Man to cop: But if I shoot and kill someone in my home, it's no problem, right?
Cop: No problem here; but you might have a problem in Greece.
–30th Ave & 31st St
Overheard by: venniblue
Archive for the ‘Crime and Punishment’ Category
A Wednesday One-Liner to Remember
Midwestern mother to ticket vendor: Thank goodness for the bus, we've been in the hotel for four days because we can't walk anymore!
–50th St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Kate
Ditz, singing and marching: It's a sidewalk, so I have to walk on it!
–St. Mark's & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Hannah
Sarcastic, portly girl: Great, my two favorite things: walking and learning.
–Governor's Island Ferry
Crazy man in the middle of the street blocking traffic: Car are outlawed! Walk everywhere! I walked to China last week! I walked to Paris yesterday!
–18th & 3rd
Overheard by: Maria
Tough guy to another: I'm a little afraid to walk around with you 'cause it seems everyone you work with dies.
–PJ Clarke's
He's Moonwalked Out Of the Babysitting Business, Hon
Woman #1: I wouldn't mind Michael Jackson looking after my kids.
Woman #2: Two words: child molester.
Woman #1: Two words: Not guilty.
–1 Train
Afghanistan's the Place for That Sort Of Thing
Girl: You know how, like, Chris* lives in the Bronx?
Guy: Yeah.
Girl: And you know how like there are drive-bys there all the time, right?
Guy: (gives her a skeptical look)
Girl: Well, Chris* was going home late the other night and there was a drive-by! He says he saw blood and everything! Can you believe that? Blood! Ewwwwww!
Guy: If you witnessed a drive-by shooting your first reaction would be, “ewwwwww!”? Mine would be “I gotta get out of here before I get shot!”
Girl: Anyway, it just proves my point about the Bronx.
–6 Train
Ryan Seacrest? Really??
Huge fat black lady: Dat nigga be bad!
Skinny black dude: Yeah, he real bad!
Huge fat black lady: Dat nigga be ba-aaad!
Laughing black guy sitting across train, screaming: Dat nigga be so bad he be born in jail!
–Q Train
Overheard by: lola
Dammit, That Was My Tumor
Thug #1: Yo, Quame got cancer, right?
Thug #2: Yeah.
Thug #1: See, that what he get for stealin' from me…
–L Train
Overheard by: Paul
Wednesday One-Liners' Prints and DNA Are on File
Man dressed in briefs, on Halloween, to policeman: I want you to arrest me! She didn't listen to me! I want you to arrest me right now!
–W 17th St
Overheard by: The Girl in Vintage Formal
Slightly buzzed 40-something man, in very loud hushed tone: I know your son is in jail! Isn't he?
–Mid-Manhattan Library
Man to another: They let him go because my daughter couldn't identify him. But now she got glasses.
–Ave B & 6th St
Overheard by: Miss V
Agitated man, yelling into cell: I don't love you. I hate you. I did ten years and got seven felonies for you.
–Brooklyn
Girl to another: So I wrote "we're being kidnapped' on a piece of paper and pressed it against the window.
–Famous Famiglia, 111th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Lucy
High school girl: That nigga just got *out* of jail. That reminds me, I need to go to Bushwick.
–Grand St & Bushwick Ave
Overheard by: rpk
Wednesday Lindsay-Lohaners
Gay guy, angrily looking at woman eating sausages: And that is why I hate lesbians!
–Gay Pride Parade
Man on cell: I went to San Francisco last month to find me a lesbian girlfriend.
–Big Apple BBQ
Overheard by: skibs
Angry lady to another: Why would I have sex with another woman?
–Greenwich Village
Hobo on platform: Men… do not have sex with women! Any man who has sex with a woman should be arrested. Women do not like sex–women are all lesbians!
–7 Train
Crazy hobo to young girls on bench: You girls are a box full of lesbians!
–Union Square
Overheard by: Daphne
How Kids Learn to Offer Bribes
Little boy, whispering to brother: That's a cop. He can arrest people.
(brother starts tickling little boy)
Little boy: Arrest him! Arrest him!
Cop: Sorry, kid. I'm off duty.
–5 Train
Overheard by: Bruce Lee
But Compulsory Animal Crackers and Juice Would Just Be Inhumane
Loud dude: I think nap time should be enforced by the government. Anyone who doesn't take a nap should be sent to jail.
Friend: Yeah, nap jail!
–D Train