Archive for the ‘Erections’ Category

Scrooge Is a Lot Bigger and Blacker in the NC-17 Version Of A Christmas Carol

Big black charity worker: Would you like to sign and make a donation for the less fortunate children around this area?
Newly immigrated Asian lady No, no have money.
Big black charity worker, unfazed
: Okay. (starts walking away) Money makes my dick hard, I see Benjamins, I stay hard all day!


–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Chuhan Luo

Wednesday One-Liners Fade to Black

Slightly drunk kid from Alaska: I realized I had blacked out when I woke up on top of my sister.

–14th St

Overheard by: The Reverend

Young girl on cell: You passed out from him choking you? (pause) Like…does it…um…sting? Did he apologize at least? (pause) Ya know, it's not okay to get so fucked up that you don't know that he's choking you.

–Max Cafe

Overheard by: D to the ana

Loud girl on cell: Oh my god! Don't even worry about hitting on her too much, she was totally blacked out last night!

–Whole Foods Union Square

Overheard by: bildita

Preppy girl: Is "faint" a euphemism for "boner"?

–LaGuardia Airport

Overheard by: Diana

Why, Thank Ye Kindly, Grizzled Prospector Gal

Boy doing Chinese worksheet: This is so hard.
Friend: That's what she said!
(five minutes later)
Girl doing Chinese worksheet
: Oh my god, this is so hard.

Friend: That's what she said!
(five minutes later)
Another boy doing Chinese worksheet
: Dude, this is so hard.

Friend: That's what she said!
Girl at front of room: The next person to make that joke gets a pickaxe through the brain.

–Bard High School, Queens

Overheard by: Sunny

No Wednesday One-Liner, No Love

50-something beefy man in wife beater on cell: Yo! I've got a bag of condoms and Jolly Ranchers!

–14th & 6th

Overheard by: Funky Monkey

Preppy girl to friend on phone: I mean… I've had to take Plan B twice this week already!

–2nd Ave & 9th

Drunken street vendor: Buy these Obama condoms! Flavored with hope, they'll get you through "hard" times!

–Times Square

Woman on cell: I got home to take a shower and he stuffs a bunch of condoms in his pocket right in front of me and then walks out the door. I mean what the hell is that?

–Astor Place

Man to woman on escalator: Well, just next time, remember to use protection!

–Babies"R"Us, Union Square

Overheard by: miziz

This Is Not a Hard Problem

50-something yuppie guy to another: My wife just doesn't understand that men go through menopause too. It's not just a woman's problem. These past few months I can tell that I've begun my menopause.
Teenage girl sitting across from two yuppies: I'm pretty sure they call what you're going through “erectile dysfunction.”

–F Train

Overheard by: Sophia

It's High Noon on Wednesday One-Liners' Sun Dials

Girl to boyfriend: Your idea of romance is an 8-ball and trying to get a hard-on!

–12th & Broadway

Preppy girl: Nothing turns me on like carbon monoxide!

–Lucky Jack's

Overheard by: Argopelter

Excited suit: He came out of the womb with a woody!

–1st Ave & 10th

Overheard by: moodle

Girl on cell: I heart you like an erection!

–34th & 2nd

Jock/pretty boy: Dude, I don't know why but she'd always give me boners in the middle of class.

–St Marks & 2nd Ave

Chick: It's all erections and prostates, erections and prostates! Could we have our check, please?

–Arctica Bar & Grill, 3rd Ave & 27th St

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Game. Set. Match

Guy: You remember those Lycra bicycle shorts?
Friend: No.
Guy: … From the mid 90s?
Friend: No.
Guy: Well they were really tight.
Friend: Ok.
Guy: I used to wear them when I was younger and be really embarrassed when I got erections in them.
Friend: I used to jerk off with my dad’s dirty magazines. I would wrap them around my dick.

–Churchill’s

Overheard by: Veggie2001

Never Take Sex Advice From the Tin Man

Hipster guy #1: Just, like, wait for her to bend down to tie her shoe or some shit.
Hipster guy #2: Then I should put it in? Like, through her pants?
Hipster guy #1: What? You’ve never been that hard?

–Studio B, Brooklyn, NY

Overheard by: DJALLTHETIME

Headline by: blistexaddict

Runners-Up:
· “… But Do Vinyl Stretch Pants Work As a Contraceptive?” – I’m wearing them, just in case

· “It Cuts Through Anything, Even This Aluminum Can.” – Beery
· “It’s the Only Way I Got Any in Saudi Arabia” – master
· “Mary Could Never Quite Explain to Her Doctor How Her Tonsils Got Perforated.” – Jen
· “Oh Sure, That’s How I Sewed This Shirt.” – Taylor
· “Or Just Use That Knife Thing From Se7en” – BabakganoosH


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