Archive for the ‘Crazies’ Category

Wednesday One-liners Are Koo Koo

Hobo: Was it right to be kicked out of a house for being an adult with a child mind? You don’t get it, lady. There’s a whole house of adults with child minds. Whatever. See ya! Wouldn’t want to be ya! –F train Queer: He totally has to understand that he’s crazy and that those Martha Stewart people are crazy too! –27th street office Crazy lady: Well, I think you should give me my musical instruments back because I know that you’ve been stealing them every day for the last nine years. Yes, I’m sure! I have proof. You see, that’s not music. That’s not rock and roll. That’s just crazy. –Bedford Avenue station Overheard by: Greg Rutter Crazy man: I already told you I don’t have no chicken. Besides, I gave you that tree last week. –54th & 11th Crazy woman: I’ve got demons behind me, shit next to me, and the ugly ones in front of me. I need an angel above me. –World Financial Center Overheard by: Dr. Ballon Crazy bag lady: Stay away from the people! Stay away from the idiot Mexicans! –Union Square Overheard by: Kaitlen Suit: …and I swear to God, man, the whole time? That creepy deaf-mute babysitter from across the hall?…is watching me. –46th & 8th Overheard by: ballpeen hammer Crazy lady: I don’t believe this. Pussyass son of a fucking faggot! –Lexington & 23rd Hobo: Would someone please tell Courtney Love to get her goddamned dick out of my mouth? Thank you! Would someone please tell Courtney Love to get her goddamned dick out of my mouth? Thank you! Would someone please tell Courtney Love to get her goddamned dick out of my mouth? Thank you! –19th between 7th & 8th

Crossing Delancey (A NYC Short Story)

I had just missed the train and was waiting on the bench at the end of the platform when a ragged looking crazy man starts pacing around in front of me. He says to himself: …and when I don’t take my medication, I get a little crazy, but I don’t like to take it because it makes me feel different…New Yorkers are all rude. In New Jersey they’ll say “Hi” back to you and ask how you are doing. New Yorkers are all rude or scared. Crazy man sits a seat down from me. I am a typical computer tech: glasses, chunky, and neat. I am looking straight at the tracks, ignoring him. Crazy man: This city’s full of queers and niggers and geeks, yeah geeks. He looks at me and says: They’re all rude or scared. Scared that you’ll beat them. Beat on them. You know what I mean? I don’t answer and am looking away from him. Crazy man: See! See! Rude…scared. He opens a NY Post. Crazy man: Look at all these murders. All these people dying. Ever think they deserved to die, though? I get up and walk all the way to the other end of the platform. The F train comes and I get on and sit down. I hear a voice next to me: Ever get the feeling you’re being followed? –Delancey Street station Overheard by: Matt

Maybe She's Born with It? Maybe It's Wednesday One-Liner.

Guy preaching on subway: I noticed I would always get hit on by beautiful women when I was with a woman, so I started hanging out with lesbians, and now we pick up women together. –1 Train Overheard by: Alexis Panhandler going through train: God bless you, will anyone spare some money? God bless you, damm! You have a pretty white girlfriend. –6 Train Overheard by: Jackie Woman giving out free loot: You girls are so pretty, want some condoms? –Grand Central Station Hobo: Why do rich men get to marry all the pretty girls, kill them, and get away with it? –125th St Trashed girl, coming out of bathroom: I hate when guys say, "you're pretty enough." –Bar 9, 54th & 9th Overheard by: Ladle Big slobby schlub, loudly talking to buddy: So, she was about to become another disposable pretty girl. –W 66th St Overheard by: Susan Volchok Rambling crazy man: All of you women look beautiful, but in the end, y'all still have to take a shit! –L Train Overheard by: The City Planner

Patsy Cline Sings Wednesday One-liners

Hobo: July 31st! July 31st is the deadline, everyone! You must write your letters of apology to Bush or he’ll drop another bomb in the ocean and you can say “Good-bye” to Sri Lanka! –17th & 8th Overheard by: Edwin Lam Crazy guy: Son of a bitch! Why is it so hard to find true love? Don’t look at me like that. You want quiet? Go to the library. You think I want your money? I don’t need your money! Look at all these dollar bills on my pants! If I want money, I just peel one off. –6 train Crazy guy: Fuck you and your stupid leg. You fucking cunt! Cunt! Cunt! –L train Overheard by: Jonathan Farbowitz Drunk old Black guy: …people, we got these rhythms… rhythms that just don’t connect. I got rhythms, and you girls have got rhythms, but can we dance together? No, no…we can’t. That’s what happened when the Black man came to America, babies. Black and white, we just can’t dance, babies. But you girls should dance with me. –13th & 6th Crazy shirtless guy: Order in the court! Order in the court! Y’all is not guilty. Now get the hell outta here! –Port Authority Hobo: Does anybody on this bus have change for 36 nickels? –M60 bus Overheard by: Oz Skinner

Jonathan Winters is Playing Subway Cars Now?

Young girl: Ummm…sir, would you like some help with those directions?
Crazy dude: Yes! Thank you.
Young girl: So you have to take this train to 42nd…
Crazy dude: What I need to know is, do I have to be in the front of the train, or the back of the train, to get the shuttle?
Young girl: It doesn’t matter. You just ride this train to 42nd and you get off and look for the shuttle. It doesn’t matter which car you’re in.
Crazy dude: You see, I need to get my head fixed, and I need to know which car…
Conducter: Need some help?
Crazy dude: Yes, thank you. I need to get the shuttle at 42nd St. Do I have to be in the front of the train, or the back?
Conducter: In the middle.
Crazy dude: Thank you! –A train

Crossbreeding Humans and Bees: A Cautionary Tale

Woman #1: Ooh, the Macy’s Flower Show is out. We should go see it.
Crazy guy: Psst! Psst! Flowers? I like flowers! Where are they, where can we go see them?
Woman #2: The Macy’s Flower Show is going on right here.
Woman #1: I actually don’t think the Flower Show has started yet.
Crazy guy: Flowers? I like flowers!
Woman #2: It hasn’t started yet but it will be at Macy’s.
Crazy guy: I’ll go in this entrance to see the flowers.
Woman #2: But I don’t think it started yet.
Crazy guy: What entrance are you going in to see the flowers? I like flowers.
Woman 2: I don’t think the Flower Show has started yet.
Crazy guy: Oh. Well I’m gonna go see them cause I like flowers. –33rd & Broadway

The PATH Train at 33rd (A NYC Short Story)

Hobo: Where are you going?
Drunk guy: Bermuda. I’m connecting to the plane. Drunk guy: Is that your cousin?
Hobo: Yeah!
Drunk guy: He didn’t even say nothing to you. That’s fucked up! Hobo: My name is Peter. Peter Parker. I’m Spider-Man’s father. The hobo shows the drunk guy his bottle. The drunk guy takes out a can of beer and a bottle of whiskey Drunk guy: So what? You trying to beat me? You started a competition and I beat you. I came prepared. –PATH train Overheard by: Tony Gabriel

The Bronx Zoo’s Most Controversial Exhibit

Chick: Omigod, look, it’s a moose! It’s like, a moose rampant.
Guy: Where? Dude, that’s a rhino.
Chick: No, the moose is next to it.
Guy: It doesn’t look like a moose. It looks like a buck.
Chick: Well, whether it’s a buck or a moose, there should not be a
rhino in that forest.
Guy: Agreed.
Chick: Oh man, now they’re raving!
Bag lady: Excuse me, you got any change? –125 Street Metro-North station