Archive for the ‘Delis’ Category

Do Your Diamond Shoes Pinch Your Feet?

Young suit #1 (holding pack of gum): Do you have change for a hundred?
Female cashier: No.
Young suit #1: Dude, do you have a dollar? All I have is four hundreds.
Young suit #2: Sorry, I only have five hundreds.
Young suit #1: Ah, I hate it when that happens.
(the two suits leave)
Suit #3 (walking in)
: Do you have change for a hundred?

Female cashier: Don't make me kick yo' ass, brotha.

–Deli, General Motors Office Building

Overheard by: don't look at me, I make $10 an hour

“Fuck Your Mother” Is Practically a Good-Guy Mantra

Young thug #1: Everyone is getting tattoos! Everyone!
Young thug #2: Like who?
Young thug #1: Dave. He just got another tat. I want a tat!
Young thug #2: So, why don't you get one?
Young thug #1: I can't… (whispers) My mom won't let me.
Young thug #2: Shit, nigga, fuck your mother. You can get a tat and be a good guy. I'm a good guy. My record is sealed!

–Deli, Park Slope

Wednesday One-Liners Sound Kinda Non-U

Student: Yeah, someone who plays the cello is a cellist, someone who makes art is an artist, and someone who writes poetry is a poist.

–Hunter College High School

Heavily accented Asian cashier to heavily accented Asian coworker: What!? Speaka English, por favor.

–J2 Deli, W 18th St

Overheard by: nick m

Bimbo looking at scoreboard: I think the "e" stands for "exqualifications" You know, for when a player is "exqualified".

–Yankees Stadium

Lady: I know what I am, he ain't gonna labelize me.

–Washington Square Park

Real estate agent: And all the doormen and service staff are Easter European.

–Park Avenue

Overheard by: Looking for an apartment

Ghetto college girl: I'll talk to you later, I gots to get my learn on, girl.

–Brooklyn College

Overheard by: Corey

Ten Bucks Says He’s Making Water Balloons

Hipster passing large, bald man blocking doorway: Excuse me.
Large, bald man: What are you in a hurry for?
(hipster points to condoms and goes to the counter to pay for them)
Large, bald man
: You’re totally on a condom run!

(hipster smiles and glances back to the man)
Large, bald man
: Did you pull out of that shit?

Hipster: Nope, just having marathon sex.
Large, bald man: I’d high-five you, but I know where those hands have been.
(hipster leaves, laughing)

–Deli, 7th Ave & Christopher St

Overheard by: a

Wednesday One-Liners Totally Moved There Before It Was Cool

Bearded guy to female friend: I went to Williamsburg and was like: "Who *are* all these people that look just like me?

–Café Pick Me Up, 9th & Ave A

Overheard by: Doibles

Young hipster: I only date girls from the Lower East Side or Williamsburg.

–9th St & Ave A

Overheard by: bildita

NYU girl to friend: Berlin is like, the new, like… Williamsburg.

–4th Ave & 12th St

Overheard by: john.ainley

Young girl: I’m Middle Eastern, and I swear to god if I see another honky wearing a keffiyeh I’m going to commit fucking Jihad on Williamsburg.

–Park Slope, Brooklyn

Visitor, looking around in bewilderment: Why is everyone trying to look like they’re poor?

–Bagel Shop, Williamsburg

Overheard by: NCT

Bone Wednesday-One-Liners-N-Harmony

Gay thug: I better be able to attend the motherfuckin’ flower show or I’m going to hit someone.

–1 Train

Thug: Man, he told us not to add more sugar but we put more sugar in that sauce. Shit was panty-droppin, son.

–Deli, 21st St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Ryn

Thug, in high-pitched voice and flailing arms, while running across the street in front of oncoming UPS truck: Aaaah! Aaaah! Aaaah!

–45th St & 8th Ave

Thug, to friend: That shit done tore my heart!

–N Train

Puerto Rican thug: Au revoir, here is my choo-choo train.

–F Train Platform

Overheard by: Garuda

New York Is Like a Performance Art Installation That Never Closes

Crazy guy eating in deli: You know, 200 years ago, people wouldn’t be able to get anything they wanted from this place… They’d have to go hunt for food.
Clerk, pretending to be amused: Oh, really?
Crazy guy eating in deli (really excited): And you know what?! There used to be cats screaming all night long until the Chinese food places came around (laughs to himself) but not anymore!

–27th & 6th

Overheard by: Karl

Wednesday Pun-Liners

Global teacher, about review packet: You must look at my package in order to see what’s there!

–History Class, Bronx HS of Science

Overheard by: Lillian

Woman in business suit on cell: Yeah, work is crazy right now because I have a big release coming out next week. (pauses) That’s what he said.

–26th & Park

Overheard by: absnola

Lady in the audience: Which one is Patti LuPone?

–St. James Theater

Dorky older guy to female bank teller (smiling): I’ve got a really big deposit for you.
(teller looks down and starts laughing)

–Chase Bank, 24th & 7th

Overheard by: Joe

Timid Asian deli boy to deli owner: Excuse me, I don’t know how to do number two.

–Deli, Union Square

Black waiter to Asian female customer: Enjoy your black balls.

–Ninja, Hudson St