Archive for the ‘Excretions’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Work Just Like Ipecac

Man to friend: I wonder if that dingleberry fell out of my ass yet.

–Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: #2

Drunk guy: Yeah, I’d pick corn out of your shit to have sex with you.

–5th & Ave B

Fourth grade boy #1: I love to be eatin’ the dead skin off the bottom of my feet. It be tastin’ mad salty! [Friend smiles and nods in agreement.]

–Classroom, 106th & 1st

Little kid, screaming: Pick my nose! Pick my nose! Pick my nose! Pick my nose!

–JFK

Overheard by: Ladle

Wednesday One-Liners for Purity of Essence

Employee: Point is, I won’t waste anymore saliva on him!

–Jamba Juice, Whole Foods, Columbus Circle

Overheard by: stunned juice drinker

Guy on cell: Yeah, man! It got all sticky icky in her gooey Louie.

–In line for food, Bing

Overheard by: caitlin

Loud B&T chick on crowded sidewalk: You damn better tell me if there’s a booger hanging from my nose!

–23rd & Broadway

Overheard by: mk

Dude: I like my anal leakage as much as the next guy.

–B&H Restaurant, 2nd Ave

Overheard by: E.F.S.

Man: I didn’t mean to spit on Santa Claus — it just sort of happened.

–Near Crew Cuts

Overheard by: Dan

Girl: He’s really sweaty to sleep with, I’ll tell you that. Him and Frank both.

–110th & Broadway

Overheard by: Al E. Ro

Chick: Well, we were talking about projectile lactating…

–Washington Square

Wednesday One-Liners Veg Out

Burly construction worker: Nah, I’m telling you, man. You got it all wrong. Apple turnover is one of those little cake things.

–39th St, between 8th & 9th

Checkout lady holding up customer’s pear on counter: What the hell is this?!

–Key Food, East Village

Overheard by: J

Guy: … I didn’t know why she was chewing on a pickle with an inflated glove over one eye.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: McFreaky

Coworker: I’m just saying, broccoli is the least respected vegetable in the vegetable kingdom. You can’t argue that.

–Madison Ave

Overheard by: Georgia Peach

Conductor after train pulls into station: Mrew! Mrew! Apples and bah-nay-nays!

–7 train

Drunk lady on cell: So, I’ve been pinned against the wall all night by a woman telling me about her bowel movements… And to top it all off, I found avocadoes on sale today for 99 cents!

–St. Mark’s & 5th, Park Slope