Archive for the ‘Drugs’ Category

I’ve Been Meaning to Ask Mom and Dad Where They Got Those

Chick: Yeah, I’ve been dating my new boyfriend for two years now. About to make the big move into Brooklyn. Really exciting, except Brooklyn’s so scary. We saw some neighborhoods that I really don’t think I could walk around in late at night.
Dude: Yeah, but the East Village can be like that, too. The other day, there was this couple having a fight over their crack pipe. There were children present! But then they saw the kids and took it somewhere else.
Chick: Yeah, there were some people smoking crack at my birthday party, but I just thought they all had really fancy cigarette holders. –L train, between 1st Ave & Bedford

Wednesday One-Liners Go Looking for a Vein

Girl #1 to girl #2: Wouldn't you just rather have a night where we just get really high and scissor? –Grand & Union, Brooklyn Guy on cell: So they're smoking crack and fucking on his mother's bed! –17th & 8th Ave Overheard by: Dave Little kid: Look, I'm on crack! –Apple Store, Staten Island Mall Overheard by: Robert Junkie to junkie companion, standing in front of Band-Aids: I need to test positive for methadone and negative for everything else… –Walgreens, Union Square Hobo on train: Does anyone have any money for me? Any food? Any opium? Lots and lots of opium? –Uptown 6 Train Overheard by: left my opium stash at home 20-something blond girl on cell: You just have to convince them that you care more about college than you do about drugs, and they'll give you another chance…that's what I did! –Chinatown Bus Overheard by: GavinJoyce Tourist: So I called her up and said, "Come down or you're going to miss breakfast, and I want to have breakfast with you." And all she said was, "I really like opium." and I was like, "Oh, okay." –33rd & 7th Overheard by: EthanK

For the Last Time Dad, Marijuana Is NOT a Vegetable

Street performer: I declare today the “Eat Vegetables and Dance Day”!
Tourist to son: See, I told you all New Yorkers are crazy and high. –South Street Seaport Headline by: AlpacaHoss Runners-Up:
· “As a Perfectly Sane Dance-Eater, I Take Exception to That Remark” – Upstanding New Yorker
· “Does She Mean the People or the Rent Payments?” – Uncle Bling
· “Now Lettuce Boogie Out Of Town” – Kevin Babbles
· “Now Let´s Go to McDonald’s, and I’d Better Not See Those Hips Shaking” – Laura
· “Now Stop Dancing and Eat This Bacon” – Jesse
· “Richard Simmons Tries to Restart His Career” – sweatin to the oldies
· “What and Break My Perfect Morbidly Obese Record?” – Nota Fatty
· “You Laugh Until You Realize That New Yorkers Get the Day Off From Work” – BabakganoosH
Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Wednesday One-Liners– IQ: 180 Social Skills: -57

Professor: Why do people take drugs? Because their lives suck. That's right…all of you. –Manhattan College Chemistry professor, discussing quantum physics: If you beat on something hard enough, you can get it to do what you want! –St. John's University, New York City Property professor, after playing Barbra Streisand's version of "Not While I'm Around": Now, is that the same song as Steven Sondheim's version in Sweeney Todd?? (dreamily) Well, when Barbra Streisand does a song…is it ever the same song? –St. John's Law School Overheard by: Cori Professor: If Obama wins the election, I'll buy you all beer. –The Cooper Union Professor: So the way Saint Augustine broke the Lord's commandment not to steal (nobody in class is listening) Was all just his way of honoring the Lord's law, by creating his own. It's sort of like when you have a child that's not allowed to stay up past nine but he knows his parents can stay up as late as they want, so in an act of rebellion he smears his shit all over the walls. –NYU Professor: Now, for your presentations, there is a time limit. If you go over nine minutes, I will cut you. (silent pause) …off. –City College of New York

Crossing Delancey (A NYC Short Story)

I had just missed the train and was waiting on the bench at the end of the platform when a ragged looking crazy man starts pacing around in front of me. He says to himself: …and when I don’t take my medication, I get a little crazy, but I don’t like to take it because it makes me feel different…New Yorkers are all rude. In New Jersey they’ll say “Hi” back to you and ask how you are doing. New Yorkers are all rude or scared. Crazy man sits a seat down from me. I am a typical computer tech: glasses, chunky, and neat. I am looking straight at the tracks, ignoring him. Crazy man: This city’s full of queers and niggers and geeks, yeah geeks. He looks at me and says: They’re all rude or scared. Scared that you’ll beat them. Beat on them. You know what I mean? I don’t answer and am looking away from him. Crazy man: See! See! Rude…scared. He opens a NY Post. Crazy man: Look at all these murders. All these people dying. Ever think they deserved to die, though? I get up and walk all the way to the other end of the platform. The F train comes and I get on and sit down. I hear a voice next to me: Ever get the feeling you’re being followed? –Delancey Street station Overheard by: Matt

If It’s That Much Fun, You Weren’t Doing the Right Drugs

20-Something guy #1: I loved rehab.
20-Something guy #2: I did, too.
20-Something guy #1: You know, I’m so grateful for the friends. –19th & 8th Overheard by: Sebastian White
Headline by: Adam Nathan
· “And Don’t Forget the Free Detox Poncho” – Toby
· “And By ‘Friends,’ He Means ‘Points of Reference.'” – Jessica P.
· “And Your Daughters Appreciate Not Having to Say They Fell Down the Stairs at School” – Fake Jew
· “However, My Intervention Was a Bore.” – Sean
· “If I Ever Get Lonely, I Know I Can Just Relapse.” – Colin McCleod
· “It’s Hard to Find People Who Understand My Smurf Porn Addiction.” – John
· “Its Just Like Summer Camp! But With No Blow” – Liss
· “So No One Told Ya Life Was Gonna Be This Wayyy (Clap, Clap, Clap, Clap)” – pete
· “That’s Spelled F-I-E-N-D-S” – Bostonian
· “They Were The Mayo On My Cold Turkey” – Hellboy
· “You Should See the Support at the Sexaholics Meeting” – Mike

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Wednesday One-Liners Carry Razor Blades and a Mirror

Thug on cell: Will I accept payment in what? In coke? Fuck no, I won’t accept an eight-ball as payment. No. No way, bitch, I don’t care how pure it is. Uh-uh, the only coke I do comes in five dollar rocks. I can’t afford to get hooked on that expensive shit. –49th & 7th Oveheard by: Prefers the expensive shit Drunk guy, to his date: The reason I’m buying all of this coke is so that we can fuck. –6th St, between 2nd & 3rd Ave Overheard by: Danielle Girl: Can you imagine saying your vows when you’re that coked up? –Remsen St, Brooklyn Heights Party girl: Oh my God, she took a picture of me one time while I was doing a line, and I was, like, so pissed! –Sheep’s Meadow, Central Park Dude: America runs on cocaine. –W Broadway Overheard by: ritajones Goth chick: I just want to buy some fucking groceries so we don’t spend all our money on coke. –Whole Foods, 14th St

Wednesday One-liners for Adoptionists

Crazy woman: I’m still alive and breathing, thank you very much, despite the best efforts of the Devil. –Food Court, Grand Central Overheard by: Rich Mintz