Archive for the ‘Delis’ Category

Do Girls Ever Wednesday One-Liner?

Hobo to passer-by: Arrrr! I'm a fart knocker!

–7th Ave & 25th St

Bimbette: Wow! I ate olives today and I didn't fart!

–L Train

Girl to friend: She farts makeup! She's so glamorous!

–Deli

Overheard by: Straining to hear the rest of the conversation…

30-something tall woman to friend: I used to live in three houses. Now I live in a closet. It's so small that I have to hang my parakeet out the window just to take a fart!

–Ave B & 3rd St

Overheard by: Mike

Older Greek lady to friend: I don't know Celia. I think it is better for everyone if I have gas.

–Astoria

Overheard by: David

You're No Body 'Til Some Body Wednesday One-Liners You

Girl: He has a really amazing skull.

–Bakery, Cortelyou Road

Guy to friend: Why is that girls can get away with picking their noses?

–170th St & Broadway

Loud girl on cell in line at deli: You know I have bladder issues whenever I have sex!

–Broadway & Ooper

Lady suit, screaming into cell: Colon cleanse! Colon cleanse! Colon cleanse! I need a goddamn colon cleanse!

–Staten Island Ferry

Overheard by: Colin

Scott Baio Is 45…and a Wednesday One-Liner

Man to woman: You wouldn't procreate with Boomer Esiason, even though he's the king of Cincinnati?

–Deli, Canal & Hudson

Overheard by: Uncle Bling

Man on cell: Elvis made ten million dollars last year and he's dead. There's no reason I can't make a thousand.

–Park Slope

Hipster: I like Steve Buscemi a lot more than I like you.

–Life Cafe, Bushwick

Overheard by: D

Woman in Southern accent to man: Look, the McGraw-Hill building. Tim McGraw and Faith Hill must own that building!

–W 49th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Michael

Middle aged white man to friend: I finally figured it out. "Mystikal" sounds like a constipated Samuel L. Jackson.

–LIRR

…And a Milkshake, Please.

Woman in store: Let me get a bacon and cheese on a roll.
Deli guy: Okay, bacon egg and cheese on a roll.
Woman: No eggs! I have high cholesterol, I'm trying to stay away from that… Just bacon and cheese on a roll, and put some mayonnaise on it. (mutters under her breath) Pshhh, eggs, you tryin to kill me with high cholesterol.

–Lafayette Ave & Broadway

I Just Threw Up in the Potato Salad a Little

Deli worker: Dude, did you just see those girls walk by outside?
Friend: Damn, dude, those girls are walking around like their shit don't stink! And it definitely doesn't.
Deli worker: Yeah, tell me about it!
Friend: Seriously, bro, I'd let both of them fart in my mouth!

–Deli, Greenpoint

Janet Reno Day One-Liners

Short thug, holding baby, yelling at indie girl outside deli: My baby don't like you! Don't you ever come near my baby again! She thinks you got a ugly face!

–176th & Broadway

Overheard by: emily d.

Older woman to young couple proudly pushing baby stroller: That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!

–2nd Ave & 10th St

Tourist to another: I thought New York was supposed to be filled with good-looking people. My god, everyone here is so ugly!

–Midtown Bar

Husband to wife: Why do we always get ugly German nannies? Always! Why?

–Broadway & 13th St

Nice Wednesday One-Liners Finish Last

Man on cell: I need attractive girls with low self-esteem so I can tell them that I understand and then do horrible things to them. This is basic science.

–40th & 8th

Overheard by: 13Atlantic

Irate Wall Street guy standing in deli: Everything! Everything! I said "everything bagel," you fucking waste of life. (to other customers in line) He always does that!

–Beaver & William

Boy, watching Hannah Montana on screen: unless she's hanging from a rope, I can't be bothered.

–AMC 7, East Village

Overheard by: agreed

Female in red coat: It's, like, the Holocaust–get over it! I didn't even care about it when it first happened.

–Bobst Lobby, NYU

Overheard by: wow.

“Do You Ever Get That Not-So-Wednesday-One-Liner Feeling?”

Girl on cell at register: It's like… If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it was meant to be. (pause) If it doesn't? Well then baby, fuck that nigga, cuz he was a douchebag anyway.

–Deli, Brooklyn

Girl: It sounds douchey. But not like "douchebag" douchey. Like "Summer's Eve" douchey.

–Tribeca

Man to another, on Halloween: Oh, I get it. You're a douchebag.

–Park Slope

Overheard by: T.J.

Hipster dude, sarcastically to others: I love douchebag bars.

–Outside Puck Fair

Overheard by: Is this the definition of irony?