Police officer: I thought you were in the Marines now.
Marine: Yeah, I ship out next week.
Police officer: I dream about having a job where I help people…
–Bagel Shop, Queens
Overheard by: Traczie
Archive for the ‘Dreams’ Category
…But Yes.
Little boy, singing: “Shattered dreams… Shattered dreams…” Mommy, do you have shattered dreams?
Mother: It's not on my iPod.
–R Train
Wednesday One-Liners Love the Rear Naked Choke
Girl to another: And she went to get into her car. I was like "you'd better get out of here or I'm gonna fuck you up." And she was all slamming the door and stopping over to me. And I was all in her face and bitch-slapped her. Well, that last part might have been a dream. But then she got into her car and left.
–NY Central Library
Overheard by: amused
Woman on cell: Hi, Annie! How are you? (pause) I'm going to get my ass kicked by a very big black man.
–Park Slope
Suit on cell: If you don't stop hanging up on me, I will kick you in the throat.
–Times Square
Guy on cell, very loudly: Yeah, but, so nobody knows about it except me and the other guys in the fight club.
–21st St & Broadway
Overheard by: Alex
20-something girl: And then she chloroformed me. (pause) I said that too loud.
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Russ
Night-Night, Wednesday-One-Liner Tight!
20-something girl: I mean, I can always sleep on top of him.
–Strawberry's, Queens Centre Mall
Overheard by: i like that option…
Man to friend: I keep having dreams about being with other women, and I've never had them before. I think it must be the time of year or something.
–Hudson River Park
Girl on cell: Well, he slipped me Ecstasy while I was sleeping…
–23rd St & 8th Ave
Guy on cell: That's awesome! (pause) That's awesome! (pause) Dude, that's like reverse Sleepaway Camp!
–27th & 2nd
Overheard by: liz
Nurse: I just want to stop having dreams of him saying "pap-smear pap-smear pap-smear…"
–Columbia University
Overheard by: p y l
Oh, That's Not Your Real Color?
Platinum blonde chick: I had another nightmare last night.
Friend: About what?
Platinum blonde chick: Dyeing my hair black.
–Elevator, Pratt Institute
Wednesday One-Liners Enjoy Team Sports
20-something guy on BlackBerry: No, he's not gay. I was in a fivesome with him, but he's not gay.
–L Train
Girl to gay friend after walking into gay bar: Dude, either find me a straight boy or two Asians that will let me watch.
–NYC
Girl to guy friends: I mean, he's okay he had the threesome–the guy was his best friend!
–8th St & 5th Ave
Angry woman on phone: While you're out having orgies I am doing the real work!
–Victorian Flatbush
Pretentious professor type in academic tone: My ex had unrealistic fantasies. She used to dream about being fucked by God and Satan and the same time. How could I live up to that?
–NYU
Your Answer Is Horribly Close to the Truth
English teacher: So tell me: why might Martin Luther King have written “I have a dream”? What was he trying to accomplish?
Ditzy blonde freshman, raising hand: Well, I mean, he was trying to free all the slaves. Duh!
–Wagner College
Overheard by: Rupert
This Would Make an Awesome Screenplay
Woman #1, seated at bar in restaurant: My daughter told me she was going to finish med school, then her internship, and then her residency… but before going into practice she was going to take time off to “follow her dream.”
Woman #2, seated at bar: What's her dream?
Woman #1: To become a professional wrestler.
–Restaurant, West Village
Sorry, Pal– One Of Your Editors Married Her First
Comedy show ticket seller: Hey! You dropped your scarf!
(girl with scarf around her neck rolls eyes)
Comedy show ticket seller: Hey, you must live here!
Girl: Yeah, and I work in this fucking area, and you tell me that every single night when all I want to do is go home. (looks at tourists listening) Just so you know, “free comedy show” means two drink minimum, and the so-called comedians are just dumb asses who are not not funny at all.
Comedy show ticket seller: Woah! Marry me, please. I'm not trying to be funny, you are fucking amazing!
Girl: Fuck you.
Comedy show ticket seller to tourists: I'm being serious, she's the woman of my dreams!
Tourists: What?
–Times Square
Wday 1 Lnrz — U Like?
Girl on cell: Sorry I texted you when you were giving birth.
–27th St & Park Ave
20-something girl: I kept saying, "I emailed a text to him!"
–Pub, 59th & 3rd
Overheard by: Bluetoothed them a postcard
20-something girl correcting her friend's text message: No, you don't need an apostrophe there. It's "hos," plural, not "of or pertaining to a ho."
–M15 Bus
Overheard by: Lauren
Guy with suitcase on cell: I sent him a text asking if I could stay at his place, and he said sure. I find out today he was being sarcastic.
–116th & Broadway
Student: Okay, it's 3:20. I think it's an appropriate time to text Ben and tell him I had a sex dream about him.
–Sarah Lawrence College
Overheard by: Anna