Deli guy: Yo Susan, how’s life treating you?
Customer: Bad. I need an new life.
Deli guy: Your life’s almost over and you need a new one?
–Bensonhurst
Archive for the ‘Depressed’ Category
Today, My Son, You Are a New Yorker.
Dad to four-year-old son: Okay, this is our stop.
Four-year-old son: I hate life.
Dad: What?
Four-year-old son: I hate life.
–1 Train
Overheard by: RAF
Not Until You Stop Killing Cactuses
Boyfriend: We are not getting a Down's Syndrome pet!
Girlfriend: What?
Boyfriend: You know, a pet you buy when you're down. We're not getting one!
Girlfriend: But I feel vulnerable and want to exert my will over something.
Boyfriend: No!
–Outside Petland Discounts, W 23rd St
…Wait– Was That a Sex Joke?
(back door opens and closes, then the bus starts moving)
Obnoxious Hispanic Emo girl: Back doooor! Back doooor!
Bus driver: What the fuck!? Speak up, I don’t have all day!
Obnoxious girl: Back dooooor!
Bus driver: I have a family! I’m tired! I want to go home!
Obnoxious girl: Back doooooooor.
Bus driver: Ladies and gentlemen, our future.
–Bx41
Overheard by: If He’s Dissapointed with this I hope he never walks into one of New York’s public schools
Color-Coordinated Wednesday One-Liners
Hipster on cell: Drunk dialing is the new black. Fuck you. Happy new year.
–House Party, Lorimer St
Overheard by: confabulation Nation
Redhead to friend: I swear we always have orange animals and they’re all called Renae.
–Central Park
Woman to man: There are many things to be sad about. The color of money being green isn’t one of them.
–90th & 1st
Overheard by: Sam
Sad suit: Their yogurt is just too white.
–Outside Pinkberry in Koreatown
Girl: Yeah, my pubes are pink.
–B1 Bus
Overheard by: Robert
Middle aged gay man: Alright! I like colored pens! There, I said it.
–42nd St
All the World’s a Wednesday and the People Merely One-Liners
Loud angsty teen boy: My life is a tragedy and I’m only in act two!
–LaGuardia High School
Overheard by: He’s no Shakespeare…
Actor: I almost woke up dead this morning. But I don’t have an understudy.
–Gallery Players, Park Slope
Overheard by: Emily B.
Guy: …and grimace could play Mary Magdalene.
–Lincoln Center
Shake Shack patron: It was like Menopause: The musical.
–Madison Square Park
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
Queer on cell: Honey, if you thought Menopause was funny, you are gonna piss yo pants at The Vagina Monologues!
–Walgreens, Union Square
Flyer guy to girl with Rent shirt: Why you gonna go see Rent? Have you seen it yet? The gay guy dies. Woo!
–Times Square
Overheard by: Minerva
Stagehand: Julliard is a school. It’s not like Spamalot.
–Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Emily B.
The Wednesday One-Liner Is Always Right
Store clerk lady to man leaning on shelf: Sir, you cannot do that… You are gettin’ too comfortable in this store.
–Grocery Store
Sales clerk to woman with a pug wearing a sweater and booties: That is so gangsta!
–Soho
Overheard by: Lara
Apathetic server to customer: Do I look like I am happy at all?
–Starbucks, Manhattan Mall
Young female customer service rep to another: I’m not sayin’…, I’m just sayin’…, you know what I’m sayin’.
–Macy’s Customer Service
Overheard by: Richard Downey
Daffy’s employee to lady trying on shoes: Do they fit? [Before customer can respond.] I don’t even know why I’m askin’ you. You a customer. I don’t even care.
–Daffy’s, Atlantic Terminal in Brooklyn
Overheard by: Crystal Dickinson
And Every Cow Has Its Own Udders, Y’know?
Sad, sober friend: I just really miss her, I guess.
Drunk friend: There’s no color the sky can’t be at any given time. Remember that!
–E 11th & 2nd
Apparently Superior Court Judges Don’t Take Too Kindly to That
Sad Latino dude: She said no.
Outraged Latino dude: What?!? How could she say no?! After all the time you spent thinking about her ass!
–Willoughby & Taafe, Brooklyn
Overheard by: jacob
Wednesday One-Liners Spin Fat into Muscle
African man, yelling into cell: I am not riding a bike! I’m not a machine! I’m not a machine! I’m not a wheel!
–W 23rd St
Overheard by: I’m a train!
Loud chick on cell: So I told him he’s gotta do some exercises or something to keep up with me. I mean, he doesn’t do any foreplay or anything, just climbs his fat ass on top of me…
–37th & Broadway
Guy on phone at sandwich shop: How am I? Well, that’s a complicated quesion -do you mean right now, or in general? Because right now, Lisa’s got a really bad cold and is all set up on the couch and I just got back from a eulogy for a friend’s pop. So now I’m getting a coffee and then I plan on riding the bicycle at the gym -’cause that’s the closest I can get to heroin. How are you?
–85th & Columbus Ave
Lady, to marathon wheelchair participants: Don’t just sit there, go go go!
–99th & 5th, NYC Marathon
Grown woman, clapping and bouncing up and down: Yaaaaaaay, I get to go on the slide!
–76th & York
Ten-year-old girl leaving the midnight showing of Harry Potter: Ugh. I am never working out again!
–68th & Broadway
Overheard by: Sarah Booz