Guy on cell: It's not like I take my ear wax, put it on my penis, and use it as lube.
–Queens
Overheard by: Jess
Friends on stoop: Bro, did you see that ass? I would lick the fart out that ass!
–19th & 6th
Middle-aged yuppie, about club in Las Vegas: And I said "here's our check, and if another pubic hair falls in our drink, you're in trouble!"
–Times Square
Overheard by: Scott
Boy in car to mom: Hey mom, what about anal leakage?
–Brooklyn
Overheard by: Brenna
Guy to friend: She said she was stressed out studying for finals, I didn't realize that meant she hadn't been showering. As soon as I got there we started "hitting it". It was too late when I realized how dirty she was. Dude, I literally licked a layer of crust off her.
–3rd St b/w Ave A & B
Overheard by: saffrosun
Archive for the ‘Excretions’ Category
Is Anyone Crazier Than White People? Discuss.
Intelligent-looking girlfriend: How's she going to run a marathon in 60 minutes?
Intelligent-looking boyfriend, indifferently: It's impossible.
Intelligent-looking girlfriend: I mean, not even those crazy black people can run that fast.
Intelligent-looking boyfriend, unfazed: I know.
Intelligent-looking girlfriend: I mean, I can't even drive that fast in the city!
Intelligent-looking boyfriend: Um… I hope you can go 26 miles in one hour.
Intelligent-looking girlfriend: Oh, right. I'm sorry. I was thinking 60 miles an hour. It's the vodka talking. Now kiss me once nicely, without whiskers.
(two minutes later)
Intelligent-looking girlfriend: I remember the first time I showered with you and I had this big snot coming out my nose.
Intelligent-looking boyfriend: I remember the first time I slept with you, and farted a lot.
–1 Train
Overheard by: Rick
The Best Things in Life Are Wednesday One-Liner
Woman on cell: Why aren't you looking for some boy to do it for free?
–E 3rd & 1st Ave
Overweight MTA worker with megaphone: Free shuttle buses to Utica Ave. Follow the crowd. Free shuttle buses to Utica Ave. Follow the crowd. No shirt, no shoes: no service!
–Franklin Ave Subway
Overheard by: Jesus Jon
Homeless guy: Free boogers! Get your free boogers!
–8th & 6th
Overheard by: Zack
Old woman with glass of wine and full plate, stumbling out onto the sidewalk: Ha! It's free! Everyone, free food! Ha!
–Open House Art Exhibition, 106th St & Broadway
Guy giving out free pens: Come on, don't be shy! Come get your free pens! This is New York City, only thing you're gonna get for free are these pens and your mother's love.
–Kimmel, NYU
Wanna-be thug eating ice cream: Wanna know how much I paid for this? S'free! I stole it.
–125th St & Broadway
Overheard by: EthanK
Hobo stopped for stealing a box of bottled water: But Obama's President! Everything should be motherfucking free for the next 279 years!
–Duane Reade
My Casseroles Just Taste Like Boogers, Sweetie
Mother to son: Timmy, stop eating your boogers! It's disgusting!
Timmy: But it's tasty! You should try it too!
Mother, whispering: Oh, shit.
–Chelsea
Read These Wednesday One-Liners to Induce Vomiting
Guy: Once I told my friend Ivan that I like to eat my scabs, and he said he did too, so we ate each other scabs.
–Park Slope
Ugly drunk girl: Sometimes I pick people's noses. (pause) Usually nothing comes out!
–LIRR, Huntington Line
Overheard by: I <3 Commuters
Black guy on cell: Then I put KY all over her pussy, yo, and she wanted to spoon that shit up and eat it!
–Lafayette St
Man to family: Well, I've got to assume he's getting sick anyway, judging by the snot I just saw.
–Grand Central Station
Male law student: That's the good thing. You can scratch all day and it won't spread.
–Fordham Law School
20-something receptionist: Urp! I think I just coughed up a fetus. I better Lysol the phone.
–5th Ave
Overheard by: BrooklynBorn
Wednesday One-Liners for the Thirteen-Year-Old in Everyone
Girl to friend: Whenever I get a really big booger, I feed it to the dog.
–Apartment Building, Midtown
Girl: And the doctor asked if she'd gone down on anyone lately, and she said "yeah, and when I was doing it, all these little bumps kept falling off in my mouth," and the doctor said "you have genital warts in your throat."
–L Train
Overheard by: atrain
Man on cell: And he opened a can of worms, ate the whole thing and then spit it all into his friend's mouth. We were dry heaving. But everyone just looked at us weird.
–1st & 15th
Overheard by: Angela
Preteen boy on cell: (belches) Huh? (belches again, loudly) What did you say? I can't hear you, I'm burping.
–77th & 2nd
Girl to friend: My dad would say, "don't send her chocolate, it makes mucus."
–W 24th St & 10th Ave
Overheard by: Fred Daubert
Love Is Nothing Fancy, Sweetie
Girlfriend: And ya know what? Just fuck you, okay? If that’s what you think, fuck you!
(Boyfriend sneezes)
Girlfriend: Bless you.
Boyfriend: Thank you.
Girlfriend: Awwwww… that’s the nicest conversation we’ve ever had!
–Central Park
The Tank Was Pretty Much Empty at That Point
Girl, after writing essay: You know how she asked us to write what we thought?
Boy: Yeah.
Girl: I put down that I needed to blow my nose.
–NYU
Clean Up in Aisle Emily!
Girl #1: Yeah!. I get 80 mother fucking % off!
Girl #2: Doesn’t that just make you wet?
Girl #1: No. I’m pretty sure it makes me gush.
–27 & 7
Overheard by: sf
Headline by: kerm
Runners-Up:
· “And I Know When Someone Rips Me Off Because I Get A Yeast Infection” – Dan
· “And That Is What We Call a Jew-gasm!” – Andi
· “Coupon Booklets Are Essentially Free Porn” – Matt
· “Cuidado – Piso Jugoso” – Grantankerous
· “Sam Walton Can Still Get the Girls.” – wal-mart women calendar girl
· “Sounds Like You Got 100% Off, To Me” – T Bag
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Translation: “Die, Shrew. Die! Die!“
Wifey: Did you just see what happened?
Husband: Yes.
Wifey: That’s why you need to let people off the train first before you try to get on.
Husband: Okay.
Wifey: Next time, just follow me okay?
Husband, disgruntled: Okay.
[Wifey starts reading a book and hubby starts reading his morning newspaper.]
Wifey, glancing at husband: You really need to clean your ears out -you have a big piece of wax in your ear!
Husband: Thanks for letting me know.
Wifey: No problem.
–N Train