Archive for the ‘Crazy’ Category

Like a Festering Boil on Brooklyn’s Baby-Smooth Buttock

Crazy guy: There is something wrong with Winthrop Street. Do not get off the train there! You ever notice how they never say ‘Winthrop Street’? They say Franklin, President, Sterling, then it’s Wooothup. Never trust anybody who can’t say clearly what they mean.
Disembodied train voice: This is President Street. The next stop will be Sterling Street.
Crazy guy: You see?! President! Sterling! You do not want to get off this train at Winthrop!

–2 train

Overheard by: Got off at President

The Wednesday One-Liner Monologues

Drunk hipster: Since when did the vagina become the font of all morality?

–110th & Amsterdam

Girl running in pajamas: Oh my god my vagina is so cold!

–50th St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Matt

Girl proclaiming: I saw the vagina.

–NYU

Acting student: You have a vagina and he’s all into that. I have a penis and he’s not all into that. That’s why you have to do this for me.

–Archbold Theater

Overheard by: nice

Crazy black woman: I know my pussy! You don’t know my pussy! Haha! You can’t say you know my pussy, I know my pussy! Haha, hah! If you can’t find my pussy, you can’t say you’re not too big!

–114th & Broadway

Overheard by: Xiao Hoah Dze

Nondescript guy on cell phone: So, were the vaginas ok?

–55th St & 8th

He Does Kinda Look Like an Enemy Combatant

Cop #1: Sir, you need to move along.
Insane hobo: I didn't touch anyone, goddammit! I didn't do nuthin! I don't touch!
Cop #2: Just get the hell outta here.
Cop #1: Please just move along.
Hobo: I didn't do nuthin, goddammit!
Cop #2 to cop #1: Can I pistol whip him?

–Atlantic Avenue Station, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Derek

Wednesday One-Liners Don’t Need No Water, Let the Motherfucker Burn!

Girl on cell: So yeah, I was like, ‘That is a great costume,’ and then it set her hair on fire and I was like, ‘That’s gross.’

–CVS, 42nd & 3rd

Crazy hobo: That’s right! Arrest me! I’ll burn half y’all houses down… And set the other half on fire!

–Brooklyn-bound Q train

Overheard by: Incitatus

Pseudo-intellectual: She called me and told me there was a bonfire in her ovaries.

–MacDougal Street Ale House

Overheard by: Ladle

Creepster: Come here… You don’t wanna know what I’m on right now. If you come home with me, I will light you on fire.

–Columbus Ave

Concerned NYU girl to boyfriend about California wildfires: Do you think Cher’s house burned?!

–Water St dorm, NYU

Overheard by: michael

Are You Afraid of Wednesday One-Liners?

FDNY lieutenant to EMTs: Hey, get this! Some guy just called 911 because some guy looked scary!

–34th & 10th

Overheard by: guy in back of ambulance

Gay guy to another: I'm terrified of successful women!

–23rd & Park Ave

Overheard by: Moy

(guy with drums finishes a performance in the train)
Guy with drums
: Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for listening. Help a brother out and donate some money if you enjoyed this performance. (lady in front of him looks scared)

Please donate and if you don't know what to do or are scared, smile and nod. Everything will be okay.

–E Train

Overheard by: Sleepy

Crazy bag lady to high school boy: I ain't scared of you. I'll beat you with a crowbar. Cuz I gotta crowbar in my pussy and it's way up there!

–B54 Bus

Suit on cell: And I was scared, right? Because her legs were open in the cemetery.

–Gramercy Park