Older man: You get on my nerves… You get on my nerves, and I do not want to be arrested for beating a child.
Kid, cheerfully: You won't!
–Staples, Broadway & 184th St
Overheard by: prefers them over easy
Archive for the ‘Dads’ Category
Way to Raise Your Kid to Be a Total Drag.
Little boy, watching teen girl smoking: Why are people always smoking cigarettes?
Dad: Because they are addictive. That is why daddy quit. Do you want to tell the nice girl what will happen to her if she doesn't quit?
Little boy: Well, first you'll get really sick. And then you'll die. (pause) And then you'll be dead!
–15th St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Nora Claire
The Female Version Of Lord Of the Flies Proved Too Frightening for the Average Reader
Father: Okay, girls, get your hairspray and turquoise eyeliner.
Daughter: Why?
Father: We're going to Staten Island!
–Hudson & Christopher
Overheard by: Seonachan
As We Learned from Precious
Father: I don't even want to know how many calories this burger has.
Young daughter: What's a calorie?
Father: A calorie is a unit of flavor.
–Five Guys Burgers, Brooklyn
Isn't It Daddy's Job to Eat That?
Hispanic toddler, whining: Daddy, I want a corn dog!
Hispanic dad, completely serious: I'm going to punch you in the face.
Hispanic mother: Coño!
–6th & 3rd
Overheard by: Jesse H.
The Critics Are Raving About Wednesday One-Liners!
30-something man to girlfriend: I liked it. I mean, it really made me think: if twenty years from now I went in a hot tub and was transported back to today, what would I tell myself to do with my life?
–23rd St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: drose
Dad to teenage children: I wouldn't see Twilight if my life depended on it. If I had to choose, I would choose to die.
–Times Square
Acting professor: Did you see how Brando picked up her glove? He wanted her to stay. Do you ever do that? Take someone's things just so you know they'll come back? (dead silence) Guess you kids just aren't devious like me…
–Tisch School of the Arts
Older man to ticket salesman: Are Precious and The Rocky Horror Picture Show a double feature?
–Clearview Cinema, Chelsea
And Given It a Reality Show Called Kirstie Alley's Big Life
Teenage girl: But it's not a squid, it's an octopus.
Father: It's a cephalopod.
Teenage girl: But if it just rose out of the water, all of a sudden, and grabbed hold of the bridge, what would people scream? “Help! It's a giant cephalopod!”?
Father: The more erudite among them would scream that, yes.
Teenage girl: (laughs)
Father: Actually, I think they would just scream, “Aaaarggghhh!”
Teenage girl: Stop it! People are staring!
Father: But I find it hard to believe that something that big could just sneak up on people.
Teenage girl: Yeah. If it existed, they would have found it by now.
–Brooklyn Bridge
…National Security Secrets!
Five-year-old: Wipe!
60-year-old father: What for?
Five-year-old: Daddy, I need a wipe! Now! I think I spilled!
–60th St
The Last Borough Before Canadia
Little boy on subway: Are we there yet?
Dad: No.
Little boy on subway: Where are we going?
Dad: 1,932nd Street. It's in Maine.
–1 Train
That's Just New York in the Morning, Honey
Little girl: It smells here.
Father: Oh, like what?
Little girl: Like… Coffee… and… the zoo.
–Starbucks