Archive for the ‘Drunks’ Category

You Have to Quit Drinking, Mary, You’re Pregnant!

Drunk girl: What, you think you have a 25-inch dick? I’m not afraid of a 25-inch dick! I haven’t seen your magnum dick! Show me your magnum dick! Take a magnum condom and put it on a corn cob! I didn’t see your magnum dick! [Gets on train.] Diiick! Maybe there are some babies on the train, so I’ll be quiet. They don’t know what a big dick is. [Points at female riders] But they know what a big dick is! They know why they didn’t get on the train! I’m not afraid of a big dick! I didn’t see his big dick! [To male rider] You’re not afraid of a big dick, are you? If I had a big dick, I would push it up on someone. I wouldn’t care if they didn’t want it. [More people get on.] You’re not afraid of a big dick, Sparkly Jacket Man! Sparkly Jacket! You like a big dick, Hot Blue-Jacket Girl? It’s the holidays! We should have cheer! Let’s pray! Pray to Christ! Dear Christ and your big dick, you thrust forth and created this great nation with your sperm, Christ. Pray with me to Christ and his big dick!
Women having own convo: Yeah, so Jerry Seinfeld is coming, and my boss wanted me to get tickets.
Drunk girl: Ohhh, Seinfeld is coming! You guys like a big dick? Christmas spirit! I love all y’all. I want to give every one of you a kiss on the cheek! And a glass of champagne! Christmas spirit! With your big dick! –L train Overheard by: Anna

Scarlett Johansson's Wearing Wednesday One-Liners This Season

(Asian tourist walks onto subway with large panda-head shaped hat)
Random guy: Take off that silly ass hat! –Uptown 1 Train Guy: When I wear my other coat, I look like a yak. –Mott St Overheard by: robin Thug to friend: I totally know fashion designers. I know who Hill-finger is. –Thompson Street, SoHo Drunk guy to orthodox Jew: Nice lid. –Near Herald Square Guy walking out of subway: Then she came in and told me to put the mask on. –6 Train Overheard by: Sarah History teacher to class: Now, if you want a decent straw hat, do not make one. –Millennium High School Overheard by: Adriana

The Island of Dr. Wednesday One-Liners

Man on cell: Was there a lot of bleeding? [unintelligible reply] Well, was it four sheep or five? [reply] We have to find a way to separate the cows from the sheep. –Elevator, 56th & 8th Drunk girl, yelling: All I want is a llama! Another cocktail and a llama! –Terminal 5 Dude: So you’re enjoying acting, LA, monogamy, horses? –Cafe Esperanto Chick to friend: I don’t care how well you clean it, I am not doing shots out of that alligator! –TriBeCa Overheard by: lalala Swanky pin-stripe suit on cellphone: The little shit will definitely get approved. He’s as healthy as a French gay ox. –51st & 3rd Overheard by: IG Young black dude: You know the movie The Lion King? Yeah The Lion King! …You know, the one with all the tigers. –4 Train Overheard by: BQM lady Man: Manatees are the most peaceful creatures in the world… They get hit by motor boats! –Astor Place