Archive for the ‘Crazies’ Category

Just Means I Won't Give You This Exploding Apple

Crazy hobo, looking up from intense argument with imaginary friend: Excuse me, sir!
Confused suit: Uh, yeah?
Crazy hobo: What kind of teacher are you?
Confused suit: Teacher?
Crazy hobo: Yes, what subject do you teach?
Confused suit: But, um, I'm not a teacher…
Crazy hobo: Oh. Well, that's alright. Don't think I was criticizing you. I guess it's alright if you're not a teacher. I wasn't insulting you!

–6th & Spring

Overheard by: Heather

Clean Up in Aisle Number 1

Guy: Sir, I have to wee wee!
Manager: Um, OK, our bathroom is–
Guy: I’m going to wee wee in my pants!
Manager: OK, the bathroom is downstairs, I’ll have to go with you.
Guy: I’m going to wee on your floor! –Gristedes, Hudson Street Overheard by: Jessica

Cherry-Poppin’ Wednesday One-Liners

Chick: Oh my god, the last time I knew you I was a virgin!

–No Idea Bar, 20th St, between Broadway & Park

Overheard by: Jas

Old lady: Enter the train… She ain’t no virgin! Get in, get in!

–F train platform

Overheard by: Ritika

Crazy religious guy: The pope is a liar! He says that Mary’s a virgin as of today. That’s a lie! After Jesus was born, Mary and Joseph got married. You’re tellin’ me that they got married, but Joseph wasn’t hittin’ that?

–4 train

Bleached blonde to boyfriend: As far as my father is concerned, he thinks I am still a virgin… No, actually, there was that one summer he thought I was pregnant because I got fat…

–N train to Astoria

God squad lady: I have a two-month-old son, and I’m praying for his virginity.

–L train

Overheard by: Errol Stairpath

The Superfluous Eruditeness Of Wednesday One-Liners

Pompous, insane English professor: Right now I am being plagued by a contagion, but I will return your reports anon.

–Barnard College

Student, to friend who just bashed the side of his head: What the hell? You're hurting my ganglia!

–Columbia University

Overheard by: John David

Black mom to teen daughter walking away from her: No, you get back here and listen to what I'm sayin! You gotta pay attention–niggas be instigatin!

–Nassau & Fulton

Overheard by: Tigertail

First year legal scholar: I feel like our relationship is terminated for perpetuity.

–Grand Central

Overheard by: bunbury

Yuppie on phone: Wait. (pause) Bruhaha, right?

–70th & Broadway

Wednesday One-Liners Go Through a Grey Period

Girl looking at garbage and dirt spilled on the sidewalk: Gross. You think it’s supposed to be art?

–Broadway & Houston

Literature professor: So anything that anybody ever painted was a Guido?

–NYU Silver Center

Plausibly mad septuagenarian clerk: When I was 16 Stravinsky bought my first painting. It was written up in the paper. A couple of days later, I was kidnapped.

–Barnes & Noble, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Seth

Father to four-year-old son: Looking at art makes your legs tired.

–Metropolitan Museum Lobby

Philistine: I don’t like art in which you have to understand the motivation behind it.

–Outside the Guggenheim

Overheard by: Devoted Puppy

Professor-type man to group of teens looking at Greek sculptures: And if the sculpture’s back is up against the wall and you want to see it from behind, just get up against a wall and look at its ass as much as you can… yeah! It’s not dirty or wrong… Just look at its ass!

–Metropolitan Museum of Art