Archive for the ‘Death’ Category

Way to Raise Your Kid to Be a Total Drag.

Little boy, watching teen girl smoking: Why are people always smoking cigarettes?
Dad: Because they are addictive. That is why daddy quit. Do you want to tell the nice girl what will happen to her if she doesn't quit?
Little boy: Well, first you'll get really sick. And then you'll die. (pause) And then you'll be dead!

–15th St & 7th Ave

Overheard by: Nora Claire

Wednesday One-Liners Are Beautiful, Dammit!

Man to woman on lunch date: Pussy makes the world go round. When you're 85, dyin', you don't want to regret it if you never got to stick your head up there, or whatever. You wanna die sated.

–Madison Square Park

Overheard by: Christine

Man, as two women approach: Vagiiiiiina, vagiiiiiiiiiiiina, vagiiiiiiiiiiiiiinaaaaaaa!

–Washington Square

Overheard by: Joe

Hipster on cell: I don't even know you! I do not want to see your vagina.

–Park Ave & 22nd St

Overheard by: Sophia

Suit on cell: I'm gonna cut off her cunt and make her wear it as a hat!

–Times Square

Teenager to friend: That girl has a Stargate vagina. You put it in and, bam, a kid pops out!

–Catherine St & Madison St

Girl at speed dating event: …like my vagina!

–Watering Hole, E 19th St

Lions, and Tigers, and Wednesday One-Liners — Oh My!

20-something woman on cell: Did I tell you mom got into a fight with a raccoon again? (pause) Yeah, I know, our mom is totally going to die of rabies.

–Starbucks, West Village

Overheard by: Vaccinated for rabies

Guy to another: Flap your wings baby, just flap your wings!

–Broadway

Woman, shouting at no one in particular: You know I'm unstoppable! I'm like an ox!

–1 Train

Overheard by: Rose Fox

NYU girl: My mother was like, "what would you do with a giant inflatable turkey?" and I was like, "what wouldn't you do with a giant inflatable turkey?"

–3rd Ave & 14th St

Overheard by: Mickey

Can We at Least Agree That Two Whites Don't Make a Wong?

Highly agitated gay man, bleach-blond, indeterminately biracial: My mother was black! She died in 1999!
Middle aged black woman: Now, wait a second…
Highly agitated gay man: My mother was black and my father was Chinese!
Middle aged black woman: Now, you just don't worry about them…
Highly agitated gay man: If I'm white, it's because my black mother was white!
Middle aged black woman: Now you're just bein' crazy.

–Prospect Park, Brooklyn

Overheard by: MPW

The Critics Are Raving About Wednesday One-Liners!

30-something man to girlfriend: I liked it. I mean, it really made me think: if twenty years from now I went in a hot tub and was transported back to today, what would I tell myself to do with my life?

–23rd St & 7th Ave

Overheard by: drose

Dad to teenage children: I wouldn't see Twilight if my life depended on it. If I had to choose, I would choose to die.

–Times Square

Acting professor: Did you see how Brando picked up her glove? He wanted her to stay. Do you ever do that? Take someone's things just so you know they'll come back? (dead silence) Guess you kids just aren't devious like me…

–Tisch School of the Arts

Older man to ticket salesman: Are Precious and The Rocky Horror Picture Show a double feature?

–Clearview Cinema, Chelsea

…It Was Your First Time, Right?

Police officer #1: They really shouldn't let elderly people in this elevator. It's so hot and there's no air circulation, people pass out in here!
Police officer #2: Well, maybe they should just not go on the elevator. (they laugh)
Police officer #1: But seriously, I had to give three old ladies mouth-to-mouth.
Police officer #2: Well, there's a first time for everything.

–168th St

Wednesdays Strap on Their One-Liners

Woman walking into apartment building: Why did I get stuck carrying the bag of butt plugs?

–Greenpoint Ave

Hot girl on cell: You won't die if you get stabbed by a dildo. (pause) Well, even if it was a hooker. What did you drink?

–Cook St & Bushwick Ave

Overheard by: cameo

Homie on BlackBerry; No, no, peep this, I said "cock ring" and she says, "like the guy from the OJ trial?" I'm dead serious!

–Rockafeller Plaza

Attractive 20-something to friend: Got hit with a sex toy!

–Pillow Fight, Union Square

Overheard by: Anna P.

Girl to four friends: And then I saw my old wooden dildo. It was wooden!

–37th St & 8th Ave

20-something girl: This is the most exciting thing to happen today! And that's saying something, considering today was a day that included buying sex toys!

–Topshop