Mom to tween daughter: Are you mad at me?
Tween daughter: No, I'm not mad at you.
Mom: Why aren't you mad at me? You have every right to be.
–NJ Transit
Archive for the ‘Ew, Jersey’ Category
Wednesday One-Liners, the People's Chariot
Ghetto fab bus driver : Hello and good morning. Welcome to the Bolt Bus, my name is Jacques and I'm going to be your operator today. We do appreciate your business. Well, I appreciate your business. For my nails. Getting my hair done. Yeah.
–BoltBus
Overheard by: Julie and Mark The Snob
Bus driver (as bus leaves Lexington stop): The stop after this stop will be the next stop.
(as bus turns into Central Park) Ladies and gentlemen, the next stop will be Central Park West. Please have your passports ready.
–Crosstown Bus
Bus driver over intercom (as bus passes Unisphere): Oh, everyone's from New York? Then y'all already know this spot! I can't tell you nothing! Bye.
–Shuttle Bus, Flushing Meadows Park
Conductor: Good morning! This is the bus dispatcher. It's a sunny 78 degrees on a beautiful Wednesday! I'm happy to report the bus lanes inbound to New York are slicing through traffic like a hot knife through butter! Enjoy your day, control center, out.
–NJ Transit Bus
Overheard by: Jerzey…CloseEnough
Conductor: Alright folks, remember to keep cool today and drink plenty of water. I recommend ya'll eat some Honey Nut Cheerios. Honey Nut Cheerios will make ya'll nicer to each other. Stay away from that bacon and eggs. Too hot. Yes, Honey Nut Cheerios. Have a nice day.
–B61 Bus
Overheard by: should have eaten breakfast
Wednesday One-Liners Are So Not the Freshmaker
Bimbette: I don't think I've ever been that grossed out during the day. It all started when that woman smelled like pee…
–6 Train
Overheard by: j
Female suit: We were above an Indian restaurant and he was banging me from behind. I could smell the curry, and while he was banging me I was gagging.
–NJ Transit
Chick: You smell like vag and pizza.
–Borders
Girl to friend, after bending head down into her: Damn my puss stank.
–E Train
Overheard by: Nicole
College guy (screaming at friend): Dude! How are you even in college?! You smell like Oust! You smell like Tropical Glade!
–1 Train
Concerned hipster: I know you just orgasmed, but what's that smell?
–E 9th & 3rd
Overheard by: Peanut
Which We Refer to As “It”
Hot Asian girl: Oh… So I saw “him” standing near the main stage.
Hot Asian girl's friend: Saw “him” as in “him”?
Hot Asian girl: No, saw best friend of “him”… We also refer to him as “him.”
Hot Asian girl's friend: Didn't you see best friend of “him” last night?
Hot Asian girl: No, actually saw “him” last night…and his wiener. (big smile)
–All Points West Festival
Overheard by: Caleb
Girls Just Can't Resist Forbidden Fruit
Boy: I'm gay.
Girl: (laughs)
Boy: But what if I was really?
Girl: Then I'd cop a feel.
–All Points West Festival
Overheard by: then I'm gay too
Wednesday One-Liners in Clear Heels
Woman on cell: I may or may not have just accidentally become a sex worker.
–40th & 9th
Overheard by: McFreaky
Attractive gay man to boyfriend: If I had a better body, I would be a prostitute.
–W 4th & 6th Ave
Overheard by: rpk
Girl to friends: Just slap me! Slap me like a Thai hooker, for god's sake.
–115th & Broadway
Overheard by: columbia undergrad
Five-year-old boy: Mom, what's a gigolo?
–6 Train
Overheard by: Justine
Woman yelling into a cell: For the love of god, I'm sleeping with men for crack. Do you really think that would mess with my list of priorities?
–2nd Ave & Houston
Overheard by: Wonders what the suggestion was
20-something woman on cell: Wait–am I in the sex industry?
–NJ Transit
Overheard by: Poogins
But That Gear Shaft Totally Consented
Drunk middle-aged woman #1: Yeah, but I don't think…
Drunk middle-aged woman #2: The cops in the state of New Jersey all have computers in their cars. They pulled him over, and he wasn't even doing anything!
Drunk middle-aged man #1: Well, what did they say to you?
Drunk middle-aged man #2: They said I was driving erotically.
–NJ Transit
But I Desperately Need a New Facebook Photo!
Mom: Give me my phone.
Son: Photo?
Mom: No, you cannot take a picture.
Son (sticking phone in the butt of his pants): Please.
Mom: No, it's too loud. At home…
–NJ Transit
You’d Think They’d Tailor Them More to Me
Conductor (over PA system): Make sure you pick up all your belongings… If you have small children, be sure to take them by the hand before leaving the train. Thank you for riding New Jersey transit, and have a great day.
Jersey girl (to suit): Now see, I don’t have children! They haven’t thought these announcements through.
–NJ Transit
That’s a Privilege I Reserve for My Clients
Guy: What do you do?
Girl: I’m a probation officer.
Guy: Oh, criminal or family?
Girl: Criminal.
Guy: Can I pee in your cup?
–NJ Transit
Overheard by: Paul