touch everything?

–Uptown F Train

Overheard by: Laura

Dude, You'd Steal the One-Liners Off a Wednesday

One-armed cracked-out dude to equally cracked-out girlfriend: And he's lookin' at me like he ain't never seen nobody stealin' before!

–Maria Hernandez Park, Bushwick

Overheard by: matthias

Drunk man to random girl on street: I mean, I stole this girls' shoelaces, and then she got really mad at me…

–2nd Ave & 4th St

Comedy show peddler: Who wants to buy some stolen shit? (pause) Nah, just kidding, who wants to see a comedy show?

–Times Square

Overheard by: Ali

Woman with pink hair to friend: Fuck that bitch, she still stole my clothes when I was in jail.

–6 Train

Overheard by: Renny

Man to woman, about his father: Yeah, he was so great, so smart… A drug addict. He was always there for me. Like, if I needed something, anything, he'd go steal it for me. That's what sticks with you, you know?

–1 Train

Overheard by: RDM

Wednesday One-Liners Bypass the Language Center Of the Brain

Cosmetology teacher: We do not do sterilization in this class. That is what they do in a medical lavatory.

–Cosmetology Class, Astoria

Overheard by: Kelsey

Fat black teen shoving past white couple: I like how they ain't know how a say "excuse me."

–Wilson ave, Bushwick

Xerox repairman on cell: Yo, you sound like John Lecoozigamo! He's a comedian. Le-cooz-I-ga-mo.

–132nd St & Cypress

Overheard by: office drone

Middle-aged mother with thick Staten Island accent on cell: Ronny, where are you?! We are standing outside and we are freezing the children!

–New York City Transit Museum, Brooklyn

Indignant thug to thugette: I told her we wasn't together. How did she know I'm with you? Did you tell her differentwise?

–Q20 Bus

Overheard by: Liza