Wife: If you're brain dead–I'm sorry, but I'm having them pull the plug!
Husband: (blank look)
Wife: You'd want that, right?
–Near Penn Station
Overheard by: LK
Archive for the ‘Death’ Category
Lions, and Tigers, and Wednesday One-Liners — Oh My!
20-something woman on cell: Did I tell you mom got into a fight with a raccoon again? (pause) Yeah, I know, our mom is totally going to die of rabies.
–Starbucks, West Village
Overheard by: Vaccinated for rabies
Guy to another: Flap your wings baby, just flap your wings!
–Broadway
Woman, shouting at no one in particular: You know I'm unstoppable! I'm like an ox!
–1 Train
Overheard by: Rose Fox
NYU girl: My mother was like, "what would you do with a giant inflatable turkey?" and I was like, "what wouldn't you do with a giant inflatable turkey?"
–3rd Ave & 14th St
Overheard by: Mickey
Can We at Least Agree That Two Whites Don't Make a Wong?
Highly agitated gay man, bleach-blond, indeterminately biracial: My mother was black! She died in 1999!
Middle aged black woman: Now, wait a second…
Highly agitated gay man: My mother was black and my father was Chinese!
Middle aged black woman: Now, you just don't worry about them…
Highly agitated gay man: If I'm white, it's because my black mother was white!
Middle aged black woman: Now you're just bein' crazy.
–Prospect Park, Brooklyn
Overheard by: MPW
The Critics Are Raving About Wednesday One-Liners!
30-something man to girlfriend: I liked it. I mean, it really made me think: if twenty years from now I went in a hot tub and was transported back to today, what would I tell myself to do with my life?
–23rd St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: drose
Dad to teenage children: I wouldn't see Twilight if my life depended on it. If I had to choose, I would choose to die.
–Times Square
Acting professor: Did you see how Brando picked up her glove? He wanted her to stay. Do you ever do that? Take someone's things just so you know they'll come back? (dead silence) Guess you kids just aren't devious like me…
–Tisch School of the Arts
Older man to ticket salesman: Are Precious and The Rocky Horror Picture Show a double feature?
–Clearview Cinema, Chelsea
…It Was Your First Time, Right?
Police officer #1: They really shouldn't let elderly people in this elevator. It's so hot and there's no air circulation, people pass out in here!
Police officer #2: Well, maybe they should just not go on the elevator. (they laugh)
Police officer #1: But seriously, I had to give three old ladies mouth-to-mouth.
Police officer #2: Well, there's a first time for everything.
–168th St
The Magic Eight Ball Of Our Century
Asian kid #1: If I get any lazier, I just might die.
Asian kid #2: Sometimes I'm too lazy to sleep.
Asian kid #3: How many calories does it take to sleep?
Asian kid #1: Ask your brain.
Asian kid #2: Ask google.
–Lafayette & Walker
Overheard by: Jesse G.
Wednesdays Strap on Their One-Liners
Woman walking into apartment building: Why did I get stuck carrying the bag of butt plugs?
–Greenpoint Ave
Hot girl on cell: You won't die if you get stabbed by a dildo. (pause) Well, even if it was a hooker. What did you drink?
–Cook St & Bushwick Ave
Overheard by: cameo
Homie on BlackBerry; No, no, peep this, I said "cock ring" and she says, "like the guy from the OJ trial?" I'm dead serious!
–Rockafeller Plaza
Attractive 20-something to friend: Got hit with a sex toy!
–Pillow Fight, Union Square
Overheard by: Anna P.
Girl to four friends: And then I saw my old wooden dildo. It was wooden!
–37th St & 8th Ave
20-something girl: This is the most exciting thing to happen today! And that's saying something, considering today was a day that included buying sex toys!
–Topshop
…As I Will Explain on All My College Applications.
Blonde seventh grader, about Holocaust: Yeah, like, I'm Jewish on my mom's side, you're Asian. So, basically everyone in our class would have died from the Nazis.
Asian seventh grader, to other friend: Except for Laura.
Laura: What? Why?
Asian seventh grader: Because you're white.
Laura: I'm not white! I'm like… Pinkish or something.
–93rd St & Amsterdam
Grandma Saw This at the Drive-in Movie
Girlfriend: She was laughing that her grandmother choked to death on a hot dog.
Boyfriend: A what?
Girlfriend: A hot dog.
Boyfriend: What?
Girlfriend: Her grandmother choked to death on a hot dog.
Boyfriend: Is that a euphemism?
–1 Train
Overheard by: Slooop
Dude, I'd Kill You for Your Scooter.
Tween boy with scooter to friend with skateboard: If I died, would you take my scooter?
Friend: What?
Boy: If I died, right now, would you take my scooter, man?
–Columbus Circle