Archive for the ‘Directions’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Get Railroaded

Conductor: Check around, make sure you have all of your belongings. If you have small children, make sure you hold onto them. (in haunting tone) Wouldn't want to see them disappear…into the gap.

–Metro-North Line

Overheard by: Jess

Train conductor on PA: The last car is the quiet car. No cell phones or loud conversations please. If you need to have a conversation, please do so silently.

–Penn Station

Conductress, in monotone: The next stop on this train will be Grand Street, the last stop in the borough…in the borough….in the borough of Manhattan.

–D Train

Overheard by: Jon A.

Conductor on PA: The next stop will be 51st Street. All of you lookin' for the local train on the other platform: hey yo! We over here!

–14th Street Station

MTA conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, this train will be out of commission, uh…right now. Get out!

–MetroNorth Train

Overheard by: Kellin

Train conductor: Ladies and gentleman, brace for impact. (pause) Nah…just kidding, I could never pull that shit off. Y'all lucky we underground! Have a safe day.

–A Train

Today’s Quote Brought to You by the Letter Q, the Number 3, and a Total Dumbass

Tourist boyfriend: What’s Avenue Q?
Tourist girlfriend: Well, in New York City there’s a place called Alphabet City, and that’s where they have Avenues A through Z.

–Dylan Prime, Tribeca

Overheard by: rebecca marie

Headline by: Jessica Bessica

Runners-Up:
· “And Spamalot Is This City in England.” – SAtCW

· “It’s Basically a Concentration Camp for Puppets” – Mikey G.
· “It’s Right Next to Some Giant Apple” – Kelsey
· “No Tourist Left Behind” – sara
· “Ok, Can You Take Your Hand Out Of My Ass Now?” – sherman


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Ennui and Apathy, Living in Perfect Harmony…

Tourist mom: Excuse me, miss, do you know how to get back to Manhattan?
Hipster girl: I’m sorry, I don’t really have the energy to give you fake directions right now.

–Brooklyn-bound F train


Headline by: null


Runners-Up:
· “…Between the emphysema from the clove cigarettes and the anemia from cutting myself.” – invisible girl
· “And if I give real ones, I lose my hipster certification” – AmyS
· “But for $5, I’ll Pretend to Mock Your Fat Children” – Debra, the Barmaid Blog
· “I’m saving it all for defending my bitchy ass in Brooklyn” – knumb
· “When in doubt, Swim” – 6th Floor Blogger




Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Wednesday One-Liners: The Forgotten Borough

Girl on cell: He's thinking of moving to Queens, and really I don't think we're going to be able to last through that.

–1 New York Plaza

Pretty 20-something on phone: So, I mean, I totally have a newfound appreciation for homicidal rages. Who the hell would ditch me for some ugly fag from Queens? Seriously, I should kill him. Or, just leave him in Queens…forever. Would that be a war crime?

–Wall Street

Overheard by: …I almost asked

30-something suit to another: I'll tell you though, it's not easy getting laid in Queens.

–Court St. & Montague

Overheard by: Kaiti

Enthusiastic, articulate conductor: As you can see, we're at the 21st Street stop! This is the first stop in Queens, soooo welcome to Queens! The next and final stop on this train is Courthouse Square. Now that we all know, let's be on our way!

–G Train

Overheard by: I wish this guy narrated all of my subway trips

Girl's in Queens for the first time: you can order milkshakes and cigarettes from the diner any time of night? This place is a fucking wonderland!

–Queens

Congrats, You’re Not Even as Classy as the SI Ferry

British bitch on cell: I’m surrounded by fucking morons who probably struggled through the NYC school system. We all know New Yorkers are the dumbest. They can’t even read. They haven’t had a Latin education and they probably can’t even speak another language…I didn’t want to get a limo to take to the fuckin’ ghettos of Brooklyn. I didn’t want to take a cab because these uneducated people don’t understand directions. I didn’t want to spend $30 and not get to the right place…Please make sure my car gets fixed. I’ve been reduced to the humiliation of taking public transportation. Now the second part of my fucking nightmare begins. I have to take the subway! I’m dressed like a commoner. I didn’t want to wear a $5000 Chanel suit on a seat that hasn’t been cleaned…She’s letting us borrow her castle for our wedding. If they can’t afford to be there, they obviously don’t deserve to come. –Staten Island Ferry Overheard by: Christine

Wednesday One-Liners Won't Go to Brooklyn to Eat

Elderly woman yelling at man looking at map: Where you going? What color is your train? Is it yellow or orange? This train is green. You should get on a red train. (singing) Red, orange, yellow, green, blue. Oh, and brown. Can't forget that. Just don't go to Brooklyn. No. No. No-o-o-o. Not there.

–4 Train

Overheard by: Sunny

Girl on phone: My friend said that's probably why I don't like Brooklyn–because I have the night of the living dead outside my window…

–Amsterdam & 112th

Upper East Side man: If you really want to rough it, go to Brooklyn.

–84th & 2nd

Little girl shouting: Everyone in this entire building is going to Brooklyn!

–Grand Central

The Gates Changed New York Forever

Elderly woman: Excuse me, do you know where 81st Street is? We’re trying to get to the highest point in the park to see The Gates. A NYer points out the way. After she leaves, he says: I’m pretty sure I gave her the wrong directions, but I think she’s high enough. –The Ramble Overheard by: Nathan K. Claus Guy: Man, this will really put New York back on the map. –The Gates Suit: Excuse me, I wanted to ask you about your [big orange] wig. Are you advocating your support for The Gates or are you commenting on how crazy and trivial they are?
Guy: Uh…what wig? –The Gates Overheard by: Greg Rutter Boy: Mom! Was that “art”?
Mother: No, Michael. That was laundry. –Central Park Overheard by: Darko Vraither Old woman #1: Isn’t it lovely?
Old woman #2: Well, I wouldn’t call it art, but I’m certainly glad New York has something to amuse it during the month of February. –MoMA roof Overheard by: Michael Bracy