Archive for the ‘Delis’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners? Kinky!

300-pound girl on phone: Girl, you showed your whole booty crack? I know, he's into that kinky downtown shit.

–14th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: bastardo

Loud upstate girl: I think…doin' any kinda research inta furries? You're in trouble.

–Hudson & Houston

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Hoochie: I mean, you gonna handcuff me, then handcuff me. But, you know, when I gotta go do my shit, I gotta go.

–1st St & 1st Ave

Overheard by: stephie

Curly-haired girl on cell: I've totally got a cold too! But I've also got bondage tape. And a cell phone activated vibrator.

–Ouidad salon

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Suit to another, while having lunch on bench: You put duct tape on her mouth and you do it from behind.

–Central Park

Guy at table: You know, she's a quality girl, even when I was in handcuffs, I could tell that she was a quality girl.

–Carnegie Deli

Overheard by: Spazz

…Despite My Best Efforts

50-something woman: Do you have pastrami?
Deli worker: Yes.
50-something woman: Is it good?
Deli worker: Yes.
50-something woman: Okay, then. I'd like a pastrami on rye. Lots of pastrami.
Deli worker: Will that be to stay or to go?
50-something woman: Oh, it's to go home to my husband. Tomorrow is the fifth anniversary of his triple bypass surgery.

–Deli Store

Overheard by: ydnew naej

Wednesday One-Liners for the Royal Family

Guy: Yeah, but it's not that hard to keep your mother from having sex with you.

–Washington Heights

Overheard by: V

Man, seriously: If I could marry my daughter I would.

–Duke's Deli, SoHo

Random moviegoer: I have to admit the incest was tastefully done.

–Outside IFC Center

Overheard by: when is it ever?

Suit on cell: I'm in love with my cousin.

–Williamsburg, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Sean C.

Very gay man to another: I don't know, I'm just not attracted to him at all! Maybe because he's my brother…

–Greenwich Ave & 7th Ave

Overheard by: Lily Caulfield

Man shouting to friend: Incest free for a whole three weeks! Yeah!

–1 Train

Do Your Diamond Shoes Pinch Your Feet?

Young suit #1 (holding pack of gum): Do you have change for a hundred?
Female cashier: No.
Young suit #1: Dude, do you have a dollar? All I have is four hundreds.
Young suit #2: Sorry, I only have five hundreds.
Young suit #1: Ah, I hate it when that happens.
(the two suits leave)
Suit #3 (walking in)
: Do you have change for a hundred?

Female cashier: Don't make me kick yo' ass, brotha.

–Deli, General Motors Office Building

Overheard by: don't look at me, I make $10 an hour

“Fuck Your Mother” Is Practically a Good-Guy Mantra

Young thug #1: Everyone is getting tattoos! Everyone!
Young thug #2: Like who?
Young thug #1: Dave. He just got another tat. I want a tat!
Young thug #2: So, why don't you get one?
Young thug #1: I can't… (whispers) My mom won't let me.
Young thug #2: Shit, nigga, fuck your mother. You can get a tat and be a good guy. I'm a good guy. My record is sealed!

–Deli, Park Slope

Wednesday One-Liners Sound Kinda Non-U

Student: Yeah, someone who plays the cello is a cellist, someone who makes art is an artist, and someone who writes poetry is a poist.

–Hunter College High School

Heavily accented Asian cashier to heavily accented Asian coworker: What!? Speaka English, por favor.

–J2 Deli, W 18th St

Overheard by: nick m

Bimbo looking at scoreboard: I think the "e" stands for "exqualifications" You know, for when a player is "exqualified".

–Yankees Stadium

Lady: I know what I am, he ain't gonna labelize me.

–Washington Square Park

Real estate agent: And all the doormen and service staff are Easter European.

–Park Avenue

Overheard by: Looking for an apartment

Ghetto college girl: I'll talk to you later, I gots to get my learn on, girl.

–Brooklyn College

Overheard by: Corey

Ten Bucks Says He’s Making Water Balloons

Hipster passing large, bald man blocking doorway: Excuse me.
Large, bald man: What are you in a hurry for?
(hipster points to condoms and goes to the counter to pay for them)
Large, bald man
: You’re totally on a condom run!

(hipster smiles and glances back to the man)
Large, bald man
: Did you pull out of that shit?

Hipster: Nope, just having marathon sex.
Large, bald man: I’d high-five you, but I know where those hands have been.
(hipster leaves, laughing)

–Deli, 7th Ave & Christopher St

Overheard by: a

Wednesday One-Liners Totally Moved There Before It Was Cool

Bearded guy to female friend: I went to Williamsburg and was like: "Who *are* all these people that look just like me?

–Café Pick Me Up, 9th & Ave A

Overheard by: Doibles

Young hipster: I only date girls from the Lower East Side or Williamsburg.

–9th St & Ave A

Overheard by: bildita

NYU girl to friend: Berlin is like, the new, like… Williamsburg.

–4th Ave & 12th St

Overheard by: john.ainley

Young girl: I’m Middle Eastern, and I swear to god if I see another honky wearing a keffiyeh I’m going to commit fucking Jihad on Williamsburg.

–Park Slope, Brooklyn

Visitor, looking around in bewilderment: Why is everyone trying to look like they’re poor?

–Bagel Shop, Williamsburg

Overheard by: NCT