Archive for the ‘Crime and Punishment’ Category

And a Large Trash Bag, If You Have Any

Crazy Italian man to cashier: Fucking asshole! Where's my fucking money, fucking asshole?! You owe me money! She's German!
Cashier: Who?
Crazy Italian man: The German whore owes me $10,000! You'll be finding her body in the basement! That whore better watch out! I'm Italian and I know mafiosi from here to Beverly Hills! …I'll have a coffee to go…

–Europan Cafe, Columbus Circle

Overheard by: ryan and erin

Friends Don’t Let Friends Be Drug Mules

Black guy: I just really don’t wanna go to prison in Africa.
White guy: Of course. And, if at any time you feel like that might be a possibility, the operation comes to a close. I value you and your sweet virgin ass and unslit throat over some cheap pot.
Black guy: That’s how I know you’re a real friend.

–Parking lot, LaGuardia

Overheard by: slightly confused

Wednesday One-Liners Do Not Pass “Go”; Do Not Collect $200

Guy: I don’t think you’re supposed to like being incarcerated.

–St. Mark’s Place

Overheard by: mkb

Middle-aged man on phone: I’m telling you, if I turn myself in now I won’t be in court for six months.

–50th & 8th

Grungy guy to his friend: …Dude, you have no idea how many times I’ve been in this courthouse…

–Giants Parade, in Front of the Courthouse

Overheard by: Julian

Guy on phone: We really got ourselves in some deep shit with this one. I hope he gets out sooner for good behavior. We should have never gotten involved.

–JFK Airport

Woman, yelling in stall: I will read you your Miranda rights, bitch! I will arrest you!

–Port Authority Women’s Bathroom

Overheard by: unsure if she is crazy or on the phone

Cashier on phone: No, you don’t understand, miss. That is perjury. If I do that, I will go to jail… No, you are not listening to me. I would be arrested. I would serve time…[hangs up, turns to customers.] Can I help you?

–Harlem U-Haul

This Is a Drawing of a Teapot, Ma’am

Pharmacist, coming out from behind counter: So how can I help you?
British tourish: Well, I have a headache and a bit of a sore throat and [pulls out piece of paper, shows to pharmacist] I am not sure, but I think this is illegal in the United States.

–Duane Reade, 47th & Lexington

Overheard by: EthanK

Yo Momma So Wednesday, She One-Liners!

Woman on cell: Oh, and by the way, I called my mother to thank her. (pause) No, I said, "Mom, I'm calling on behalf of me and the girls to thank you very much." (longer pause) Well, she can just go fuck herself then.

–90th & Amsterdam Ave

Man on cell: You know a guy really likes a girl when he takes her home to meet his mom…and you know what, Sheila? You ain't never gonna meet my mom.

–South Slope, Brooklyn

Overheard by: smfd

Female college student to friend: We really need to cougarize your mom.

–111th & Broadway

Overheard by: Oh really

Guy: So, hey, my mom didn't die today.

–W 26th & 8th

Overheard by: Katie_AK

Girl sneaking into open conductor's room in front of the train: Next stop, your mother's asshole! Stand clear of the closing cheeks!

–6 Train

Overheard by: Adriana

Handbag seller on street corner: Yo! Tell yo mama I got her bag right here!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Taryn

Girl on cell: Yeah, I'm bussin' it for now, my mom's on this thing that I have to show her responsibility… I know, it's like I get up in the morning, I haven't gotten arrested in a while, and I have a job, what more do you want from me?

–Seguine Ave & Waterbury, Staten Island

Wednesday One-Liners Won’t Give Peace A Chance

Black guy: Man, niggas got guns. You don’t know what they gonna do.

–Astor Place

Overheard by: couldn’t stop laughing Hungry guy: Tell him I’m gonna kick his ass! Tell him I’m gonna fuck him up, and tell him to bring food.

–Chelsea

Overheard by: Autumn Mother of the Year: My momma said, “All you gotta do is beat the hell out the biggest one of them, and the rest will fall in line.” And she was right, too.

–23rd & 11th Woman on cell: She went and married that man who her first husband shot her for goin’ out with.

–Foley Square Enthusiastic guy: Yeah! Come down to Ditmars and get your ass whipped! Just come on down to Ditmars and get your ass whipped. Yeah! We’ll whip your ass. So just come down to Ditmars. You’ll get your ass whipped. –N train, Queensboro Plaza Overheard by: Richard Berman Amateur chiropractor: She told the cops I hit her with a golf club. I didn’t hit that bitch with no golf club. If I hit that bitch with a golf club, her neck would be broken. –Behind Pathmark, 125th St Overheard by: wadotron Happy hobo: Oh man! Oh man! [Hugs friend repeatedly] Now I’m gonna kick your ass! –G train Overheard by: greenpoint blank