Archive for the ‘Duane Reade’ Category

This Is a Drawing of a Teapot, Ma’am

Pharmacist, coming out from behind counter: So how can I help you?
British tourish: Well, I have a headache and a bit of a sore throat and [pulls out piece of paper, shows to pharmacist] I am not sure, but I think this is illegal in the United States.

–Duane Reade, 47th & Lexington

Overheard by: EthanK

Wednesday One-Liners Eat Boogers

Man on cell: It's a swollen, pus-filled sebaceous cyst…

–Nathan's, West 32nd St

Overheard by: SuzeV

Chick leaving Duane Reade (exposing armpit): Air it out baby, air it out!

–Duane Reade, 14th & 1st

Overheard by: Lillian

Guy to friends: I'm just gonna rub my shit all over her face. All over!

–96th and Broadway

Fat girl on cell: Oh my god, seriously. My mom is *so* nasty whenever we go out to eat somewhere. I'm not kidding. Like, she is *never* happy where we get seated, and she's like, "This silverware is smudgy! This glass has grit in it! The lighting is awful! The tectonic plates of this location are shifting, I demand a patio table!" I try to be as nice as I can to the wait staff to make up for her. Seriously. I've seen waiting. Please don't shave your asscrack hair into my food because my mom was a douchenozzle.

–jet blue terminal, jfk

Overheard by: now questioning my pizza ingredients

Girl on cell: Yeah, you pretty much have the same body functions when you're dead as when you're alive. It's gross, but I love it.

–Mercer b/w 3rd & 4th

Overheard by: Threw up in my mouth a little bit

The Best Things in Life Are Wednesday One-Liner

Woman on cell: Why aren't you looking for some boy to do it for free?

–E 3rd & 1st Ave

Overweight MTA worker with megaphone: Free shuttle buses to Utica Ave. Follow the crowd. Free shuttle buses to Utica Ave. Follow the crowd. No shirt, no shoes: no service!

–Franklin Ave Subway

Overheard by: Jesus Jon

Homeless guy: Free boogers! Get your free boogers!

–8th & 6th

Overheard by: Zack

Old woman with glass of wine and full plate, stumbling out onto the sidewalk: Ha! It's free! Everyone, free food! Ha!

–Open House Art Exhibition, 106th St & Broadway

Guy giving out free pens: Come on, don't be shy! Come get your free pens! This is New York City, only thing you're gonna get for free are these pens and your mother's love.

–Kimmel, NYU

Wanna-be thug eating ice cream: Wanna know how much I paid for this? S'free! I stole it.

–125th St & Broadway

Overheard by: EthanK

Hobo stopped for stealing a box of bottled water: But Obama's President! Everything should be motherfucking free for the next 279 years!

–Duane Reade

Wednesday One-Liners Expand Their Fecabulary

Cyclist: So he was all, "my shit is your shit," and I thought, "that's the most romantic thing I've heard."

–Central Park

Dude on cell, checking out sunblock: They don't have shit here. SPF 15 is too high!

–Duane Reade, Flushing

Toddler that dropped his toy: Oh, shit!

–7th Ave, Park Slope

10-year-old boy to friend: That was like the first time I ever took a shit in a public bathroom.

–2nd Ave & 9th St

Man in baggy jeans walking with gusto: Oh, yes, oh yeah. She wanted my shiiit… She wanted my shit!

–6 Train

Chick to friends: He is totally going to shit a tampon!

–84th St & Amsterdam

Don’t We All, Buddy

New Indian cashier: I don’t have any change. How do I get more change?
Old Indian cashier: Call on the intercom for the manager to come to the front.
New Indian cashier, over intercom: Manager to the front, please. I need change, please. I badly need change.

–Duane Reade, 50th & Broadway

I’m Not Sure a Finger Is a Comprehensive Response

Soccer mom: I dropped a twenty dollar bill last time I was in here, like, two weeks ago. Did anybody find it and turn it in?
Cashier: Ya know, we’ve gotten so many twenties turned in this month, you’re going to have to identify yours. Whats the serial number?

–Duane Reade, Columbus Ave

Overheard by: Veronica at www.lonelyroadsandpsychopaths.com