Archive for the ‘Dreams’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners for Stephen Colbert

Suit on phone: The dream was strange…we are in a library …I say something like "it's a liability." Then you said "your mom's a liability." That was it…I don't know. –Gramercy Park Overheard by: POLA Young suit to another: The world is not your oyster! –Bryant Park Overheard by: Amy Suit to another, as 30-something woman in skirt and high heels passes by: Yowza! And that ends our case study! –Madison Ave & 40th St Overheard by: Casey Stressed female suit: No one gives a fuck anymore. Everyone's just gonna do what they want. And any further complaints can be directed to my ass. –University St b/w 8th & Waverly Middle-aged Asian man in three-piece suit on cell: I mean, how can I live like Bond if I'm married? –46th St & Madison Ave Overheard by: dr. no, i dont do 20-something female suit on cell: Baby, I would love to go to dinner, but you have two options: dinner or sex. I only have time for one. –27th St & Park Ave

Sorry, Pal– One Of Your Editors Married Her First

Comedy show ticket seller: Hey! You dropped your scarf!
(girl with scarf around her neck rolls eyes)
Comedy show ticket seller: Hey, you must live here!
Girl: Yeah, and I work in this fucking area, and you tell me that every single night when all I want to do is go home. (looks at tourists listening) Just so you know, “free comedy show” means two drink minimum, and the so-called comedians are just dumb asses who are not not funny at all.
Comedy show ticket seller: Woah! Marry me, please. I'm not trying to be funny, you are fucking amazing!
Girl: Fuck you.
Comedy show ticket seller to tourists: I'm being serious, she's the woman of my dreams!
Tourists: What? –Times Square

Wednesday One-Liners Clean Everything Up Before Their Parents Get Back

Black woman in trashy outfit: And he said "But the party just started, bitch, I'll take you in a few hours!" and I was like, "Nigga please! My water just broke!" –Lower East Side Asian bimbo on cell: I just spoke to Percy and allegedly they threw a party after we were fired, to celebrate us getting fired…but we're people too. –181 & St Nicholas Overheard by: must not have liked you Hipster girl: My all-time dream is to be shot by the cobra snake at a party, with a cig in my hand and Paul* between my thighs. –NYU Dorm Overheard by: Dayn Tattooed guy on iPhone: Yeah, I'm bringing a 250-foot Slip 'N Slide! –7th & 13th St Overheard by: can I come to that party? Loud man on cell: Yo, son! Why didn't you invite to your party? Damn…c'mon! Remember that time the chick in a wheelchair was working us in the cab? Yeah, she was in a wheelchair! Remember we got a cab for her and put her in the cab? That's right–that was me! She was giving us both head. –BBQ Restroom, 8th Ave, Chelsea 20-something woman: Wait…when is it a rule to give the host a handjob? –Museum of Natural History Overheard by: Jazz

When I Chain You to the Treadmill Tonight, I’ll Be Doing It with Love

Middle-aged woman on her cell: Where are you? Don’t get the pizza, it’s too many calories. Just get a salad or something. Well, I only say that because I had a nightmare last night where you got big. It was awful. Oh, honey, come on I love you, stop.
I’m just saying, if you had a dream that a building was collapsing and a guy was about to walk into it, wouldn’t you say “stop”? Well, then we agree. –Pax Wholesome Foods, 6th & 40th

200 Wednesday One-Liners, and There's Nothing to Watch.

Professor: Do you guys watch American Idol? It's painful. –Lehman College Film student #1: It's kind of like Cloverfield meets The L Word. –Waverly Place & Broadway Valley girl wearing UGGs, pointing to Guggenheim: Oh! I think this is the building where Blair and Serena live! –Outside of Guggenheim Really effeminate 40-something man: I always pick up when he calls, and he was so mad I didn't this time… but I couldn't, because I was still in mourning over American Idol! –114th & Broadway Overheard by: Melissa Queer to female friend: I was watchin' Oprah the other day. Oprah is legit! She had Christina Applegate on. You know, that girl from Married with Children and she was talkin' 'bout her breasts. She got breast cancer and they took both of them off! She had on of them lumpectomies. –J Train Guy: That's the new American dream–fuck up your life so much that you get your own tv show. –Fundraising Walk, Battery Park Overheard by: Harriet Vane