Passerby to driver making illegal turn: No red on right in Manhattan!
Driver: Well, I'm from Philly, so whatever!
–44th St
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Archive for the ‘Crime and Punishment’ Category
Armed Robbers Are All About Family Values
Guy #1, in elevator at criminal courthouse: I don't understand. Why is it that every time I get arrested and come to court for something I did, they pull me aside and lock me up for something I didn't do? All I have to do is touch the door of the courthouse and they pull me aside and tell me I robbed the family dollar store! Why would I rob the family dollar?
Guy #2 in elevator: It's a family! Trying to make a dollar!
Guy #1: Exactly!
–Criminal Courthouse, Brooklyn
Overheard by: NYC Kim
Or It Would If “That Other Thing” Weren't Murder
Construction worker to another: I got a parking ticket today, but I'm just going to send it in not guilty, then send a lawyer to say my client can't make court today, then reschedule, then by then I'll already be on probation from that other thing!
Friend: Yeah, good idea, that should work.
–Brooklyn
The Lost Scene from Stand By Me
Boy #1: I'll strip for a dollar.
Boy #2: That shit ain't legal.
Boy #3: It's legal in my book!
–125th St
Story Of My Life.
Tall Mexican woman: Hey, whatever happened to that little boy?
Nonchalant short Asian woman: Well, they found his head but not his body.
Tall Mexican woman, rolling eyes: Figures.
–C Train
…Right After I Pray for Pussy.
Old black man #1: You know I'm goin' to court tomorrow?
Old black man #2: Yeah, I know. I'll be praying for you… I always do.
–Deli, 113th St & Lenox
How Was Your World Tuberculosis Day, New York?
Six-year-old girl: Daddy, isn't it against the law to spit on the street?
Dad: Yes it is, but it's cheaper to pay the ticket than to go to the doctor and pay him to prescribe me some medication.
Six-year-old girl, with blank look: Okay, makes sense.
–42nd St & 10th Ave
Overheard by: sunnydlite
To Help Her Resist the Make-up Sex
20-something Puerto Rican on cell: We're walking to the court right now. Yeah, he is an asshole, she's gonna get an order of protection.
20-something black woman, yelling: Yeah, I am tired of his violent shit!
20-something Puerto Rican: Uh-huh, but we're gonna get a patty first. She's hungry.
–Jamaica Ave & 153rd St, Queens
Overheard by: walking to court
Wednesday One-Liners Don't Give a Cluck
Extremely tall black woman watching video excerpt of porn star Marilyn Chambers "self pleasuring": Huh, looks like she's cleaning out a chicken.
–Museum of Sex, 5th Ave
Very round and fat short woman on cell: Next time ya come down to Astoria bring me some ribs! (girlishly) Bring me some chicken or some ribs. (pause) Wellll, bring some tomorra! (pause) I'll be lickin' my fingas at 4:30 in the mornin'!
–N Train
Overheard by: I want some ribs too
Suit on cell: So, the chicken comes out of its cage, and then it picks your fortune!
–Baxter St & Walker St
Overheard by: Kristin
High school girl: I'm sorry, but I was really high, and the chicken was just sitting there in the fridge. I mean, would you think someone's a bad person who kills someone when they're drunk? (pause) Let's pretend I didn't say that.
–86 St
Lady on cell: They eat the same thing all the time. Every single day it's curried chicken, white rice, curried chicken, white rice. I just want a damn sushi burger!
–Downtown F Train
Gay guy dressed in black with painted red hair: So fuck it. I'm gonna make a fetish costume for a chicken!
–11st St & 3rd Ave
Wednesday One-Liners Call It “Extreme Sharing”
20-something hipster to friend, punching him in the arm: Dude, you stole my Facebook status!
–Central Park
Overheard by: dude, just think up a new one!
Cable man to another, standing in line at Wendy's: Yeah, I was across the street at Popeyes, but it looked like some man was going to rob the place, so I came here instead.
–Flatbush & Ocean Parkway, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Anna
Crazy lady to pigeon: Get outta here! You ain't gonna get none if you beg. You gotta wait for me to give it to you. (throws bread in other direction) That's why you ain't get none. (a few minutes later, she gets up to leave) Alright. It's been real. Thank for not stealing my potato chips.
–Tribeca Park
Four-year-old boy to mom: Mom, when you take chips from my bag without asking, you're stealing. We talked about this. We talked about this at length.
–Uptown 3 Train
Overheard by: This girl from NY