Archive for the ‘Crime and Punishment’ Category

Those Wacky Homeless

Hobo: It’s not like I even mean to keep talking. I don’t wanna keep talking. They fucked up when they started making Taco Bell Doritos. They take away the molasses! Why? Because they know I like it. I smoked crack with the FBI. Hasta la vista, nigger. Next time I see you, I’m gonna blow crack smoke into your head, you fucking bitch. –W Train

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The Wednesday One-Liners behind the Badge

Male cop to another: Did I tell you today how much I love you? –34th & 8th Overheard by: Egon Thug jumping onto train just as doors were closing: Yo, what train is this? Nah, I don’t care as long as the cops didn’t see me. –C train, Penn Station Overheard by: go rangers! Cop car loudspeaker to random driver: Please use your turn signal when you make an illegal left turn and cut off the bus causing an accident. –8th & University Overheard by: misspenny Conductor: Do not go in between cars at any time, whether or not the train is moving. This is becoming a police state. That’s why I’m outta here. –S train, Grand Central Overheard by: Hametuka

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White People: Is Any Of This Our Fault?

Large black guy #1: Wait, you don’t have your permit yet?
Large black guy #2: Nigga, that ain’t my fault. You know I can drive, but the written test fucked me up.
Large black guy #1: I thought you said it was the easiest shit ever.
Large black guy #2: No, it is. I took it in five minutes. But the last question was “if there’s an ambulance, a fire truck and a mail truck behind you, who do you let by first?”
Large black guy #1: That’s easy. It’s the –
Large black guy #2: Lemme finish. So I put the ambulance right, because some nigga be dying back there. But it turns out the answer is the postal truck because it’s federal property and you can’t mess with the feds.
Large black guy #1: That’s some stupid shit right there. Some nigga be dying in the back. Stupid feds. You know, the police can get you now for saying the n-word? They can give you a ticket and shit.
Large black guy #2: That ain’t right, nigga. I’m black and I will act accordingly. –2 Train

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Parkinson’s Isn’t Contagious

Man: Excuse me…I just wanted to let you know that I was walking just outside this station and a large, black man just grabbed and shook me and started saying something crazy.
MTA lady: Did he take anything from you?
Man: No. But he was crazy and he shook me! –Clinton-Washington Avenues station Overheard by: Marla Shu

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Wednesdays Strap on Their One-Liners

Woman walking into apartment building: Why did I get stuck carrying the bag of butt plugs? –Greenpoint Ave Hot girl on cell: You won't die if you get stabbed by a dildo. (pause) Well, even if it was a hooker. What did you drink? –Cook St & Bushwick Ave Overheard by: cameo Homie on BlackBerry; No, no, peep this, I said "cock ring" and she says, "like the guy from the OJ trial?" I'm dead serious! –Rockafeller Plaza Attractive 20-something to friend: Got hit with a sex toy! –Pillow Fight, Union Square Overheard by: Anna P. Girl to four friends: And then I saw my old wooden dildo. It was wooden! –37th St & 8th Ave 20-something girl: This is the most exciting thing to happen today! And that's saying something, considering today was a day that included buying sex toys! –Topshop

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Wednesday’s Gonna Have a Little One-Liner

Angry frat boy: Oh, so now I’m the bad guy? Let’s talk about you and your irrational pregnancy! –Grand Central Tween to friends: So, do you think I should get an abortion? I mean, I’m not even pregnant! –TGI Fridays Overheard by: Sara Giggling chick: When you get pregnant, the only things that swell are your breasts! –8th & Broadway Overheard by: Hannah Female security guard to friend: I don’t think I’m pregnant. There’s no way I can be pregnant, because I was only having light sex. –Duane Reade, 23rd & 6th Overheard by: jmike Happy lady on cell: Guess what?! I’m pregnant! Yes, with a baby this time! –96th St station Overheard by: Kind of Confused 20-something chick: If I get pregnant, I am so suing Fresh Direct. –Columbia University Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

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Wednesdiverse Multi-Liners

Soulful black man: Well, think about this. A white man lived in Graceland, a black man lived in Neverland. (nods knowingly) –Downtown A Train Overheard by: Bearsian Gallery director to intern: So after he was arrested we sent a letter to Henry Gates asking him for money, you know, since we are a multicultural organization. –Lower East Side Art Gallery Latina to Latino: Latinos and black people can't be racist. That's, like, just white people. –Red Hook, Brooklyn White hobo: When I see a black nigger together with a white nigger, that just confuses the hell outta me. –Houston & Clinton Woman: She likes black dogs because she's black, and I like white dogs because I'm white. –Upper West Side Overheard by: Yehuda

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