Archive for the ‘Druggies’ Category

I'm About Twelve and a Half Hours Gay

Coked-out girl: Your friend is hot. Is she gay?
Drunk girl: I don't know. Are you gay?
Coked-out girl: I like the way Shakira puts it. (singing) “Whenever, wherever, we're meant to be together.”
(later on)
Coked-out girl
: Are you as straight as the day is long?

Drunk girl: Um, it depends…how long is the day?
Coked-out girl: Fourteen hours.

–Sophie's, 5th & Ave A

Overheard by: amazed

Get Embarrassing Stains Out With Wednesday One-Liners!

Woman on cell: I didn't take a bath with your dog!

–Long Island Railway

Overheard by: Jeff

Smug girl to gaggle: No, these are my period pants. My mom washed them for me!

–Columbia University

Overheard by: bih.

Very loud crackhead to nobody in particular: Today is great day…I got my pussy washed and I got new crutches.

–14th St

Overheard by: Cuttie

Middle aged man to another: I miss seeing my wife do squats while cleaning the tub.

–Central Park Loop

Overheard by: Nick Kinling

Woman with awful red lipstick: I am too lazy to shower. Ooh! Did I tell you I discovered dry shampoo?

–Broadway & 112th

Overheard by: do us a favor and bathe

Teenage girl to another: I don't know what the fuck he's talking about…I wash my titties everyday with Lever2000.

–D Train

Overheard by: Derrick Walker

The Devil Wore Wednesday One-Liners

Man on phone: Well, I got a shirt but it wasn't quite what I was looking for, so I'm gonna go to Whole Foods and get some breadsticks.

–Astor Place

Older, bespectacled white male at table with wife: Motherfuckin' tube socks…

–Jazz Standard, 27th & Park

Overheard by: V

6'6" man (earnestly): Honestly, if I were Hillary, I would never wear a pantsuit! You know what I mean?

–Bellevue Hospital

Overheard by: Ingwall

Cracker: I hate fighting rastas. Man, I really do. It's those hats…you never know what they're hiding in those fuckin' hats!

–Marcy & Broadway

Man: Do you realize you just offended a man carrying an organic tote bag?

–6 Train

Overheard by: wb

Barfly to bartender: Is that your belt or a wrinkle in the fabric of time?

–Thirsty Scholar, 2nd Ave & 10th St

Overheard by: Jas

Wednesday One-Liners Go Looking for a Vein

Girl #1 to girl #2: Wouldn't you just rather have a night where we just get really high and scissor?

–Grand & Union, Brooklyn

Guy on cell: So they're smoking crack and fucking on his mother's bed!

–17th & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Dave

Little kid: Look, I'm on crack!

–Apple Store, Staten Island Mall

Overheard by: Robert

Junkie to junkie companion, standing in front of Band-Aids: I need to test positive for methadone and negative for everything else…

–Walgreens, Union Square

Hobo on train: Does anyone have any money for me? Any food? Any opium? Lots and lots of opium?

–Uptown 6 Train

Overheard by: left my opium stash at home

20-something blond girl on cell: You just have to convince them that you care more about college than you do about drugs, and they'll give you another chance…that's what I did!

–Chinatown Bus

Overheard by: GavinJoyce

Tourist: So I called her up and said, "Come down or you're going to miss breakfast, and I want to have breakfast with you." And all she said was, "I really like opium." and I was like, "Oh, okay."

–33rd & 7th

Overheard by: EthanK

Ad: Still the Healthiest Thing You Can Buy at McDonald's

(man is eating, drug dealer sits at his table)
Dealer
: An eight ball, right?

(man's cell rings, he answers)
Man (into cell)
: I'm… at the gym. (pause) Yeah, and this call has made me one of those annoying people on the phone at the treadmills. I'll call you later. (to dealer) Yeah, an eight ball.


–McDonald's, The Village

Overheard by: soccerboy

Wednesday One-Liners Are Going Through a Dry Spell

50-year-old female crackhead hobo chasing a 30-year-old male post office worker: Why won't you fuck me? Come fuck me! Are you too scared to fuck me?!

–50th St & 5th Ave

Man talking to stranger outside peep show: No, no, no. This is a peep show. If you want to fuck someone, you have to go somewhere else.

–8th Ave, Midtown

Horny NYU hipster: I haven't had sex in 3 months! If I were a heroin addict I'd have been clean for 2 months already!

–NYU

Loud middle-aged woman on cell: And I was like, "Don't worry, lady, I'm not getting any action!"

–Stuyvesant Town

Overheard by: the libbernator

Old man to old lady: No, I will not bonk you!

–Avenue J & E 12 St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Robert

And Watch Pop-Up Videos

Homeless druggie chick: I'm waaay smarter than you!
Homeless druggie dude: No way, I'm crazy smart and shit.
Homeless druggie chick: Well, I know tons of shit that you don't, like that Manhattan is the only city in America that doesn't have a Main Street, and that mosquitoes have 47 teeth!
Homeless druggie dude (very impressed): Daaamn you are smart! How did you know that?!
Homeless druggie chick: I read Snapple caps, bitch!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Kiki