Archive for the ‘Drinks’ Category

You Won’t Be Laughing When the “Juicy” Diet Takes America by Storm

Drunk black woman #1: No, you gotta put cocoa butter on your legs and drink water. Water keeps your body juicy!
Drunk black woman #2: Jui-cy! Bam-bam!
Drunk black woman #1: That’s right, water keeps you juicy… [Sees young Asian woman smiling at them] Oooh, she know what I’m talkin’ about! She exotic… She an Asian girl.
Drunk black woman #2: Bam-bam!
Drunk black woman #1: Yeahhh… She know what I’m talkin’ about… Oh, shit, it’s our stop… Thank God, because I’m ’bout to squat down somewhere! [Both stagger off train.]

–1 train

Overheard by: amused

Sadly, That’s the Best Offer I’ve Had All Year

Fanboy #1: Man, I hope we have time to get drinks at the bar. And a smoke, I could use a smoke.
Fanboy #2: This is crazy. A line for the men’s room — I can’t believe all the urinals are taken. Man, I gotta piss. Say, do you want to share one?
Fanboy #1, horrified: A urinal?!
Fanboy #2, quickly: No! A drink!

–New World Stages

Wednesday One-Liners: The Forgotten Borough

Girl on cell: He's thinking of moving to Queens, and really I don't think we're going to be able to last through that.

–1 New York Plaza

Pretty 20-something on phone: So, I mean, I totally have a newfound appreciation for homicidal rages. Who the hell would ditch me for some ugly fag from Queens? Seriously, I should kill him. Or, just leave him in Queens…forever. Would that be a war crime?

–Wall Street

Overheard by: …I almost asked

30-something suit to another: I'll tell you though, it's not easy getting laid in Queens.

–Court St. & Montague

Overheard by: Kaiti

Enthusiastic, articulate conductor: As you can see, we're at the 21st Street stop! This is the first stop in Queens, soooo welcome to Queens! The next and final stop on this train is Courthouse Square. Now that we all know, let's be on our way!

–G Train

Overheard by: I wish this guy narrated all of my subway trips

Girl's in Queens for the first time: you can order milkshakes and cigarettes from the diner any time of night? This place is a fucking wonderland!

–Queens

Wednesday One-Liners in Tasseled Loafers

Suit: There are two kinds of people in this world: Those with MBAs from Harvard, and us.

–6th & 55th

Overheard by: Dan

Agitated suit on cell: A dime is worth less than a dime. A dime is worth less than a dime!

–Starbucks, Times Square

Overheard by: Ladle

Suit to another: People are stupid, and the ones that aren't stupid are dumb!

–Madison & 49th

Suit: So Jake had this Mustang, right? And then every time he'd go to the circus they'd treat him like shit.

–59th & Lexington

Overheard by: i'll take the mustang

Suit to sandwich maker: Give me one with extra juice, so I can let it drip down my chin.

–Deli, 33rd & 7th

Suit on cell: That's stupid! Just put it in a bag and throw it in the river!

–23rd & Lexington

Overheard by: tallnawkward

Big, Fake Ones

Columbia student volunteer: So, who knows what soy milk is?
Fourth grade girls: [Silence.]
Columbia student volunteer: Well, soy milk tastes like milk, but it’s made with beans.
Fourth grader: Hold the phone — beans has titties?

–P.S. 125

Overheard by: alexandra

I'd Like to Have My Life Catered

Overbearing mother, discussing wedding registry: Get a teapot.
Obnoxious squeaky-voiced bride-to-be: But I don't drink tea!
Overbearing mother: Someone might come over who does. Get a coffee thing, too.
Obnoxious squeaky-voiced bride-to-be: But I don't know how to make coffee! That's what Starbucks is for!

–Bouchon Bakery, Columbus Circle

Overheard by: office peon