Archive for the ‘Diet/Weight’ Category

PETA Filed a Friend-of-the-Court Brief, to No Avail

Guy: How was the weekend? Were the kids well-behaved?
Woman: It was fine, they were great.
Guy: How was Max at night? He sometimes gets lonely and starts crying.
Woman: Hmm, I don’t know. I locked them out of my room.
Guy, yelling: You what?!? How could you? You know how they are at night!
Woman, unruffled: They are pets. Not kids. Pets. And I don’t sleep with dogs that weigh more than I do. –Starbucks, 20th St & 6th Ave

PETA-Approved Wednesday One-Liners

HS boy to two friends: Dude, you’d be surprised how many vegetarians are into meaty chicks. –E train Man eating salad: Vegetarians should be evolutionarily punished. –Small diner, Chinatown Girl to friend: Hey, do you think that the reason he doesn’t like oral sex is because he’s vegan? [Friend is silent.] Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s it. –112th, between Broadway & Amsterdam Overheard by: Gigi Cougar dining with pals: I’m an animal-lover, so I’m going to get the fish. –Rue 57, 57th & 6th Crazy woman: Vegetarians have better sex! –F/V train stop, Houston & 1st Ave Overheard by: So, no hot beef injection? Woman handing out leaflets for veganism: Come on, come on! Vegans have better sex! No, really — try me! –Columbus Circle Overheard by: What is she trying to sell here?

She Works Magic with That Trunk–in the Kitchen

Magyar lady #1: See that woman over there? Why does a woman that big come out of the house?
Magyar lady #2: And that floral dress? She looks like an elephant!
Magyar lady #1: Oh look, the elephant is walking past again.
Magyar lady #2: Why don’t any of the elephant’s friends tell her how bad she looks?
Guy on next bench: If you ladies will excuse me, I’m off to go join my wife, the elephant. Translated from the Hungarian. –Fort Tryon Park Overheard by: Adam Nathan

Raise Your Hand If The Biggest Loser Pisses You Off

Mother: What would you guys want if we get McDonald's? We haven't had it in so long…
20-something son: We haven't had it in so long because it's so fattening and gross. Do you know how much fat is in just one of their wraps?
Teenage son: This is not The Biggest Loser. This is called We're Getting McDonald's. –Hylan Boulevard, Staten Island