Gluttony
Cashier lady: Damn, thank the Lord it's Friday! I'ma go to the heights and get me some margaritas and some quesadittas and get drunk and fat and happy. Damn!
–Duane Reade
Overheard by: Sam
Lust
Woman to male friend: Oh, that sucks! I'm such a whore…
–5th Ave & 12th St
Greed
Teenager on school field trip eating sushi and talking to chaperon: Daddy, can I borrow some money for the gift shop? My credit card is down to its last $200.
–Metropolitan Museum of Art Cafe
Sloth
Hipster, seeing that there was construction on the train: Ugh, what are we–going to have to walk places now?
–L Train
Wrath
Library staff: Group study room people, we know who you are. Because we have your IDs. Please come downstairs and pick them up so we don't have to unleash our wrath on you.
–Brooklyn College Library
Envy
Two woman walking tall dog: I mean… can you believe that I used to carry him in my Givenchy bag and wrap him in cashmere as a puppy? I would be jealous!
–Bleecker & Spring
Pride
Girl, grabbing her ass: Don't you just love my ass? My ass rocks. I love my ass!
–Battery Park
Archive for the ‘Duane Reade’ Category
…Hint, Hint.
Duane Reade employee, pointing to back of store: You can't go in there, the floor's just been waxed.
Swaying drunk girl: So has my vagina, that doesn't mean people aren't allowed in there!
–Duane Reade
Um, Didn't He Once Throw a Phone at His Assistant?
20-something girl, holding SpongeBob Square Pants playing cards: Look at the cards I'm getting!
Friend, shrieking and shaking: But I hate SpongeBob!
Woman, walking by: Why? He's nice.
–Duane Reade
Overheard by: Anna
What Happens to Hugh Hefner's Exes, 20 Years Later
Girl #1: Wow, the Easter Bunny stuffed animals are on sale.
Girl #2: Let's buy some for your sister.
Crazy lady: You can buy one bunny. You can buy lots of bunnies! And then they'll take you away!
–Duene Reade
Overheard by: Bunny Attack?
Wednesday One-Liners Expand Their Fecabulary
Cyclist: So he was all, "my shit is your shit," and I thought, "that's the most romantic thing I've heard."
–Central Park
Dude on cell, checking out sunblock: They don't have shit here. SPF 15 is too high!
–Duane Reade, Flushing
Toddler that dropped his toy: Oh, shit!
–7th Ave, Park Slope
10-year-old boy to friend: That was like the first time I ever took a shit in a public bathroom.
–2nd Ave & 9th St
Man in baggy jeans walking with gusto: Oh, yes, oh yeah. She wanted my shiiit… She wanted my shit!
–6 Train
Chick to friends: He is totally going to shit a tampon!
–84th St & Amsterdam
“Luke, I Am Your Wednesday One-Liner”
Student to professor: Yeah, man, you know, because every time I slap you five, now I feel like I'm slapping your father's ass.
–Suffolk County Community College
Overheard by: Wish I was paying attention
Trashy sista' on cell: Did you know you've been nominated for an award? (pause) Yeah, I know! I mean, it's just nice to even be nominated, issa' honor. Yeah, you wanna know whacha been nominated for? You been nominated for the world's biggest deadbeat daddy!
–Duane Reade
Overheard by: I don't work here
Demi-bum to another, looking at postcards at a convenience store: Oh, I want to send a postcard to my father: Doing shitty, wish you cared!
–Fulton & Water
Teen girl to friend: Of course I got him tested!…but he wasn't the father either.
–145th & Broadway
Guard: Did you hear about that 9-year-old girl who gave birth to her own twin? I'm serious! It was inside her stomach and then she gave birth to it. And the craziest part is that the twin was from another father!
–74th & Madison
Latina girl to friend: You know, I don't even know what I saw in that loser. I should've dumped his ass the first time he tried hitting on my dad!
–58th & 6th
Overheard by: Tim J.
Would You Like One, Though?
Duane Reade cashier: Do you have a club card?
Crazy hobo: No, I don't have a club card. I work my way through this life. I don't need nobody doin' me no favors. A favor is like a handjob. I don't need one.
–Duane Reade
People Who Live in Glass Houses Shouldn't Throw Wednesday One-Liners
Lady shouting into cell: Stop screaming in my ear! Stop screaming in my ear! Stop screaming in my ear!
–Flatbush Ave, Prospect Heights
Overheard by: Ja9
Deli cashier with heavy accent to West Indian man with heavy accent: I don't speak Jamaican! I speak English!
–Crown Heights
Overheard by: Holly
Man on crowd: Stop shoving! There are fucking kids here, watch out, asshole!
–Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: Alexis
Man walking with small kid on cell: Ain't no one cursing at yo! Fuck, why you got to be like that?
–Union Square
Overheard by: Heather
Woman on cell: I just hate for people to hear my conversations in public.
–Duane Reade, 34th & 8th
Overheard by: Nicole
The Best Things in Life Are Wednesday One-Liner
Woman on cell: Why aren't you looking for some boy to do it for free?
–E 3rd & 1st Ave
Overweight MTA worker with megaphone: Free shuttle buses to Utica Ave. Follow the crowd. Free shuttle buses to Utica Ave. Follow the crowd. No shirt, no shoes: no service!
–Franklin Ave Subway
Overheard by: Jesus Jon
Homeless guy: Free boogers! Get your free boogers!
–8th & 6th
Overheard by: Zack
Old woman with glass of wine and full plate, stumbling out onto the sidewalk: Ha! It's free! Everyone, free food! Ha!
–Open House Art Exhibition, 106th St & Broadway
Guy giving out free pens: Come on, don't be shy! Come get your free pens! This is New York City, only thing you're gonna get for free are these pens and your mother's love.
–Kimmel, NYU
Wanna-be thug eating ice cream: Wanna know how much I paid for this? S'free! I stole it.
–125th St & Broadway
Overheard by: EthanK
Hobo stopped for stealing a box of bottled water: But Obama's President! Everything should be motherfucking free for the next 279 years!
–Duane Reade
Wednesday One-Liners Are a Household Name
English teacher, telling student how to read play: Brian, you're like Martin Luther King meets 50 Cent!
–English Class, Bronx HS of Science
Overheard by: Lillian
Woman answering cell on bus: You saw Beyoncé? (everyone stares) Sorry. Did you say, "Hi, fiancée," or "I saw Beyoncé"?"
–126 Bus
Loud fat hipster chick: So she said I'm like Britney Spears with Lindsay Lohan's body, because my weight fluctuates like Lohan's. And I'm okay with that, because you know what? Lohan is a great celebrity. I mean, look, Kate Winslet is lovely and all, but what is she doing tonight? Sitting on a couch somewhere, drinking moderately probably. What is Lohan doing? Probably something really gay and coked up. I'd rather be gay and coked up than drinking moderately on a couch, any day of the week.
–Duane Reade
Overheard by: Jas
Metal kid: I smell like Robert Downey, Jr.
–Don Pedro's, Boerum & Manhattan, Brooklyn
Overheard by: LP
Hobo: I always thought Madonna was a trashy white cunt.
–Restaurant Row
Overheard by: Al-master
Guy to girl: You know, I'm sure you're a wonderful lover, and you don't need to be comparing yourself to Lance Armstrong. Like, that's just a fool's game.
–Park Slope
Overheard by: Helena