Archive for the ‘Crime and Punishment’ Category

Armed Robbers Are All About Family Values

Guy #1, in elevator at criminal courthouse: I don't understand. Why is it that every time I get arrested and come to court for something I did, they pull me aside and lock me up for something I didn't do? All I have to do is touch the door of the courthouse and they pull me aside and tell me I robbed the family dollar store! Why would I rob the family dollar?
Guy #2 in elevator: It's a family! Trying to make a dollar!
Guy #1: Exactly! –Criminal Courthouse, Brooklyn Overheard by: NYC Kim

PETA-Approved Wednesday One-Liners

HS boy to two friends: Dude, you’d be surprised how many vegetarians are into meaty chicks. –E train Man eating salad: Vegetarians should be evolutionarily punished. –Small diner, Chinatown Girl to friend: Hey, do you think that the reason he doesn’t like oral sex is because he’s vegan? [Friend is silent.] Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s it. –112th, between Broadway & Amsterdam Overheard by: Gigi Cougar dining with pals: I’m an animal-lover, so I’m going to get the fish. –Rue 57, 57th & 6th Crazy woman: Vegetarians have better sex! –F/V train stop, Houston & 1st Ave Overheard by: So, no hot beef injection? Woman handing out leaflets for veganism: Come on, come on! Vegans have better sex! No, really — try me! –Columbus Circle Overheard by: What is she trying to sell here?

Wednesday One-Liners Hope for Conjugal Visits

Trench coat guy on cell: Are they arresting you? –72nd & West End Overheard by: orlum Woman rushing inside: Oh my god! I was almost an eyewitness to something! –Viacom building, 44th & Broadway Overheard by: bonster Man on cell: I’m sorry to bother you, but I really don’t wanna go to jail… –S 2nd & Bedford Ave Overheard by: Are All Criminals So Polite? Guy: That’s so true! He’ll willingly go to jail just for the free sex! –Union Square Park Chick toting a baby: Yeah, but I ain’t qualify fo’ that ’cause of all them felonies I got. –Ridgewood, Queens Overheard by: Grytsayo

Wednesday One-Liners for Black History Month

Russian woman to Russian friend: I want to see Notorious because it's about black people. –Regal Cinema, 13th & Broadway High school boy: Hey, look–a black kid! –B1 Bus Overheard by: Robert Gleyberman Black guy: Don't worry, its alright! I'm not that black! I haven't mugged anybody in two weeks, and I love all white people under six feet tall! –Time Square Overheard by: Jennie Middle-aged black woman, to no one in particular: That George W. Bush! He walks like an arrogant black man! –Queens Overheard by: BigFatTiger Nerdy Jewish guy: I don't know what went wrong. I should be a black girl by now! –Queens College

Wednesday One-Liners Ignore the Bloody Hand

Little old lady to little old hubby: Fuck you, Dick, I am not crossing against the light! I can’t do it. Fuck you! –Houston & LaGuardia Overheard by: Almost peed on myself from laughing Little tourist to mom: We are jaywalking, yay! –Outside Sak’s Overheard by: also jaywalking Guy on cell: … So it’s fucked up, nights in the city. Everyone jaywalks, and they all wear black… Shit, good point! Blacks! … Yeah, you get a black guy wearing black, jaywalking — that’s a perfect storm of trouble! … I dunno, but I bet it has something to do with why insurance is so high… –Broadway & Bleecker Two guys cross street on ‘Don’t walk’ signal as car is coming. Traffic cop: Hit ’em! Hit ’em! –35th & 5th Overheard by: mike Loud grandma tourist blocking crosswalk: What’s the matter with these people?! Why are they crossing the street? Can’t they see the ‘No crossing’ sign? Where do they think they’re going? –Times Square Tourist woman to crowd of pedestrians: No, don’t cross! Here comes the big red hand! –51st & 5th Overheard by: Micaela

Law and Order and Wednesday One-liners

Guy on cell: …yeah, and then I got arrested. So what’s up with you? –Brooklyn Heights Cop: Man, there’s a lot of Grade A ass out here today! –Ground Zero Guy: Don’t feel bad, honey. I’d say that one out of every 8 guys is a convicted arsonist. –Union Square Cop: Man, I hate going to the bathroom. You gotta take all this stuff off! –Barnes & Noble, 22nd Street Overheard by: Tommy Raiko

My Son is an Honor Student…and a Vandal!

Suit #1: …so he’s got one hand on the car’s aerial, and with the other hand he’s punching a four inch by eight inch dent in the car, while running alongside. At this point it becomes destruction of property.
Suit #2: And that’s when the campus police got involved? –52nd & 6th Overheard by: Meredith

When God Closes a Wednesday One-Liner, He Opens a Window

Conductor: Please stand clear of the closing doors. (pause) Please stand clear of the closing doors. (pause) Station police officer, please apprehend the man holding the doors in the 6th car. (pause, then doors close) Hahaha, that always works. –B Train Overheard by: JustMe Conductor: The door in car number two is not working, if you are looking at this door not opening I recommend moving, youuuuuuuu might want to move. –LIRR Overheard by: Brian Broker MTA engineer: Please use all exits. For the love of god, people, use all the doors to get out of the train. What the fuck, people, use the doors. Thank you. –G Train Overheard by: lolz Conductor: Please stop holding the doors. (people continue to hold doors). I'm already on the clock, I have nowhere to be. –A Train Overheard by: oliviz Disgruntled subway conductor: Listen up, y'all! This train needs to move! Do not try to hold open the doors! Do not run at closing doors! Do not stick anything in the doors! That includes arms, legs, obnoxiously expensive purses, children, animals, whatever! Let's go! –1 Train Overheard by: Sarah Conductor: Please stand clear of the doors or it will bruise yo face. –C Train Overheard by: Chris