Archive for the ‘Crime and Punishment’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Are Just Gravy

20-something girl to another: You know, with most of the other saints, the way they met their demise had no entertainment value!

–Morningside Heights

Woman to guy, nodding thoughtfully: Hell, no, I'm not going to jail! I don't care if he killed him, he's not gonna kill me too!

–Crown Heights

Grandpa wearing Brooklyn dodgers cap to grandson: Listen to me! Are you listening to me? The last two guys who didn't listen to me ended up dead with their heads blown off! Is that what you want? (pause) So… You hungry?

–IKEA Parking, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Gene D. Gray

30-something guy: If I were 28, in great shape, and everyone loved me, I wouldn't just be in trouble with the law, I'd be dead.

–Mooncake Foods, Soho

Overheard by: Robert

Crazy Puerto Rican with wild poodle: Mira! Mira! Cancel the fucking casket–she ain't dead yet, bitch! Mira!

–86th St & East End

And It Doesn't Help That the Ones You Have Keep Disappearing on You

Hippie girl, about friend cheating: So now she won't answer anyone's calls. And her boyfriend said she hasn't come home in a week.
Friend, completely serious: Maybe he killed her for cheating on him and is calling everyone, acting worried.
Hippie girl: Are you serious right now?! She is probably staying with the guy she's been cheating with.
Friend, looking ashamed: Sorry, I've been watching way too much SVU.
Hippie girl: You need to make friends when you go back to Boston!

–Washington Square

Armed Robbers Are All About Family Values

Guy #1, in elevator at criminal courthouse: I don't understand. Why is it that every time I get arrested and come to court for something I did, they pull me aside and lock me up for something I didn't do? All I have to do is touch the door of the courthouse and they pull me aside and tell me I robbed the family dollar store! Why would I rob the family dollar?
Guy #2 in elevator: It's a family! Trying to make a dollar!
Guy #1: Exactly!

–Criminal Courthouse, Brooklyn

Overheard by: NYC Kim