Archive for the ‘Death’ Category

Wednesdays Strap on Their One-Liners

Woman walking into apartment building: Why did I get stuck carrying the bag of butt plugs?

–Greenpoint Ave

Hot girl on cell: You won't die if you get stabbed by a dildo. (pause) Well, even if it was a hooker. What did you drink?

–Cook St & Bushwick Ave

Overheard by: cameo

Homie on BlackBerry; No, no, peep this, I said "cock ring" and she says, "like the guy from the OJ trial?" I'm dead serious!

–Rockafeller Plaza

Attractive 20-something to friend: Got hit with a sex toy!

–Pillow Fight, Union Square

Overheard by: Anna P.

Girl to four friends: And then I saw my old wooden dildo. It was wooden!

–37th St & 8th Ave

20-something girl: This is the most exciting thing to happen today! And that's saying something, considering today was a day that included buying sex toys!

–Topshop

Are You Afraid of Wednesday One-Liners?

FDNY lieutenant to EMTs: Hey, get this! Some guy just called 911 because some guy looked scary!

–34th & 10th

Overheard by: guy in back of ambulance

Gay guy to another: I'm terrified of successful women!

–23rd & Park Ave

Overheard by: Moy

(guy with drums finishes a performance in the train)
Guy with drums
: Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for listening. Help a brother out and donate some money if you enjoyed this performance. (lady in front of him looks scared)

Please donate and if you don't know what to do or are scared, smile and nod. Everything will be okay.

–E Train

Overheard by: Sleepy

Crazy bag lady to high school boy: I ain't scared of you. I'll beat you with a crowbar. Cuz I gotta crowbar in my pussy and it's way up there!

–B54 Bus

Suit on cell: And I was scared, right? Because her legs were open in the cemetery.

–Gramercy Park

Wednesday One-Liners Have a View to a Kill

God freak: The Christians are praying and not killing. The Christians only kill once in two thousand years, or maybe a thousand years. Three hundred years. God will forgive you for killing a hundred men, but he will kill you because of the radio. –R train Chick on cell: You murdered him? Oh… you didn’t. Well that’s good. It would have been bad for your image. –Central Park Overheard by: Laura Dude: Yo, don’t be so angry while I kill everyone. –GWB Terminal, 175th St Bean-Lover: And I said, “Yo, bitch, I kill you for a can o’ pinto beans.” –10th St & 1st Ave B&T girl: I want that exact kind of relationship. Except for, like, the whole mass murdering thing. –Knitting Factory, Leonard St Professor: Why kill yourself when you can just steal someone else’s idea? –Hunter College Overheard by: acep & arielle Woman on cell: Do you know how many executions I’ve been to over the last year?…5. –Central Park Overheard by: MC

Welcome to the Dark Semester Of the Soul, Bitches

Professor: Apologies to everyone in advance, I seem to have the plague this week.
Student: Are you contagiously ill, or have you been on antibiotics for at least twenty-four hours?
Professor: No, not contagiously ill. It's nothing like H1N1 or anything, not that kind of plague. It's more of a the-crops-are-failing-and-women-are-giving-birth-to-stillborn-babies type of plague. Yeah.

–Fordham University Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Admiring Student

“I'm Having a Wednesday One-Liner– And It's Yours!”

Man in floor-length green dress to passersby: How do you know if you're having a baby? It's by the way you lift your legs!

–8th & 34th

Guy to girlfriend: Just make sure you tell me if you're on antibiotics. I already got like three babies that way.

–Battery Park

Overheard by: It's how I got mine

Large black man: She was poppin' those babies out like an Easy-Bake Oven!

–Coney Island Broadwalk

Hobo woman yelling at random pregnant woman: I told you be careful with that belly! That baby's gonna die! It gonna die!

–Broadway & Liberty

Overheard by: CG

Man talking animatedly on cell: Yeah! Don't be surprised if the baby comes out with a hairy red ass!

–Spring Street, SoHo

Middle aged woman: Your baby wouldn't stop crying, so I put my tit in his mouth.

–W 12th & W 4th

Overheard by: michael diamond

Wednesday-One-Liners Prep for Their Roles in Mean Girls II

Woman on cell: I feel bad about ripping the kid off, but…

–Fort Greene Park

Overheard by: Zoe

Suit: Well, apparently I’m part psychic and part asshole.

–Union Square

Overheard by: quite the combo

Blue collar guy: I stopped giving to panhandlers 10 years ago. This guy hit me up every day at my stop and one day I gave him a sandwich and some cigarettes. I watched him and he threw the sandwich away. I went over to him and worked him over pretty bad. I dumped the trash can and took out the sandwich and then took the cigarettes away from him. Then I knocked him down again and took all the money out of his pockets. I was really mad when he threw that sandwich away. Now I never give anything to those guys.
Suit: Yep…

–1 train, Houston St

Overheard by: Amused Minnesotan

Woman on cell: You see, this is why you just can’t be nice to people. I was nice to her once, once! And now she thinks we’re friends. Like I need this!

–Bus stop near Radio City Music Hall

Yuppie on cell: I don’t give a fuck about them. As long as I’m on their will, I don’t really give a shit.

–34th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Gunita

Girl: So my grandma died last week and it sucked so bad, I had to drive all the way to Hartford on Saturday and I totally missed the huge sale at H&M.

–Statue of Liberty

Overheard by: SuziQ