Cheerful female conductor: This is the express train. That means it's not not not not not not not the local train. Don't screw up.
–Metro-North Rail
Overheard by: Lynne
Conductor: Behold! This is Woodside! Change here for the former Shea Stadium, now Mets-Willets point. Have a great time!
–LIRR
Conductor: After Syosset, the next stop will be express, directly to Hunters Point Avenue. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars.
–LIRR
Overheard by: morningcommute
Conductor: There is an uptown express train across the tracks. When the doors open, get off if you want to get off. Don't just stand there looking at it.
–Uptown 6 Train
Overheard by: Julie
Conductor, as doors open for passengers: Ladies and gentlemen, we know you've been waiting a long time for a train… (doors close abruptly) Wait for another.
–Q Train
Archive for the ‘Directions’ Category
Wednesday One-Liners Are Next to a Building Near a Starbucks, Okay?
Girl on cell, looking up: I don't know, nigga! I'm standin' in fronna some ancient castle or some shit.
–Wall St & William St
Southern guy on cell: No, seriously, there's shade on the side of the streets here! (pause) No… No, I know. (pause) I'm sitting on a bench, outside, in the shade!
–Central Park
Locationally-challenged woman on cell: I'm on the street, kinda near Blockbuster?
–Blockbuster, Broadway & 9th
Girl on cell: I'm not sure where I am, everything is Asian.
–Bakery, Chinatown
Middle-aged woman on cell: We're in Soho, and he has a three-legged dog.
–Bowery & Spring
Overheard by: Kaze
Raise Your Hand If You Have Trouble Remembering Directions
20-something woman: Which of these trains goes to Exchange Place?
Cop: You gotta take this train to Pavonia, then transfer to one going to the World Trade Center, and that'll take you to Exchange Place.
20-something woman, after pause: Never mind. (exits station)
–PATH Train
You Can Always Tell the Public Service Employees Who Have Kids
Well-dressed British lady: Driver, what's the next stop?
Bus driver: I'm not letting you off until you pay your fare. Don't ask me again.
–M31 Bus
Overheard by: Nora
Turns Out She Wanted to Eat at Subway.
Foreign hottie #1: Hello. Where is the subway?
Random girl: What subway?
Foreign hottie #2: Any subway.
Random girl: Well, where are you going?
Foreign hottie #1: The subway.
–2nd Ave & 1st St.
Overheard by: Bruce Lee
Jew Think?
Railway announcer: This is the train to Ronkonkoma, next stop Jamaica, Queens.
Little boy to dad: See, dad… I told you he said “yarmulke”!
–LIRR
Overheard by: Charlotte
Wednesday One-Liners Should Have Hired a Sherpa
Frantic woman: Excuse me, is this the train to Manhattan?
–Penn Station
Overheard by: oliver
Tourist to companion: We've left the village now, but I don't think this is Soho.
–Stanton & Orchard
Middle-aged woman in sharp looking suit: I thought Croatia was an Asian country in Europe.
–4 Train
Woman to friends: I had four kids today label New York in the middle of the Atlantic ocean. I am such a great teacher.
–Times Square
Overheard by: Mickey and Gabe
Try Asking Gandalf and Frodo
Overweight middle aged Southern tourist pointing to approaching train: Where is this train going?
Semi-annoyed girl: Queens.
Tourist: Yeah, but where is that?
Quite-a-bit-annoyed girl: Queens.
Tourist: Yeah, but where is that?
Deflated girl: It's… Never mind.
–1 Train
Overheard by: Melanie C.
I Think It's Screen-printed on an Ironic T-shirt Somewhere
Preppy girl, confused: Where are we right now?
Preppy guy: I don't even know.
Preppy girl: Where is the heart of Williamsburg? Is there even a heart of Williamsburg?
–The Brooklyn Kitchen, Williamsburg
Dads Just Love the Custodial Weekends
Little girl walking in wedding dress: Where now?
Dad: Okay, so we'll take the stairs to the subway and…
Little girl: Oh no! Not the stairs. No! I'm not taking the stairs. You can't make me. And the subway…? (scoffs at dad)
–Port Authority
Overheard by: WalkonBystander