Archive for the ‘Excretions’ Category

Some Wednesday One-Liners to Make You Lose Your Appetite

Guy on cell: It's not like I take my ear wax, put it on my penis, and use it as lube.


Overheard by: Jess

Friends on stoop: Bro, did you see that ass? I would lick the fart out that ass!

–19th & 6th

Middle-aged yuppie, about club in Las Vegas: And I said "here's our check, and if another pubic hair falls in our drink, you're in trouble!"

–Times Square

Overheard by: Scott

Boy in car to mom: Hey mom, what about anal leakage?


Overheard by: Brenna

Guy to friend: She said she was stressed out studying for finals, I didn't realize that meant she hadn't been showering. As soon as I got there we started "hitting it". It was too late when I realized how dirty she was. Dude, I literally licked a layer of crust off her.

–3rd St b/w Ave A & B

Overheard by: saffrosun

Is Anyone Crazier Than White People? Discuss.

Intelligent-looking girlfriend: How's she going to run a marathon in 60 minutes?
Intelligent-looking boyfriend, indifferently: It's impossible.
Intelligent-looking girlfriend: I mean, not even those crazy black people can run that fast.
Intelligent-looking boyfriend, unfazed: I know.
Intelligent-looking girlfriend: I mean, I can't even drive that fast in the city!
Intelligent-looking boyfriend: Um… I hope you can go 26 miles in one hour.
Intelligent-looking girlfriend: Oh, right. I'm sorry. I was thinking 60 miles an hour. It's the vodka talking. Now kiss me once nicely, without whiskers.
(two minutes later)
Intelligent-looking girlfriend
: I remember the first time I showered with you and I had this big snot coming out my nose.

Intelligent-looking boyfriend: I remember the first time I slept with you, and farted a lot.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Rick

Read These Wednesday One-Liners to Induce Vomiting

Guy: Once I told my friend Ivan that I like to eat my scabs, and he said he did too, so we ate each other scabs.

–Park Slope

Ugly drunk girl: Sometimes I pick people's noses. (pause) Usually nothing comes out!

–LIRR, Huntington Line

Overheard by: I <3 Commuters

Black guy on cell: Then I put KY all over her pussy, yo, and she wanted to spoon that shit up and eat it!

–Lafayette St

Man to family: Well, I've got to assume he's getting sick anyway, judging by the snot I just saw.

–Grand Central Station

Male law student: That's the good thing. You can scratch all day and it won't spread.

–Fordham Law School

20-something receptionist: Urp! I think I just coughed up a fetus. I better Lysol the phone.

–5th Ave

Overheard by: BrooklynBorn

Clean Up in Aisle Emily!

Girl #1: Yeah!. I get 80 mother fucking % off!
Girl #2: Doesn’t that just make you wet?
Girl #1: No. I’m pretty sure it makes me gush.

–27 & 7

Overheard by: sf

Headline by: kerm

· “And I Know When Someone Rips Me Off Because I Get A Yeast Infection” – Dan

· “And That Is What We Call a Jew-gasm!” – Andi
· “Coupon Booklets Are Essentially Free Porn” – Matt
· “Cuidado – Piso Jugoso” – Grantankerous
· “Sam Walton Can Still Get the Girls.” – wal-mart women calendar girl
· “Sounds Like You Got 100% Off, To Me” – T Bag

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Translation: “Die, Shrew. Die! Die!

Wifey: Did you just see what happened?
Husband: Yes.
Wifey: That’s why you need to let people off the train first before you try to get on.
Husband: Okay.
Wifey: Next time, just follow me okay?
Husband, disgruntled: Okay.
[Wifey starts reading a book and hubby starts reading his morning newspaper.]
Wifey, glancing at husband
: You really need to clean your ears out -you have a big piece of wax in your ear!

Husband: Thanks for letting me know.
Wifey: No problem.

–N Train

These Wednesday One-Liners Won’t Stain

Woman on cell: He wouldn’t know where the hell my G-spot was if it hit him in the face with female ejaculation.

–Central Park

Overheard by: albus severus

Garage attendant: Sex is better when you’re all sweaty. If she can’t grab your ass, she’ll slide right off!

–Parking garage, Edgecombe Ave

Overheard by: Lalaith

Frat boy: … So I look down and I see vagina juices all down the side of my pants.

–NYU dining hall

Old Russian lady blows nose into her palm and flings it behind her, almost hitting black woman.

Black woman: Lady, you got to watch what you’re doing! You can’t be doin’ that shit! You almost hit me with your snot!

–Queens Blvd, Rego Park

Dentist: Wow, your saliva just spurted like a whale!

–10th & 3rd

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Woman in dressing room: There’s a booger on the wall in here. I wonder what the proper etiquette is for this.

–MEXX, 5th Ave

Overheard by: Sarah