Guy #1: You’ve been snackin’ recently.
Guy #2: What do you mean?
Guy #1: Spitting in my sandwiches –and I still eat them, but there’s no trust!
–4 Train
Overheard by: Been Jamin’
Archive for the ‘Excretions’ Category
In Russia, That’s Like a French Kiss
Man #1: I was cashing my check in Brighton Beach and this Russian dude almost hit my little brother. So I went and tapped on his window and you know the first thing I did?
Man #2: What’s that?
Man #1: I spit in his mouth. He opened up his mouth and got a mouthful of my spit. Then I started walking away and he got out of his car and was like 6ft 9, all basketball style.
–Nathan’s at Coney Island
Overheard by: Brad Benson
He Wasn’t, Incidentally
Hot girl #1: It’s the guy on the end of the train.
Hot girl #2: Wow. It’s amazing the human body can smell like that and still be alive.
–Coney Island-bound F train
It’s Rain with DNA
Woman #1: Is it just me, or is it starting to rain?
Woman #2: No, someone probably spat on you.
–W 35th St
These Wednesday One-Liners Won’t Stain
Woman on cell: He wouldn’t know where the hell my G-spot was if it hit him in the face with female ejaculation.
–Central Park
Overheard by: albus severus
Garage attendant: Sex is better when you’re all sweaty. If she can’t grab your ass, she’ll slide right off!
–Parking garage, Edgecombe Ave
Overheard by: Lalaith
Frat boy: … So I look down and I see vagina juices all down the side of my pants.
–NYU dining hall
Old Russian lady blows nose into her palm and flings it behind her, almost hitting black woman.
Black woman: Lady, you got to watch what you’re doing! You can’t be doin’ that shit! You almost hit me with your snot!
–Queens Blvd, Rego Park
Dentist: Wow, your saliva just spurted like a whale!
–10th & 3rd
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Woman in dressing room: There’s a booger on the wall in here. I wonder what the proper etiquette is for this.
–MEXX, 5th Ave
Overheard by: Sarah
I Swear — This Has Never Happened to Me Before
Queer: I’m sorry. Did I juice on you?
Tall girl: No, I think I juiced on myself.
–Chinatown
Unfortunately, the Taste Test Was Inevitable
20-ish guy: You mean, you don’t look before sitting on a subway?! I mean, come on!
20-ish girl #1: It looks like puke.
20-ish girl #2: But it smells like bubble gum — it can’t be puke.
20-ish girl #3: I thought it was cum!
–V train
But, Um… Do Some Women Have Testicles?
Suit #1: Anal leakage… I’m sorry, man.
Suit #2: Yup. No joke, though. That’s the first and last time I’ll be doing that.
Suit #1: Was she hot?
Suit #2: Couldn’t tell. I had my eyes closed the whole time.
–6 train
Should I Not Add That It’s for My Husband’s Infantalism Fetish?
Woman: Oh, I gotta defrost my breast milk!
Lady friend: There’s something everyone doesn’t want to overhear…
–80th & West End
Overheard by: Nikki… so did not want to overhear that
Wednesday One-Liners Work Just Like Ipecac
Man to friend: I wonder if that dingleberry fell out of my ass yet.
–Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: #2
Drunk guy: Yeah, I’d pick corn out of your shit to have sex with you.
–5th & Ave B
Fourth grade boy #1: I love to be eatin’ the dead skin off the bottom of my feet. It be tastin’ mad salty! [Friend smiles and nods in agreement.]
–Classroom, 106th & 1st
Little kid, screaming: Pick my nose! Pick my nose! Pick my nose! Pick my nose!
–JFK
Overheard by: Ladle