Archive for the ‘Dildos and Vibrators’ Category

Grumpy Old Wednesday One-Liners

Old man in laundry room: I saw a young man the other day put about 8 Levi's in this little machine, here. They came out with soap all over them because he didn't give them enough room. I turned to him and said, "young man, you need your mother."

–25th St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Adam and AMC

Old man, yelling at a passing ambulance with blaring sirens: Oh, shut the fuck up. Goddamnit!

–Broadway & Washington Place

Little old lady, passing a steep cellar: Wow. I wouldn't want to be drunk going down those stairs.

–Broome Street b/w Allen & Eldridge

Overheard by: always take the elevator

Little old lady to physical therapist: Can I Facebook friend you?

–Parkside Physical Therapy, 100th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

Old Greek man to another: Ya gotta use ya mind, ya money, and ya mouth. Mmm. The three Ms.

–Ditmars

Overheard by: ashley

Old lady with walker to nurse: I just love fresh air and a cigarette.

–5th & B

Overheard by: Adam Glaser

Older man to waiter: You didn't tell me that soup wasn't included. I can't believe you're charging someone of my generation for soup. I shouldn't have to pay for just water, chicken, and rice. Some of us here are on a fixed income. (to neighboring table) You be careful! Your bill's going to come to $30! (pays at register) You should have told me. Now I hope you're happy that tomorrow an old man won't be able to afford his medicine.

–New Wave Cafe, 79th & Broadway

Overheard by: EthanK

Wednesday One-Liners? Kinky!

300-pound girl on phone: Girl, you showed your whole booty crack? I know, he's into that kinky downtown shit.

–14th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: bastardo

Loud upstate girl: I think…doin' any kinda research inta furries? You're in trouble.

–Hudson & Houston

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Hoochie: I mean, you gonna handcuff me, then handcuff me. But, you know, when I gotta go do my shit, I gotta go.

–1st St & 1st Ave

Overheard by: stephie

Curly-haired girl on cell: I've totally got a cold too! But I've also got bondage tape. And a cell phone activated vibrator.

–Ouidad salon

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Suit to another, while having lunch on bench: You put duct tape on her mouth and you do it from behind.

–Central Park

Guy at table: You know, she's a quality girl, even when I was in handcuffs, I could tell that she was a quality girl.

–Carnegie Deli

Overheard by: Spazz

That'll Be Why My MadLibs Didn't Make Any Sense.

Girl #1: Is “dildo” a word? Is it in the dictionary?
Girl #2: It should be, it's a noun.

–15th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Dr.Suze

Headline by: Rosie

Runners-Up:
· “And It’s Not That Hard to Wrap Your Tongue Around It.” – Julian

· “I’ve Verified That It Can Be a Person or Thing.” – Jim
· “Just Look for the Picture Of Bill O’Reilly” – jlp
· “Lesbian Wins Scrabble Contest” – mr. macdog
· “Sure Don’t Script Porn Like They Used To” – benji


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Wednesday One-Liners Buy Hardware for Their Software

Large black lesbian to friends going into a sex shop: I don't wanna see no dildos unless I'm being fucked!

–Greenwich Village

Overheard by: J.D.

Mormon girl, loudly agreeing with friend: Yeah, I know, I know! I didn't even know what a dildo was until I got here! Like, freshman year!

–Outside Lerner Hall, Columbia University

Overheard by: But what about a vibrator?

Loudest black girl in group of loud black teens: What I recommend, to every fuckin' nigga, is the vibratin' cock ring.

–14th St, Outside Urban Outfitters

Overheard by: Now curious about cockrings

Loud tourist girl: But Susan's butt-plug was only $75.

–Orchard & Rivington

Overheard by: MattyB

Man with thick Brooklyn accent on cell: I got the thing…yes the fuckin thing for the thing…yes, but I'm tellin' you the fuckin thing is definitely not big enough for her.

–31st St & 7th Ave

30-something woman to friend: So, between the time I got back from the meeting and the time you called me, I used my vibrator three times. (pauses and realizes everyone on the train is listening) Oh. Did I say that really loudly?

–D Train

Wednesday One-Liners Find Their Niche

Ten-year-old wannabe thug: I'ma put this can of pepper spray up your ass! You want me to put this up your ass?!

–Old Navy, Harlem

Worried bearded 50-something: Yeah, but how are we going to film an anal birth!?

–F Train

Street vendor selling his wares: I will shove your foot up the devil's ass!

–St Mark's Place

Yankee stadium employee yelling to another: Hey, wouldja bend over for a minute? I'll be right back!

–Yankee Stadium

Overheard by: torrie

Gay teen: His hole was as big as a traffic cone!

–1st & 14th

Sinfully ugly girl: I have to stop putting things in my ass.

–forever 21 (queens center mall)

Overheard by: defragment my harddrive