Overheard In New York

Archive for the ‘Excretions’ Category

I Hope No Men Find Out How Foul Women Can Be

Female yuppie #1: … And it was smeared all over the walls of the stall!
Female yuppie #2: Oh my god, that is so disgusting.
Female yuppie #1: Yeah, I can’t believe someone would do that at work.
Female yuppie #2: I can’t believe someone would do that ever!

–South-bound G train

Overheard by: Kevin

Like Trying to Stop the Tide, Mom

Eight-year-old black boy: Skeet, skeet, skeet all over the wall. Skeet, skeet, skeet all over the wall.
Mom: I told you to stop that!
Eight-year-old black boy, three minutes later: Skeet, skeet, skeet all over the wall. Skeet, skeet, skeet all over the wall.

–Restroom, Penn Station

Overheard by: Amanda

Please Cab Your Dog

Young woman: Thank you so much for picking me up with my dog! No one would stop for me.
Cabbie: People who love animals love humans. If you can’t clean up the shit of a dog, how are you going to clean up the shit of humanity?
Young woman: Wow, that’s deep. I totally agree.

–18th & 3rd

Bob Dole Has Fallen on Not-So-Hard Times

Pharmacist: Hi, sir, can I help you?
Old man: I need to refill my pills.
Pharmacist: Which pills, sir?
Old man: You know, my pills.
Pharmacist: Sir, you are on eight different medications. Can you maybe describe the color or shape of the one you want? Or maybe what it does?
Old man: I just want my pills, dammit!
Pharmacist: Sir, I can’t refill them if you don’t tell me what they are.
Old man: My pills! The blue ones! You know, the man-agra!

–CVS/pharmacy

Overheard by: Amused customer in line

Wednesday One-Liners for Purity of Essence

Employee: Point is, I won’t waste anymore saliva on him!

–Jamba Juice, Whole Foods, Columbus Circle

Overheard by: stunned juice drinker

Guy on cell: Yeah, man! It got all sticky icky in her gooey Louie.

–In line for food, Bing

Overheard by: caitlin

Loud B&T chick on crowded sidewalk: You damn better tell me if there’s a booger hanging from my nose!

–23rd & Broadway

Overheard by: mk

Dude: I like my anal leakage as much as the next guy.

–B&H Restaurant, 2nd Ave

Overheard by: E.F.S.

Man: I didn’t mean to spit on Santa Claus — it just sort of happened.

–Near Crew Cuts

Overheard by: Dan

Girl: He’s really sweaty to sleep with, I’ll tell you that. Him and Frank both.

–110th & Broadway

Overheard by: Al E. Ro

Chick: Well, we were talking about projectile lactating…

–Washington Square

Touchy-Ass Cannibals

Chick #1 reading can: ‘Pineapple chunks in its own juices.’ Ewww.
Chick #2: Hey, at least it doesn’t say ‘Pineapple chunks in his own juices.’
Chick #1: Why would it say that?!

–D’Agostinos, 78th & York

Wednesday One-Liners Veg Out

Burly construction worker: Nah, I’m telling you, man. You got it all wrong. Apple turnover is one of those little cake things.

–39th St, between 8th & 9th

Checkout lady holding up customer’s pear on counter: What the hell is this?!

–Key Food, East Village

Overheard by: J

Guy: … I didn’t know why she was chewing on a pickle with an inflated glove over one eye.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: McFreaky

Coworker: I’m just saying, broccoli is the least respected vegetable in the vegetable kingdom. You can’t argue that.

–Madison Ave

Overheard by: Georgia Peach

Conductor after train pulls into station: Mrew! Mrew! Apples and bah-nay-nays!

–7 train

Drunk lady on cell: So, I’ve been pinned against the wall all night by a woman telling me about her bowel movements… And to top it all off, I found avocadoes on sale today for 99 cents!

–St. Mark’s & 5th, Park Slope

Deadeye Dick

Guy #1: Don’t you hate when you are sitting on a toilet and need to spit, so you try to aim your spit in between your legs into the water, but you miss and get it all over your dick?
Guy #2: No, I never miss.

–G train

Testing How Many Iterations It’s “Good” For

Teen boy #1: …Well that one time, remember? I had the worst hangover and I got that frappuccino at Starbucks. That tasted just as good coming up as it did going down. Actually, it was delicious.
Teen boy #2: Ew…I kinda want one. –Central Park