Archive for the ‘Customers’ Category

This Urn of Scalding Decaf Says You Are Mistaken

Waiter: Excuse me, sir — can you finish up your coffee? We’re closing.
Customer: What do you mean? It’s only 10:30! You close at eleven.
Waiter: Well, we changed the hours, and we now close at 10:30.
Customer: Well, last time I checked, I am a customer and I am right about a lot of stuff, and I say you close at eleven. –Coffee shop, 20th & 1st Overheard by: PJ

…And a Milkshake, Please.

Woman in store: Let me get a bacon and cheese on a roll.
Deli guy: Okay, bacon egg and cheese on a roll.
Woman: No eggs! I have high cholesterol, I'm trying to stay away from that… Just bacon and cheese on a roll, and put some mayonnaise on it. (mutters under her breath) Pshhh, eggs, you tryin to kill me with high cholesterol. –Lafayette Ave & Broadway

The Wednesday One-Liner That Never Sleeps

20-something girl to friend: I'm sorry, but what is the big fucking deal with eating on the sidewalk? Back courtyard? Sure. Rooftop? Fuck, yeah! But the fucking sidewalk? Homeless people up in my face. Loud trucks up in my ears. Carcinogens up in my lungs. I mean… really? New Yorkers are all fucked up. –2nd Ave b/w 6th & 7th Overheard by: Dodd Loomis Ditzy blond tourist: New York is the most foreign place in America I've ever been to! –F Train Overheard by: Chelsea S. Indian guy on phone: I don't wanna be like the Bengali fob! I'm gonna show up and be like the original New York gangsta! –B61 Bus Bar customer to table next to him: I need to visit New York, everyone that visits is always happy. Everyone that lives here in New York is always miserable. –Chambers St Little boy, with great excitement: I just tripped in New York City! –Times Square

Wednesday One-Liners Happen

Dude on cell: If he wrote a fucking haiku I would shit myself! –50th b/w 8th & 9th Hip dude: I was like: "Your voice is drowning me in a wave of bullshit." –W 4th Customer to associate: Where can I pay for this shit? –Apple Store, 5th Ave Suit on cell: No, I have IBS. IBS! Ya know, Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I’ll shit when I gotta shit, and that’s the way this is gonna go! –Penn Station Overheard by: Quippy Pasqual am New York paper guy: Get your free am New York! They’re free because their employees get paid shit! –53rd & 7th Ave

That’s Mistress Mayhem to You

Guy: Thanks, ma’am.
Teenage cashier: Did he just call me “ma’am?”? Do I look like a ma’am? I don’t look that old, do I?
Guy: No, no; “ma’am” is a sign of respect, not age.
Teenage cashier: Okay, then.
Guy: Uh, thanks, hot mama.
Teenage cashier: Did he just call me “hot mama”? –Gourmet Garage, Broadway Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Let's Get Ready to Wednesday One-Liiiiiiiiiiner!

Chick on cell: It attacked me this morning. I attacked it this afternoon. –113th St Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy Six-year-old boy on train platform to grown man eyeing him: Stop looking at me or I'm going to beat you up! –NJ Transit Overheard by: Turning away now. Hipster on cell: Wait…so he hit you with the broom first, right? –60th & Lex Overheard by: Easy Does It Shopper on her cell: If one of these little kids steps on my toes one more time I'm gonna pinch the motherfuckers. –Ikea in Red Hook Woman in bathroom: No, there's no toilet paper. You wanna throw down? –Port Authority

Did You Feel As Dirty As I Did When He Said “Tastebud Sensation”?

Old british man, to liquor store employees: Have any of you ever tried this beer?
Thugged-out liquor store employee #1: Nah.
Old british man: Oh, it’s a splendid Belgian stout, very sweet. It’s my absolute favorite variety of Belgian beer. You should try it sometime. It is absolutely divine, a tastebud sensation the likes of which I can guarantee you’ve never known. Well, have a great night, chaps. [Pays for his beer and walks out.]
Thugged-out liquor store employee #1: Yo, dog, you hear that guy’s accent? You think his accent was real?
Thugged-out liquor store employee #2: Nah.
Thugged-out liquor store employee #1: I don’t think so, either.
Thugged-out liquor store employee #2: It couldn’t have been real. You hear that guy? He ain’t from no foreign country. He spoke perfect English. –Liquor Store, Manhattan Overheard by: daile