Archive for the ‘Excretions’ Category

The Best Things in Life Are Wednesday One-Liner

Woman on cell: Why aren't you looking for some boy to do it for free? –E 3rd & 1st Ave Overweight MTA worker with megaphone: Free shuttle buses to Utica Ave. Follow the crowd. Free shuttle buses to Utica Ave. Follow the crowd. No shirt, no shoes: no service! –Franklin Ave Subway Overheard by: Jesus Jon Homeless guy: Free boogers! Get your free boogers! –8th & 6th Overheard by: Zack Old woman with glass of wine and full plate, stumbling out onto the sidewalk: Ha! It's free! Everyone, free food! Ha! –Open House Art Exhibition, 106th St & Broadway Guy giving out free pens: Come on, don't be shy! Come get your free pens! This is New York City, only thing you're gonna get for free are these pens and your mother's love. –Kimmel, NYU Wanna-be thug eating ice cream: Wanna know how much I paid for this? S'free! I stole it. –125th St & Broadway Overheard by: EthanK Hobo stopped for stealing a box of bottled water: But Obama's President! Everything should be motherfucking free for the next 279 years! –Duane Reade

Wednesday One-Liners for Purity of Essence

Employee: Point is, I won’t waste anymore saliva on him! –Jamba Juice, Whole Foods, Columbus Circle Overheard by: stunned juice drinker Guy on cell: Yeah, man! It got all sticky icky in her gooey Louie. –In line for food, Bing Overheard by: caitlin Loud B&T chick on crowded sidewalk: You damn better tell me if there’s a booger hanging from my nose! –23rd & Broadway Overheard by: mk Dude: I like my anal leakage as much as the next guy. –B&H Restaurant, 2nd Ave Overheard by: E.F.S. Man: I didn’t mean to spit on Santa Claus — it just sort of happened. –Near Crew Cuts Overheard by: Dan Girl: He’s really sweaty to sleep with, I’ll tell you that. Him and Frank both. –110th & Broadway Overheard by: Al E. Ro Chick: Well, we were talking about projectile lactating… –Washington Square

Read These Wednesday One-Liners to Induce Vomiting

Guy: Once I told my friend Ivan that I like to eat my scabs, and he said he did too, so we ate each other scabs. –Park Slope Ugly drunk girl: Sometimes I pick people's noses. (pause) Usually nothing comes out! –LIRR, Huntington Line Overheard by: I Commuters Black guy on cell: Then I put KY all over her pussy, yo, and she wanted to spoon that shit up and eat it! –Lafayette St Man to family: Well, I've got to assume he's getting sick anyway, judging by the snot I just saw. –Grand Central Station Male law student: That's the good thing. You can scratch all day and it won't spread. –Fordham Law School 20-something receptionist: Urp! I think I just coughed up a fetus. I better Lysol the phone. –5th Ave Overheard by: BrooklynBorn

Wednesday One-liners Excreta

Guy: Baby, I gotta piss, shit…barf, burp, sneeze, all that crap. –Astroland Punk girl: Oh my God. If I see Jorge I’m going to poop my pants. –Randall’s Island Overheard by: Holly Kaye Woman: Do you know how nasty maxi pads are? It’s like a baby sitting in its own shit. It’s like me sloshing around in my own blood! –22nd & Park Overheard by: Sion Harrington Crazy lady: Can I get some privacy? I saw you peeking through the crack. All I wanna do is pee. Can I get some privacy? All I wanna do is pee. If you wanna see pussy, I can show you where to go but can I get some privacy? All I wanna do is pee! –Penn Station ladies’ room Overheard by: bebe Woman: Excuse me! If you’re going to pee on the seat do you think you could at least wipe it off when you’re done so the next person doesn’t have to sit in it? –Grand Central ladies’ room Dude on cell: …so I picked it up and there was, like, some brown stuff on it that I thought was, like, dirt. So I went to brush it off with my hand…but dude, it, like, wasn’t dirt…no… –Penn Station Overheard by: P. Mills Girl: Yo, this motherfucking butterscotch tastes like jizz! –Loews, 32nd & 2nd Overheard by: annie lin Woman on cell: I don’t even know how to wash his balls when they’re that dirty! –Grand Central Overheard by: cat verde Punk chick: Guys are so lucky they don’t have to bleed and when they do, it’s like, all manly. –Williamsburg Overheard by: Miss Amelia

I Hope No Men Find Out How Foul Women Can Be

Female yuppie #1: … And it was smeared all over the walls of the stall!
Female yuppie #2: Oh my god, that is so disgusting.
Female yuppie #1: Yeah, I can’t believe someone would do that at work.
Female yuppie #2: I can’t believe someone would do that ever! –South-bound G train Overheard by: Kevin

Bob Dole Has Fallen on Not-So-Hard Times

Pharmacist: Hi, sir, can I help you?
Old man: I need to refill my pills.
Pharmacist: Which pills, sir?
Old man: You know, my pills.
Pharmacist: Sir, you are on eight different medications. Can you maybe describe the color or shape of the one you want? Or maybe what it does?
Old man: I just want my pills, dammit!
Pharmacist: Sir, I can’t refill them if you don’t tell me what they are.
Old man: My pills! The blue ones! You know, the man-agra! –CVS/pharmacy Overheard by: Amused customer in line

In Russia, That’s Like a French Kiss

Man #1: I was cashing my check in Brighton Beach and this Russian dude almost hit my little brother. So I went and tapped on his window and you know the first thing I did?
Man #2: What’s that?
Man #1: I spit in his mouth. He opened up his mouth and got a mouthful of my spit. Then I started walking away and he got out of his car and was like 6ft 9, all basketball style. –Nathan’s at Coney Island Overheard by: Brad Benson

Wednesday One-Liners for the Thirteen-Year-Old in Everyone

Girl to friend: Whenever I get a really big booger, I feed it to the dog. –Apartment Building, Midtown Girl: And the doctor asked if she'd gone down on anyone lately, and she said "yeah, and when I was doing it, all these little bumps kept falling off in my mouth," and the doctor said "you have genital warts in your throat." –L Train Overheard by: atrain Man on cell: And he opened a can of worms, ate the whole thing and then spit it all into his friend's mouth. We were dry heaving. But everyone just looked at us weird. –1st & 15th Overheard by: Angela Preteen boy on cell: (belches) Huh? (belches again, loudly) What did you say? I can't hear you, I'm burping. –77th & 2nd Girl to friend: My dad would say, "don't send her chocolate, it makes mucus." –W 24th St & 10th Ave Overheard by: Fred Daubert